The Amateur Army | Page 5

me intense agony when resuming the march after a
short halt; at night I would suddenly awake from sleep to experience
the sensation of being stabbed by innumerable pins in ankle and toes.
Marching in future, I felt, would be a monstrous futility, and I decided
that my case was one for the medical officer.
Sick parade is not restricted by any dress order; the sore-footed may
wear slippers; the sore-headed, Balaclava helmets; puttees can be
discarded; mufflers and comforters may be used. "The sick rabble" is
the name given by the men to the crowd that waits outside the door of
the M.O.'s room at eight in the morning. And every morning brings its
quota of ailing soldiers; some seriously ill, some slightly, and a few (as
may be expected out of a thousand men of all sorts and conditions) who
have imaginary or feigned diseases that will so often save "slackers"
from a hard day's marching. The aim and ambition of these latter seem
to be to do as little hard work as possible; some of them attend sick
parade on an average once a week, and generally obtain exemption
from a day's work. To obtain this they resort to several ruses;
headaches and rheumatic pains are difficult to detect, and the doctor
must depend on the private's word; a quick pulse and heightened
temperature is engendered by a brisk run, and this is often a means
towards a favourable medical verdict--that is, when "favourable" means
a suspension of duties.
At a quarter to eight I stood with ten others in front of the M.O.'s door,
on which a white card with the blue-lettered "No Smoking" stood out in
bold relief. The morning was bitterly cold, and a sharp, penetrating
wind splashed with rain swept round our ears, and chilled our hands
and faces. One of the waiting queue had a sharp cough and spat blood;
all this was due, he told us, to a day's divisional field exercise, when he
had to lie for hours on the wet ground firing "blanks" at a "dummy"
enemy. Another sick soldier, a youth of nineteen, straight as a lance and

lithe as a poplar, suffered from ulcer in the throat. "I had the same thing
before," he remarked in a thin, hoarse voice, "but I got over it somehow.
This time it'll maybe the hospital. I don't know."
An orderly corporal filled in admission forms and handed them to us;
each form containing the sick man's regimental number, name, religion,
age, and length of military service, in addition to several other minor
details having no reference at all to the matter in hand. These forms
were again handed over to another orderly corporal, who stood
smoking a cigarette under the blue-lettered notice pinned to the door.
The boy with the sore throat was sitting in a chair in the room when I
entered, the doctor bending over him. "Would you like a holiday?" the
M.O. asked in a kindly voice.
"Where to, sir?"
"A couple of days in hospital would leave you all right, my man," the
M.O. continued, "and it would be a splendid rest."
"I don't want a rest," answered the youth. "Maybe I'll be better in the
morning, sir."
The doctor thought for a moment, then:
"All right, report to-morrow again," he said. "You're a brave boy. Some,
who are not the least ill, whine till one is sick--what's the matter with
you?"
"Sore foot, sir," I said, seeing the M.O.'s eyes fixed on me.
"Off with your boot, then."
I took off my boot, placed my foot on a chair, and had it inspected.
"What's wrong with it?"
"I don't know, sir. It pains me when marching, and sometimes--"

"Have you ever heard that Napoleon said an army marches on its
stomach?"
"Yes, sir, when the feet of the army is all right," I answered.
"Quite true," he replied. "No doubt you've sprained one of yours; just
wash it well in warm water, rub it well, and have a day or two resting.
That will leave you all right. Your boots are good?"
"Yes, sir."
"They don't pinch or--what's wrong with you?" He was speaking to the
next man.
"I don't know, sir."
"Don't know? You don't know why you're here. What brought you
here?"
"Rheumatic pains, I think, sir," was the answer. "Last night I 'ad an
orful night. Couldn't sleep. I think it was the wet as done it. Lyin' out
on the grass last field day--"
"How many times have you been here before?"
"Well, sir, the last time was when--"
"How many times?"
"I don't know, sir."
"Was it rheumatic pains last time?"
"No sir, it was jaw-ache--toothache, I mean."
"I'll put you on light duties for the day," said the M.O. And the