The Albany Depot | Page 7

off with their susceptibilities
in perfect repair, simply because I substituted a for for an _if,_ and
made you inquire for a cook instead of if she was a cook. Perhaps you
did ask for instead of ask if?"
Roberts: "No, no. I asked her if she was a cook."
Campbell: "Well, I'm glad the McIlhenys had too much sense to
believe that. They're happy, anyway. They're enjoying the hobble that
you and Agnes are in, with lofty compassion. They--hello! here's that
fellow coming back again!"
Roberts: "Who? Which? Where?" He starts nervously about, and

confronts Mr. McIlheny bearing down upon him with a countenance of
provisional severity.
McIlheny: "Just wan word more wid you, sor. Mrs. McIlheny has been
thinkun' it oover, and she says you didn't ask her if she was after seeun
a cuke, but whether she was after _beun'_ a cuke? Now, sor, which
wahs ut? Out wfd ut! Don't be thinkun' ye can throw dust in our eyes
because we're Irishmen!" A threatening tone prevails in Mr. McIlheny's
address at the mounting confusion and hesitation in Roberts. "Come!
are ye deef, mahn?"
Roberts, in spite of Campbell's dumb-show inciting him to fiction:
"I--I--if you will kindly step apart here, I can explain. I was very
confused when I spoke to Mrs. McIlheny."
McIlheny, following him and Willis into the corner: "Fwhat made ye
take my wife for a cuke? Did she luke anny more like a cuke than yer
own wife? Her family is the best in County Mayo. Her father kept six
cows, and she never put her hands in wather. And ye come up to her in
a public place like this, where ye're afraid to spake aboove yer own
breath, and ask her if she's after beun' the cuke yer wife's engaged.
Fwhat do ye mane by ut?"
Roberts: "My dear sir, I know--I can understand how it seems offensive;
but I can assure you that I had no intention--no--no--" he falters, with
an imploring glance at Campbell, who takes the word.
Campbell: "Look here, Mr. McIlheny, you can appreciate the feelings
of a gentleman situated as my friend was here. He had to meet a lady
whom he had never seen before, and didn't know by sight; and we
decided--Mrs. McIlheny was so pleasant and kindly looking--that he
should go and ask her if she had seen a lady of the description he was
looking for, and--"
McIlheny: "Yessor! I can appreciate ahl _that._ But fwhy did he ask
her if she was the lady? Fwhy did he ask her if she was a cuke? That's
what I wannt to know!"

Campbell: "Well, now, I'm sure you can understand that. He was
naturally a good deal embarrassed at having to address a strange lady;
his mind was full of his wife's cook, and instead of asking her if she'd
seen a cook, he bungled and he blundered, and asked her--I suppose--if
she was a cook. Can't you see that? how it would happen?"
McIlheny, with conviction: "Yessor, I can. And I'll feel it an hannor if
you gintlemen will join me in a glass of wine on the carner, across the
way--"
Campbell: "But your train?"
McIlheny: "Oh, domn the thrain! But I'll just stip aboord and tell Mrs.
McIlheny I've met a frind, an' I'll be out by the next thrain, an' I'll be
back wid you in a jiffy." He runs out, and Campbell turns to Roberts.
Roberts: "Good heavens, Willis! what are we going to do? Surely, we
can't go out and drink with this man?"
Campbell: "I'm afraid we sha'n't have the pleasure. I'm afraid Mrs.
McIlheny is of a suspicious nature; and when Mr. Mac comes back, it'll
be to offer renewed hostility instead of renewed hospitality. I don't see
anything for us but flight, Roberts. Or, you can't fly, you poor old
fellow! You've got to stay and look out for that cook. I'd be glad to stay
for you, but, you see, I should not know her."
Roberts: "I don't know her either, Willis. I was just thinking whether
you couldn't manage this wretched man rather better alone. I--I'm afraid
I confuse you; and he gets things out of me--admissions, you know--"
Campbell: "No, no! Your moral support is everything. That lie of mine
is getting whittled away to nothing; we shall soon be down to the bare
truth. If it hadn't been for these last admissions of yours, I don't know
what I should have done. They were a perfect inspiration. I'll tell you
what, Roberts! I believe you can manage this business twice as well
without me. But you must keep your eye out for the cook! You mustn't
let any respectable butter-ball leave the room without asking her if she's
the one. You'll