The Albany Depot | Page 7

after _beun'_ a cuke? Now, sor, which wahs ut? Out wfd ut! Don't be thinkun' ye can throw dust in our eyes because we're Irishmen!" A threatening tone prevails in Mr. McIlheny's address at the mounting confusion and hesitation in Roberts. "Come! are ye deef, mahn?"
Roberts, in spite of Campbell's dumb-show inciting him to fiction: "I--I--if you will kindly step apart here, I can explain. I was very confused when I spoke to Mrs. McIlheny."
McIlheny, following him and Willis into the corner: "Fwhat made ye take my wife for a cuke? Did she luke anny more like a cuke than yer own wife? Her family is the best in County Mayo. Her father kept six cows, and she never put her hands in wather. And ye come up to her in a public place like this, where ye're afraid to spake aboove yer own breath, and ask her if she's after beun' the cuke yer wife's engaged. Fwhat do ye mane by ut?"
Roberts: "My dear sir, I know--I can understand how it seems offensive; but I can assure you that I had no intention--no--no--" he falters, with an imploring glance at Campbell, who takes the word.
Campbell: "Look here, Mr. McIlheny, you can appreciate the feelings of a gentleman situated as my friend was here. He had to meet a lady whom he had never seen before, and didn't know by sight; and we decided--Mrs. McIlheny was so pleasant and kindly looking--that he should go and ask her if she had seen a lady of the description he was looking for, and--"
McIlheny: "Yessor! I can appreciate ahl _that._ But fwhy did he ask her if she was the lady? Fwhy did he ask her if she was a cuke? That's what I wannt to know!"
Campbell: "Well, now, I'm sure you can understand that. He was naturally a good deal embarrassed at having to address a strange lady; his mind was full of his wife's cook, and instead of asking her if she'd seen a cook, he bungled and he blundered, and asked her--I suppose--if she was a cook. Can't you see that? how it would happen?"
McIlheny, with conviction: "Yessor, I can. And I'll feel it an hannor if you gintlemen will join me in a glass of wine on the carner, across the way--"
Campbell: "But your train?"
McIlheny: "Oh, domn the thrain! But I'll just stip aboord and tell Mrs. McIlheny I've met a frind, an' I'll be out by the next thrain, an' I'll be back wid you in a jiffy." He runs out, and Campbell turns to Roberts.
Roberts: "Good heavens, Willis! what are we going to do? Surely, we can't go out and drink with this man?"
Campbell: "I'm afraid we sha'n't have the pleasure. I'm afraid Mrs. McIlheny is of a suspicious nature; and when Mr. Mac comes back, it'll be to offer renewed hostility instead of renewed hospitality. I don't see anything for us but flight, Roberts. Or, you can't fly, you poor old fellow! You've got to stay and look out for that cook. I'd be glad to stay for you, but, you see, I should not know her."
Roberts: "I don't know her either, Willis. I was just thinking whether you couldn't manage this wretched man rather better alone. I--I'm afraid I confuse you; and he gets things out of me--admissions, you know--"
Campbell: "No, no! Your moral support is everything. That lie of mine is getting whittled away to nothing; we shall soon be down to the bare truth. If it hadn't been for these last admissions of yours, I don't know what I should have done. They were a perfect inspiration. I'll tell you what, Roberts! I believe you can manage this business twice as well without me. But you must keep your eye out for the cook! You mustn't let any respectable butter-ball leave the room without asking her if she's the one. You'll know how to put it more delicately now. And I won't complicate you with McIlheny any more. I'll just step out here--"
Roberts: "No, no, no! You mustn't go, Willis. You mustn't indeed! I shouldn't know what to do with that tipsy nuisance. Ah, here he comes again!"
Campbell, cheerily, to the approaching McIlheny: "I hope you didn't lose your train, Mr. McIlheny!"
McIlheny, darkly: "Never moind my thrain, sor! My wife says it was a put-up jahb between ye. She says ye were afther laughun', and lukun' and winkun' at her before this mahn slipped up to spake to her. Now what do ye make of that?"
Campbell: "We were laughing, of course. I had been laughing at my friend's predicament, in being left to meet a lady he'd never seen before. You laughed at it yourself."
McIlheny: "I did, sor."
Roberts, basely truckling to him: "It was certainly a ludicrous position."
Campbell: "And when we explained it,