The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth | Page 4

me had large experience of matters in general, for he gave me
a slanting wink and a cunning nudge, which I rendered into an
insinuation to stand treat. I affected not to understand him, and edging
aside a pace, made a bold effort to gain the long and very expensive
mahogany counter that stretched half across the office, and behind
which glowed out the figure of a fat citizen, whom I stared right in the
face. You cannot get cleverly through this world without brass; if in
your face you have enough to establish a foundery, so much the better.

It is indispensable in political matters; and, whether right or wrong, the
reader can best judge. I have thought the smaller the politician, the
larger were his dealings in the article. No one could be more cautious
how they scandalized their neighbours than I am; this, Uncle Sam, you
well know; but I question the policy of being delicate during the reign
of Pierce, whose cabinet recalls to my mind the story of the clacking
hen, that forever kept up a noise without laying one egg. To make your
way in Washington, you must storm and put to route a whole platform
of valiant gentlemen, who have become political images in brass. As
they love you, Uncle Sam, so also would they live upon you, die upon
you, be buried at your expense, and their friends be very angry were
you not a mourner at the funeral. This I, Smooth, declare an honest fact,
notwithstanding the high respect I entertain for all those patriotic
gentlemen who would take such care of my Uncle's affairs.
"Now, this very phlegmatic and good natured citizen, who stood:
behind the mahogany, had a face as broad and placid as a town-clock
seen by moonlight. His figure, too, was tightly driven into a suit of
extravagant cloth, and altogether presented the appearance of having
quite recently escaped from the hands of James, his tailor. It was not in
the power of man to analyze his character from what he said, for what
he said meant nothing, when judged by the world's wisdom; but you
saw that James had succeeded in making him in love with himself.
Should he chance to read this imperfect sketch, he will excuse me when
I say he seemed a person brought up to himself, and entertaining the
hope that at no distant day he would become a very important
character--perhaps outshine General Pierce himself. He looked at me,
and I looked at him; then he grinned at me, and I grinned at him. At last
I said, I reckoned we might draw the game. I then added, that from the
look of the establishment I could not be wrong in assuming that they
did a large business in the way of feeding hungry politicians and
honester people. 'You may stake some on that, old feller,' says he, with
a suspicious leer. His nasal was somewhat strong, so I put him down as
from Vermont State, perhaps from the more mountainous part of it. As
if shy of my patronage he upon the counter, pompous, spread his hands,
as if the mahogany was all his. This seeming indifference rather
touched my dignity, which was of tender quality, so I cast upon him a

look he could not misinterpret, inquiring if he could tie a body up for
the night in a spare corner. 'You may bet on that! got a spare pin we can
hook ye on somehow, I reckon;' he ejaculates, sprawling his elbows,
and making a support of his fleshy hands, from between which his face
peered like a soft pumpkin sorely squeezed. In this position he stared,
and stared, until his countenance assumed an anxiety, equalled only by
that of a stump lecturer about inaugration time--say one, who had
hoped for the mission to the court of St. James, but as a matter of
patriotism would not decline the Dublin Consulship. At length he
condescended to say, with an air of languishing endurance, that 'he
could do me up brown, in the way of comfortable quarters.' I thanked
him for his great kindness, said I wanted to exercise a judicious
economy, and could not do the extensive, like those persons sprawling
in easy arm chairs at the left hand corner, to whom I pointed, and who,
like Mr. President Pierce's representatives abroad, were making a great
noise to no purpose. After looking quizically at the tie-up under my
arm, then at my tall white hat, and again at the coarse weave of my
homespun, he inquired if that (pointing to the bundle) constituted my
baggage. Instantly I told him it was none of his business; that there was
no occasion for his feeling so large, though Mr. Pierce was President.