The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth | Page 2

not uncommon
with him) "all over" native brown homespun, does his configuration
materially change, there yet remaining, and boldly refusing to be
disguised, that face so full of penetration, and those features so sharp.
The waggishly inclined have identified them with the wizardry of
dividing storm currents. Nevertheless, of this lean conformation, which
is better within than the world without is in general willing to admit, is
Smooth particularly proud. In manner, Smooth is piquant; and being an

acknowledged member of the fast school--that is, a disciple of manifest
destiny in particular and Model Republics in general--he accepts the
mission so kindly proffered him by his unfortunate friend, Mr. General
Pierce, and has no objection to giving the world and kingcraft (the
latter rudderless, and drifting on those quicksands of common sense
which it were well for nations had they proved destructive centuries
ago) a few lessons in the go-ahead principle. What Smooth means to
convey by the go-ahead principle, is simply that when common sense
triumphs universal in a nation, sycophantism dies, and with it that pest
of peoples, kingcraft! So, with the most amiable intentions, does
Solomon set out for Washington, to have a first talk with General
Pierce: this talk he hopes will be a prelude to putting straight the
nationalities now drifting on the rock of intrigue, without that
safety-valve which a people fully conscious of enjoying their rights can
give. And while thus employed, Smooth does not forget that it is a well
laid down rule that many small Presidents may talk very large and yet
cut very ridiculous figures: hence his first talk with Mr. Pierce, who is
well known for general and very respectable characteristics, may be
productive of great good to mankind in a mass. In New England
educated, (that land where niggers may be white men, and white men
too often turn niggers), loving universal rights, peace to consolidate a
nation's good, and keep down that martial spirit which is its cankering
curse--being tenacious of freedom in its broadest acceptation, and
commercial prosperity with a general diffusion of its results, it is Mr.
Smooth's candid opinion that ere another century rolls into the page of
time America will whip, feed, civilize, and republicanize the great
American continent. Could this be done at an earlier period, so much
the better for mankind in general. Smooth was borne out in this opinion
from the fact that Europe had got into a great fuzzle, the result of which
was an equally great fight. Kingdoms and empires had become
disordered, their craft was stranded; potentates were turning their
people into minions of slaughter. Nicholas (modest god of all the
Russias) thought his murdering a few thousands an act most pious: it
was all for the sake of Christianity and a very small holy _rite!_ On the
other hand, there was Mister John Bull, so dogged at times, and yet so
hard to hold once his propensity for fighting somebody was excited,
hurling very unchristian lead and steel into. Nicholas's subtle-headed

serfs. But the thing most wondrous was, that Uncle John, now foaming
with the fever of war, had got Johnny Crappo at his back instead of his
belly--a fact that would be recorded on the strangest page of history.
Strange fighting companions were they; but as pig and dog do now and
then become bed-fellows, who can give too much expression to his
surprise at this strange Anglo-French combination? Let the world say
what it will with reference to our worthy friend Uncle John fighting the
battle of Mohamedanism--let it lay at his door the grave charge of
degrading himself by seeking to make firm the rotten props of one of
the most debased governments that has stained the history of the world
with its crimes, John will humanely acknowledge the charge while
forwarding to Turkey a copious edition of his "Society for Promoting
Christian Knowledge."
We hope with Mr. Smooth, that Master Bull and Cousin Jonathan may
war only in words. Both are sensible gentlemen; both are keenly alive
to that inspiration called fighting for one's rights; both are for ever
finding a small bone to snarl over; but peace is found the greater bone,
which, by preserving, affords the best picking. Indeed, we must all
admit, that if polite diplomatists and small politicians had their way,
their naughty recriminations would give us plenty of war, with only
bows and smiles to pay for the blood and treasure wasted. But Mr. Bull
is considerate with his power; while Jonathan shrewdly calculates how
much being embroiled in war will disturb his tin business. May our
discretion continue to form the best defence against war between the
most enlightened governments of christendom.
At home our negro question bids very fair to get political parties into an
interminable snarl;