Swingin Round the Cirkle. | Page 2

enough, even ef the wife uv my buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit, and refooze to give me sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence, preferrin to squander it upon bread and clothes for the children,--twict, I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict I wuz forced to desert to the Dimocrisy uv the south, rather than fite agin em. When finally the thumb uv my left hand wuz acksidentally shot off, owin to my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv my gun, wich thumb wuz also accidentally across the muzzle thereof, and I wuz no longer liable to military dooty and cood bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only steered clear uv Scylla to go bumpin onto Charybdis. I coodent let Dimocrisy alone, and the eggins--the ridin upon rails--the takin uv the oath--but why shood I harrow up the public buzzum? I stood it all till one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled to kneel onto my bare knees in the cold snow, the extremity uv my under garment, wich modesty forbids me to menshun the name uv it, fluttrin in a Janooary wind, and by a crowd uv laffin soljers compelled to take the oath and drink a pint uv raw, undilooted water! That feather broke the back uv the camel. The oath give me inflamashen uv the brane and the water inflamashen uv the stumick, and for six long weeks I lay, a wreck uv my former self. Ez I arose from that bed and saw in a glass the remains uv my pensive beauty, I vowed to wage a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich havoc, and I hev kept my oath.
I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively than any man sence the time uv Paul. First I established a church uv Democrats in a little oasis I diskivered in the ablishn state uv Ohio, to wit, at Wingert's Corners, where ther wuz four groceries, but nary church or skool-house within four miles, and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimocratic, the grocery keepers hevin mortgages on all the land around em--but alars! I wuz forced to leeve it after the election of Linkin in 1864. Noo Gersey bein the only state North wich wuz onsquelched, to her I fled, and at Saint's Rest (wich is in Noo Gersey) I erected another tabernacle. There I stayed, and et and drank and wuz merry, but Ablishnism pursood me thither, and in the fall uv '65 that state got ornery and cussid, and went Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz forced to pull up, and wend my weary way to Kentucky, where, at Confedrit �� Roads, I feel that I am safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us here. The aristocracy bleeve in freedom uv speech, but they desire to exercise a supervision over it, that they may not be led astray. They bleeve they'r rite, and for fear they'd be forced to change their minds, whenever they git into argument with anybody, ef the individooal gits the better uv them, they to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence Massychoosits can't disturb us here; the populashen is unanimously Democratic, and bids fair to continyoo so.
Here I hope to spend the few remainin years uv a eventful life. Here in the enjoyment uv that end uv the hopes uv all Democrats, a Post Offis, with four well-regulated groceries within a stun's throw, and a distillery ornamentin the landscape only a quarter uv a mile from where I rite these lines, with the ruins uv a burnt nigger school house within site uv my winder, from wich rises the odor, grateful to a Democratic nostril, and wich he kin snuff afar off, and say ha! ha! to, uv a half dozen niggers wich wuz consumed when it wuz burned, wat more kin I want? I feel that I am more than repaid for all my suffrins, and that I shel sale smoothly down the stream uv time, unvexed and happy.
It is proper to state that the papers uv which this volume is composed wuz written at various times and under various circumstances. They reflect the mind uv the author doorin a most eventful year in his history, and mark the condition uv the Dimocrisy from week to week. Consekently they shift from grave to gay, from lively to severe, with much alacrity, the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto the top wave uv success, and at other times bein down in the trough uv despondency and despair.
I mite say more, but wherefore? Ez the record uv a year uv hopes and fears, uv exaltation and depression, it may possess interest or may not--'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whatever may be its fate, one thing I am