Stories of Comedy | Page 9

know your course, it appears?"
"O, faix I knew it iligant, as long as your honor was before me."
"But you don't know your course back?"
"Why, indeed, not to say rightly all out, your honor."
"Can't you steer?" said the captain.
"The divil a betther hand at the tiller in all Kinsale," said Barny, with
his usual brag.
"Well, so far so good," said the captain. "And you know the points of
the compass,--you have a compass, I suppose?"
"A compass! by my sowl an' it's not let alone a compass, but a pair a
compasses I have, that my brother the carpinthir left me for a keepsake
whin he wint abroad; but, indeed, as for the points o' thim I can't say
much, for the childer spylt thim intirely, rootin' holes in the flure."
"What the plague are you talking about?" asked the captain.
"Wasn't your honor discoorsin' me about the points o' the compasses?"
"Confound your thick head!" said the captain. "Why, what an
ignoramus you must be, not to know what a compass is, and you at sea
all your life? Do you even know the cardinal points?"
"The cardinals! faix, an' it's a great respect I have for them, your honor.
Sure, ar'n't they belongin' to the pope?"
"Confound you, you blockhead!" roared the captain, in a
rage,--"'twould take the patience of the pope and the cardinals, and the

cardinal virtues into the bargain, to keep one's temper with you. Do you
know the four points of the wind?"
"By my sowl, I do, and more."
"Well, never mind more, but let us stick to four. You're sure you know
the four points of the wind?"
"By dad, it would be a quare thing if a seyfarin' man didn't know
somethin' about the wind anyhow. Why, Captain dear, you must take
me for a nathral intirely, to suspect me o' the like o' not knowin' all
about the wind. By gor, I know as much o' the wind a'most as a pig."
"Indeed, I believe so," laughed out the captain.
"O, you may laugh if you plaze, and I see by the same that you don't
know about the pig, with all your edication, Captain."
"Well, what about the pig?"
"Why, sir, did you never hear a pig can see the wind?"
"I can't say that I did."
"O, thin he does, and for that rayson who has a right to know more
about it?"
"You don't, for one, I dare say, Paddy; and maybe you have a pig
aboard to give you information."
"Sorra taste, your honor, not as much as a rasher o' bacon; but it's
maybe your honor never seen a pig tossing up his snout, consaited like,
and running like mad afore a storm."
"Well, what if I have?"
"Well, sir, that is when they see the wind a-comin'."
"Maybe so, Paddy, but all this knowledge in piggery won't find you

your way home; and, if you take my advice, you will give up all
thoughts of endeavoring to find your way back, and come on board.
You and your messmates, I dare say, will be useful hands, with some
teaching; but, at all events, I cannot leave you here on the open sea,
with every chance of being lost."
"Why, thin, indeed, and I'm behowlden to your honor; and it's the
hoighth o' kindness, so it is, you offer; and it's nothin' else but a
gintleman you are, every inch o' you; but I hope it's not so bad wid us
yet, as to do the likes o' that."
"I think it's bad enough," said the captain, "when you are without a
compass and knowing nothing of your course, and nearly a hundred
and eighty leagues from land."
"An' how many miles would that be, Captain?"
"Three times as many."
"I never larned the rule o' three, Captain, and maybe your honor id tell
me yourself."
"That is rather more than five hundred miles."
"Five hundred miles!" shouted Barny. "O, the Lord look down upon us!
how'll we ever get back?"
"That's what I say," said the captain; "and therefore, I recommend you
to come aboard with me."
"And where 'ud the hooker be all the time?" said Barny.
"Let her go adrift," was the answer.
"Is it the darlint boat? O, by dad, I'll never hear o' that at all."
"Well, then, stay in her and be lost. Decide upon the matter at once,
either come on board or cast off." And the captain was turning away as
he spoke, when Barny called after him, "Arrah, thin, your honor, don't

go jist for one minit antil I ax you one word more. If I wint wid you,
whin would I be home again?"
"In about seven months."
"O, thin, that puts the