Stories of Comedy | Page 5

too I'll be in
her; an' indeed it's partly that same is bringin' me here to yourself."
"Why, do you want me to go along wid you, Barny?"
"Troth an' I don't, Mr. Kelly. You're a knowledgeable man an land, but
I'm afeared it's a bad bargain you'd be at say."
"And what wor you talking about me and your boat for?"
"Why, you see, sir, it was in the regard of a little bit o' business, an' if
you'd come wid me and take a turn in the praty-field, I'll be behouldin'
to you, and maybe you'll hear somethin' that won't be displazin' to you."
"An' welkim, Barny," said Peter Kelly.

When Barny and Peter were in the "praty-field," Barny opened the
trenches (I don't mean the potato trenches), but, in military parlance, he
opened the trenches and laid siege to Peter Kelly, setting forth the
extensive profits that had been realized at various "specs" that had been
made by his neighbors in exporting potatoes. "And sure," said Barny,
"why shouldn't you do the same, and they are ready to your hand? as
much as to say, why don't you profit by me, Peter Kelly? And the boat
is below there in the harbor, and, I'll say this much, the divil a betther
boat is betune this and herself."
"Indeed, I b'lieve so, Barny," said Peter, "for considhering where we
stand, at this present, there's no boat at all at all betune us." And Peter
laughed with infinite pleasure at his own hit.
"O, well, you know what I mane, anyhow, an', as I said before, the boat
is a darlint boat, and as for him that commands her--I b'lieve I need say
nothin' about that." And Barny gave a toss of his head and a sweep of
his open hand, more than doubling the laudatory nature of his comment
on himself.
But, as the Irish saying is, "to make a long story short," Barny prevailed
on Peter Kelly to make an export; but in the nature of the venture they
did not agree. Barny had proposed potatoes; Peter said there were
enough of them already where he was going; and Barny rejoined that,
"praties were so good in themselves there never could be too much o'
thim anywhere." But Peter being a knowledgeable man, and up to all
the "saycrets o' the airth, and understanding the the-o-ry and the
che-mis-thery," overruled Barny's proposition, and determined upon a
cargo of scalpeens (which name they gave to pickled mackerel), as a
preferable merchandise, quite forgetting that Dublin Bay herrings were
a much better and as cheap a commodity, at the command of the
Fingalians. But in many similar mistakes the ingenious Mr. Kelly has
been paralleled by other speculators. But that is neither here nor there,
and it was all one to Barny whether his boat was freighted with
potatoes or scalpeens, so long as he had the honor and glory of
becoming a navigator, and being as good as O'Sullivan.
Accordingly the boat was laden and all got in readiness for putting to

sea, and nothing was now wanting but Barny's orders to haul up the
gaff and shake out the jib of his hooker.
But this order Barny refrained to give, and for the first time in his life
exhibited a disinclination to leave the shore. One of his fellow-boatmen,
at last, said to him, "Why thin, Barny O'Reirdon, what the divil is come
over you, at all at all? What's the maynin' of your loitherin' about here,
and the boat ready and a lovely fine breeze aff o' the land?"
"O, never you mind; I b'lieve I know my own business anyhow, an' it's
hard, so it is, if a man can't ordher his own boat to sail when he plazes."
"O, I was only thinking it quare; and a pity more betoken, as I said
before, to lose the beautiful breeze, and--"
"Well, just keep your thoughts to yourself, i' you plaze, and stay in the
boat as I bid you, and don't be out of her on your apperl, by no manner
o' manes, for one minit, for you see I don't know when it may be plazin'
to me to go aboord an' set sail."
"Well, all I can say is, I never seen you afeared to go to say before."
"Who says I'm afeared?" said O'Reirdon; "you'd betther not say that
agin, or in troth I'll give you a leatherin' that won't be for the good o'
your health,--troth, for three straws this minit I'd lave you that your
own mother wouldn't know you with the lickin' I'd give you; but I scorn
your dirty insinuation; no man ever seen Barny O'Reirdon afeard yet,
anyhow. Howld your prate, I tell you, and look up to