Songs of a Savoyard | Page 6

get - and they're highly delighted.?M.P.s baronetted,?Sham Colonels gazetted,?And second-rate Aldermen knighted.?Foundation-stone laying?I find very paying,?It adds a large sum to my makings.?At charity dinners?The best of speech-spinners,?I get ten per cent on the takings!
[THE DUCHESS.]?I present any lady?Whose conduct is shady?Or smacking of doubtful propriety;?When Virtue would quash her?I take and whitewash her?And launch her in first-rate society.?I recommend acres?Of clumsy dressmakers -?Their fit and their finishing touches;?A sum in addition?They pay for permission?To say that they make for the Duchess!
[THE DUKE.]?Those pressing prevailers,?The ready-made tailors,?Quote me as their great double-barrel;?I allow them to do so,?Though ROBINSON CRUSOE?Would jib at their wearing apparel!?I sit, by selection,?Upon the direction?Of several Companies bubble;?As soon as they're floated?I'm freely bank-noted -?I'm pretty well paid for my trouble!
[THE DUCHESS.]?At middle-class party?I play at ECARTE -?And I'm by no means a beginner;?To one of my station?The remuneration -?Five guineas a night and my dinner.?I write letters blatant?On medicines patent -?And use any other you mustn't;?And vow my complexion?Derives its perfection?From somebody's soap - which it doesn't.
[THE DUKE.]?We're ready as witness?To any one's fitness?To fill any place or preferment;?We're often in waiting?At junket FETING,?And sometimes attend an interment.?In short, if you'd kindle?The spark of a swindle,?Lure simpletons into your clutches,?Or hoodwink a debtor,?You cannot do better?Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess!
Ballad: Eheu Fugaces -!
The air is charged with amatory numbers -?Soft madrigals, and dreamy lovers' lays.?Peace, peace, old heart! Why waken from its slumbers?The aching memory of the old, old days?
Time was when Love and I were well acquainted;?Time was when we walked ever hand in hand;?A saintly youth, with worldly thought untainted,?None better loved than I in all the land!?Time was, when maidens of the noblest station,?Forsaking even military men,?Would gaze upon me, rapt in adoration -?Ah me, I was a fair young curate then!
Had I a headache? sighed the maids assembled;?Had I a cold? welled forth the silent tear;?Did I look pale? then half a parish trembled;?And when I coughed all thought the end was near!?I had no care - no jealous doubts hung o'er me -?For I was loved beyond all other men.?Fled gilded dukes and belted earls before me -?Ah me, I was a pale young curate then!
Ballad: They'll None Of 'Em Be Missed
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,?I've got a little list - I've got a little list?Of social offenders who might well be underground,?And who never would be missed - who never would be missed!?There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs - All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs -?All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat - All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like THAT - And all third persons who on spoiling TETE-E-TETES insist - They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed!
There's the nigger serenader, and the others of his race,?And the piano organist - I've got him on the list!?And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, They never would be missed - they never would be missed!?Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,?All centuries but this, and every country but his own;?And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,?And who "doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try"; And that FIN-DE-SIECLE anomaly, the scorching motorist -?I don't think he'd be missed - I'm SURE he'd not be missed!
And that NISI PRIUS nuisance, who just now is rather rife,?The Judicial humorist - I've got HIM on the list!?All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life -?They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed! And apologetic statesmen of the compromising kind,?Such as - What-d'ye-call-him - Thing'em-Bob, and likewise - Nevermind,
And 'St - 'st - 'st - and What's-his-name, and also - You-know-who -?(The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to YOU!) But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,?For they'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed!
Ballad: Girl Graduates
They intend to send a wire?To the moon;?And they'll set the Thames on fire?Very soon;?Then they learn to make silk purses?With their rigs?From the ears of LADY CIRCE'S?Piggy-wigs.?And weasels at their slumbers?They'll trepan;?To get sunbeams from cuCUMbers?They've a plan.?They've a firmly rooted notion?They can cross the Polar Ocean,?And they'll find Perpetual Motion?If they can!
These are the phenomena?That every pretty domina?Hopes that we shall see?At this Universitee!
As for fashion, they forswear it,?So they say,?And the circle - they will square it?Some fine day;?Then the little pigs they're teaching?For to fly;?And the niggers they'll be bleaching?By-and-by!?Each newly joined aspirant?To the clan?Must repudiate the tyrant?Known as Man;?They mock at him and flout him,?For they do not care about