Skiddoo! | Page 3

with all my clothes on,
including my rubbers.
So I stretched out, but just then the train struck a curve and I went up in
the air till the ceiling hit me, and then I bounced over to the edge of the
precipice and hung there, trembling on the verge.
Below me all was dark and gloomy, and only by the hoarse groans of
the snorers could I tell that the Pullman Company was still making
money.
Luck was with me, however, for just then the train struck an in-shoot
curve which pushed me to the wall, and I bumped my head so
completely that I fell asleep.
When I woke up a small package of daylight was peeping into the car,
so I decided to descend from my cupboard shelf at once.
I peeped out through the aluminum curtains, but there was no sign of
the colored porter and the step-ladder was invisible to the naked eye.
The car was peaceful now with the exception of a gent in lower No. 4,
who had a strangle hold on a Beethoven sonata and was beating the
cadenza out of it.

I made a short prayer and concluded to fall out, but just then one of my
feet rested on something solid, so I put both feet on it and began to step
down.
[Illustration: I made a short prayer and concluded to fall out.]
Alas, however, the moment I put my weight on it my stepping-stone
gave way and I fell overboard with a splash.
"How dare you put your feet on my head?" yelled the man on the
ground floor of my bedroom.
"Excuse me! it felt like something wooden," I whispered, while I
dashed madly for the smoker.
From that day to this I have never been able to look a Pullman car in
the face, and whenever anybody mentions an upper berth to me I lose
my presence of mind and get peevish.
If you have ever been there yourself I know you don't blame me!
Do you?
CHAPTER II
JOHN HENRY ON COOKS
When my wife made the suggestion that we should give a
Thanksgiving dinner to our friends in the neighborhood it almost put
me to the ropes.
You know I'm not much on the social gag, and to have to sit up and
make good-natured faces at a lot of strangers gives me intermittent
pains in the neck.
"Why should we give them a dinner?" I asked my wife. "Aren't most of
them getting good wages, and why should we kill the fatted calf for a
lot of home-made prodigals?"

"John, don't be so selfish!" was my wife's get-back. "There's a long
winter ahead of us, and when we give one dinner to seven people that
means seven people to give us seven dinners. Don't you see how our
little plates of soup will draw compound interest if we invite the right
people?"
My wife is a friend of mine, so I refused to quarrel with her.
"All right, my dear," I said, "but you must give the dinner one week
before Thanksgiving."
"One week before Thanksgiving!" my wife re-echoed, "and why,
pray?"
"Because this will give our guests a chance to recover from your
cooking before the real day of prayer comes around, and by that time
they will begin to think about you with kindness, perhaps."
My wife stung me with her cruel eyes and went out in the kitchen
where the new cook was breaking a lot of our best dishes which did not
appeal to her.
The name of this new cook was Ollie Olsen.
Ollie was half Swede and the rest of her was deaf.
[Illustration: Ollie was half Swede and the rest of her was deaf.]
When Ollie came to the house to get a job my wife asked her for her
recommendations.
Ollie said that her face was her only recommendation, but that she was
out late the night before and broke her recommendation just above the
chin.
Anyway, my wife engaged her, because what good is a hearty appetite
when the kitchen is empty.
Ollie said that she was a first-class cook, but when we dared her to

prove it she forgot my wife was a lady and threw the coal-scuttle at her.
A day or two after Ollie arrived I decided to find out what merit there is
in a vegetarian diet.
"All right," I said to the cook, after the last plate of hash with all its
fond memories had disappeared, "this house is going on a diet for a few
days, and henceforth we are all vegetarians, including the dog. Please
govern yourself accordingly."
Ollie smiled Swedefully and whispered that vegetarianisms was where
she lived.
Ollie said she could cook vegetables so artistically that the palate