Sexual Communication

RCI SV June 2005
1
Sexual Communication
Talking about the hard stuff
Susan Scott Hennings, MFT
Jerry L. Talley, PhD
RCI SV
June 2005
When It's Difficult
�Initiating sex
�Flirting, intent, transitions
�During sex
�Directions, requests, feedback, fantasies
�Turn on’s and turn off’s
�Sexual fantasies, preferences, hygiene, weight
�The relationship as reflected in sex
�Desirability, depth of love, mutual respect, meanings
�Sexual problem solving
�Desire differences, pregnancy, sex after childbirth, aging,
med side effects, illness, dysfunctions, trauma, BC
�Talking to kids, parents, friends
�Talking to physicians or therapists

RCI SV June 2005
2
Some Definitions of Flirting
�making love without
serious intentions
�to play at courtship
�a sudden, jerky, brisk
movement
�to spring or dart
�to play or toy with
something, like the
opposite sex
�flighty, giddy behavior;
frivolity
�a love affair that is not
serious
�casual conversation with a
romantic spark
�pert young hussy
�quick, not smooth or
polished
�naughty or suspect
Our Definition of Flirting
�A special language of touch, body position, innuendo,
voice tone, and eye contact that conveys interest or
preference
�Keeping things on simmer, being playful
�Adds a layer of lightness or fun
�Couples flirt to keep their sensual relationship alive,
even if only in the background
�A way to connect, to draw closer
�A way to signal a desired shift or transition
�From conversational to sensual
�From sensual to sexual

RCI SV June 2005
3
The Etiquette of Flirting
RULE 1: Invite without being demanding
RULE 2: Leave your partner feeling
comfortable and complimented, even if they
say “No”
RULE 3: A continual series of invitations and
responses
�A positive response is only an agreement to flirt a
little more
RULE 4: Invest in the process, without
attachment to a particular outcome
RULE 5: Choose a level likely to be successful
and comfortable for both
Levels of Flirting
LEVEL 1: Showing basic respect, thoughtfulness,
attention, consideration
�Be nice to each other…the “Nordstrom approach”
LEVEL 2: Displaying affection, genuine liking,
and/or love
�Research demonstrates that knowing your partner likes
you has a positive effect on the relationship…DUH!
LEVEL 3: Being playful and/or romantic
LEVEL 4: Being suggestive or seductive

RCI SV June 2005
4
4 Levels of Email
�SUBJECT: Need groceries
�Could you pick up some milk and eggs on the way over tonight?
It would help a bunch. Thx.
�SUBJECT: Need groceries
�Could you pick up some milk and eggs on the way over tonight?
How are you holding up? You said it might be a tough day. Love
you.
�SUBJECT: Eggs and dates
�I need some milk and eggs. Could you get some?
�I’ve also been thinking about our upcoming date night. Really
looking forward to having some time ALONE with you. XOXOX
�SUBJECT: I have needs
�I need some milk and eggs. Could you pick some up on the way
home?
�When you get here, I have other needs to discuss. Don’t dawdle.
Can’t wait. Add whipped cream to list.
Sample Flirts
While we drive, I put my hand
in his lap…well, mostly in his lap.
You have such pretty
eyes / hair / smile.
Compliments or
daily appreciations Taking time to hug
and kiss goodbye or
hello
The 6 second kiss
and the 15 second hug
Eye contact
while talking
Smiling
Post-Its in
surprise places
eCards
Voice mail
messages
Affectionate touch
in passing or while
talking
Holding hands as
we go to sleep
Creating your own
special rituals
Private jokes,
private vocabulary
How did that
presentation go?Bump each other
affectionatelyTerms of
endearment
Chocolate

RCI SV June 2005
5
Your Family Messages
�How many conversations
about sex did you have in
your family? Content? Tone?
�Who was conspicuously
absent or silent from talks
about sex?
�What was the response to
your questions about sex?
�How was nudity handled?
�Did you see/hear glimpses of
adult affection or passion?
�How was puberty handled?
Avoided? Celebrated?
Ridiculed?
�Were there rules around
sexuality? Dating? Clothes?
�Were there things labeled as
“forbidden”? Eg, movies,
magazines, dancing?
�Were you ever caught playing
doctor, strip poker, with
erotica, or masturbating?
What message were you left
with?
�Were you ever caught kissing
or touching your date? What
message were you left with?
Myths in Magazines

RCI SV June 2005
6
Prevalent Myths about Sex
�Sex should be natural and
spontaneous … without
planning or talking
�we should intuitively know
what our partner likes,
�our partner should mind
read our desires
�Sex = intercourse, and the
goal of sex is orgasm
�Sex is a performance;
pleasing my partner is what
counts
�Sex requires an erection
�sex is centered around a
hard penis and what’s
done with it
�All touching is sexual and
will / should lead to sex
�A real man is always
interested in and ready for
sex
�A real man is so good at
sex he’ll make the Earth
move… or at least knock
her socks off!
More Myths about Sex
�Women should know how
to give good blow jobs …
and want to
�Women should reach
orgasm through intercourse
alone
�Partners should climax
together in one mind-
bending orgasm
�A (near) perfect body is a
prerequisite for good sex
�Talking about sex “destroys
the magic”
�If I tell my partner what I
really want, they will think
I’m abnormal, or that I
haven’t been satisfied so far
�If you have a partner, you
shouldn’t need or want to
masturbate
�Sex implies love and
commitment

RCI SV June 2005
7
Impact of Myths and Messages
America has a message about sex, and that message is none
too subtle. Anyone who watches a movie, reads a magazine,
or turns on the television has seen it. It says that almost
everyone but you is having endless, fascinating, varied sex.
The public image of sex in America bears virtually no
relationship to the truth. The public image consists of
myths, and they are not harmless, for they elicit at best
unrealistic and at worst dangerous misconceptions of what
people do sexually. The resulting false expectations can badly
effect self-esteem, marriages, relationships, and