Scarborough and the Critic | Page 8

is here! why, sir, a man may drive a
coach and six horses into your body.
Lord Fop. Oh!
Probe. Why,

what the devil have you run the gentleman
through with--a
scythe?--[Aside.] A little scratch between the skin and the ribs, that's all.

Love. Let me see his wound.
Probe. Then you shall dress it, sir; for
if anybody looks upon it I won't.
Love. Why, thou art the veriest
coxcomb I ever saw!
Probe. Sir, I am not master of my trade for
nothing.
Lord Fop. Surgeon!
Probe. Sir.
Lord Fop. Are there any
hopes?
Probe. Hopes! I can't tell. What are you willing to give
for a
cure? Lord Fop. Five hundred paunds with pleasure.
Probe. Why
then perhaps there may be hopes; but we must
avoid further
delay.--Here, help the gentleman into a chair, and carry him to my
house presently--that's the properest place-- [Aside.] to bubble him out
of his money.--[Aloud.]
Come, a chair--a chair quickly--there, in with
him. [SERVANTS put_ LORD FOPPINGTON _into a chair.]
Lord
Fop. Dear Loveless, adieu; if I die, I forgive thee; and if I live, I hope
thou wilt do as much by me. I am sorry you and I should quarrel, but I
hope here's an end on't; for if you are satisfied, I am.
Love. I shall
hardly think it worth my prosecuting any
further, so you may be at
rest, sir.
Lord Fop. Thou art a generous fellow, strike me dumb!

--[Aside.] But thou hast an impertinent wife, stap my
vitals!
Probe.
So--carry him off!--carry him off!--We shall have
him into a fever
by-and-by.--Carry him off! [Exit with
LORD FOPPINGTON.]

Enter COLONEL TOWNLY.
Col. Town. So, so, I am glad to find
you all alive.--I met a wounded peer carrying off. For heaven's sake
what was the matter?
Love. Oh, a trifle! he would have made love to
my wife

before my face, so she obliged him with a box o' the ear, and
I ran him through the body, that was all.
Col. Town. Bagatelle on all
sides. But pray, madam, how
long has this noble lord been an humble
servant of yours?
Aman. This is the first I have heard on't--so I
suppose,
'tis his quality more than his love has brought him into this
adventure. He thinks his title an authentic passport to every woman's
heart below the degree of a peeress.
Col. Town. He's coxcomb
enough to think anything: but I
would not have you brought into
trouble for him. I hope there's no danger of his life?
Love. None at all.
He's fallen into the hands of a roguish surgeon, who, I perceive, designs

to frighten a little money out of him: but I saw his wound--'tis nothing:
he may go to the ball to-night if he pleases.
Col. Town. I am glad you
have corrected him without
further mischief, or you might have
deprived me of the pleasure of executing a plot against his lordship,
which I have been contriving with an old acquaintance of yours.
Love.
Explain.
Col. Town. His brother, Tom Fashion, is come down here,

and we have it in contemplation to save him the trouble of his intended
wedding: but we want your assistance. Tom would have called but he is
preparing for his enterprise, so I promised to bring you to him--so, sir,
if these ladies can spare you--
Love. I'll go with you with all my
heart.--[Aside.]
Though I could wish, methinks, to stay and gaze a
little longer on that creature. Good gods! how engaging she is!--but
what have I to do with beauty? I have already had my portion, and must
not covet more.
Aman. Mr. Loveless, pray one word with you before
you go. [Exit COLONEL TOWNLY.
Love. What would my dear?

Aman. Only a woman's foolish question: how do you like my cousin
here?
Love. Jealous already, Amanda?
Aman. Not at all: I ask you
for another reason.
Love. [Aside.] Whate'er her reason be, I must not

tell her true.--[Aloud.] Why, I confess, she's handsome:
but you
must not think I slight your kinswoman, if I own to you, of all the
women who may claim that character, she is the last that would
triumph in my heart.
Aman. I'm satisfied.
Love. Now tell me why
you asked?
Aman. At night I will--adieu!
Love. I'm yours. [Kisses
her and exit.]
Aman. I'm glad to find he does not like her, for I
have
a great mind to persuade her to come and live with me. [Aside.]
Ber.
So! I find my colonel continues in his airs; there
must be something
more at the bottom of this than the provocation he pretends from me.
[Aside.]
Aman. For Heaven's sake, Berinthia, tell me what way I

shall take to persuade you to come and live with me.
Ber. Why, one
way in the world there is, and but one.
Aman. And pray what is that?

Ber. It is to assure me--I shall be very welcome.
Aman. If that be
all, you shall e'en sleep here to-night. Ber. To-night.
Aman. Yes,
to-night.
Ber. Why, the people where I lodge will think me mad.

Aman. Let 'em think what they please.
Ber. Say you so,