Satyricon, vol 2, Trimalchio | Page 9

at Glyco! He's smoked himself out in
fine shape, and as long as he lives, he'll carry that stain! No one but the
devil himself can wipe that out, but chickens always come home to
roost. My nose tells me that Mammaea will set out a spread: two bits
apiece for me and mine! And he'll nick Norbanus out of his political
pull if he does; you all know that it's to his interest to hump himself to
get the best of him. And honestly, what did that fellow ever do for us?
He exhibited some two cent gladiators that were so near dead they'd
have fallen flat if you blew your breath at them. I've seen better thugs
sent against wild beasts! And the cavalry he killed looked about as
much like the real thing as the horsemen on the lamps; you would have
taken them for dunghill cocks! One plug had about as much action as a
jackass with a pack-saddle; another was club-footed; and a third who
had to take the place of one that was killed, was as good as dead, and
hamstrung into the bargain. There was only one that had any pep, and
he was a Thracian, but he only fought when we egged him on. The
whole crowd was flogged afterwards. How the mob did yell 'Lay it on!'
They were nothing but runaways. And at that he had the nerve to say,
'I've given you a show.' 'And I've applauded,' I answered; 'count it up
and you'll find that I gave more than I got! One hand washes the
other.'"
CHAPTER THE
FORTY-SIXTH
"Agamemnon, your looks seem to say, What's this boresome nut trying
to hand us?' Well, I'm talking because you, who can talk
book-foolishness, won't. You don't belong to our bunch, so you laugh
in your sleeve at the way us poor people talk, but we know that you're
only a fool with a lot of learning. Well, what of it? Some day I'll get
you to come to my country place and take a look at my little estate.
We'll have fresh eggs and spring chicken to chew on when we get there;
it will be all right even if the weather has kept things back this year.
We'll find enough to satisfy us, and my kid will soon grow up to be a
pupil of yours; he can divide up to four, now, and you'll have a little
servant at your side, if he lives. When he has a minute to himself, he

never takes his eyes from his tablets; he's smart too, and has the right
kind of stuff in him, even if he is crazy about birds. I've had to kill three
of his linnets already. I told him that a weasel had gotten them, but he's
found another hobby, now he paints all the time. He's left the marks of
his heels on his Greek already, and is doing pretty well with his Latin,
although his master's too easy with him; won't make him stick to one
thing. He comes to me to get me to give him something to write when
his master don't want to work. Then there's another tutor, too, no
scholar, but very painstaking, though; he can teach you more than he
knows himself. He comes to the house on holidays and is always
satisfied with whatever you pay him. Some little time ago, I bought the
kid some law books; I want him to have a smattering of the law for
home use. There's bread in that! As for literature, he's got enough of
that in him already; if he begins to kick, I've concluded that I'll make
him learn some trade; the barber's, say, or the auctioneer's, or even the
lawyer's. That's one thing no one but the devil can do him out of!
'Believe what your daddy says, Primigenius,' I din into his ears every
day, 'whenever you learn a thing, it's yours. Look at Phileros the
attorney; he'd not be keeping the wolf from the door now if he hadn't
studied. It's not long since he had to carry his wares on his back and
peddle them, but he can put up a front with Norbanus himself now!
Learning's a fine thing, and a trade won't starve.'"
CHAPTER THE
FORTY-SEVENTH.
Twaddle of this sort was being bandied about when Trimalchio came in;
mopping his forehead and washing his hands in perfume, he said, after
a short pause, "Pardon me, gentlemen, but my stomach's been on strike
for the past few days and the doctors disagreed about the cause. But
pomegranate rind and pitch steeped in vinegar have helped me, and I
hope that my belly will get on its good behavior, for sometimes there's
such a rumbling in