Redburn | Page 7

the gun that I clenched frightened
them into respect; or there might have been something ugly in my eye;
or my teeth were white, and my jaws were set. For several hours, I sat
gazing at a jovial party seated round a mahogany table, with some
crackers and cheese, and wine and cigars. Their faces were flushed with
the good dinner they had eaten; and mine felt pale and wan with a long
fast. If I had presumed to offer to make one of their party; if I had told
them of my circumstances, and solicited something to refresh me, I
very well knew from the peculiar hollow ring of their laughter, they
would have had the waiters put me out of the cabin, for a beggar, who
had no business to be warming himself at their stove. And for that
insult, though only a conceit, I sat and gazed at them, putting up no
petitions for their prosperity. My whole soul was soured within me, and
when at last the captain's clerk, a slender young man, dressed in the
height of fashion, with a gold watch chain and broach, came round
collecting the tickets, I buttoned up my coat to the throat, clutched my
gun, put on my leather cap, and pulling it well down, stood up like a
sentry before him. He held out his hand, deeming any remark
superfluous, as his object in pausing before me must be obvious. But I
stood motionless and silent, and in a moment he saw how it was with
me. I ought to have spoken and told him the case, in plain, civil terms,

and offered my dollar, and then waited the event. But I felt too wicked
for that. He did not wait a great while, but spoke first himself; and in a
gruff voice, very unlike his urbane accents when accosting the wine
and cigar party, demanded my ticket. I replied that I had none. He then
demanded the money; and upon my answering that I had not enough, in
a loud angry voice that attracted all eyes, he ordered me out of the
cabin into the storm. The devil in me then mounted up from my soul,
and spread over my frame, till it tingled at my finger ends; and I
muttered out my resolution to stay where I was, in such a manner, that
the ticket man faltered back. "There's a dollar for you," I added,
offering it.
"I want two," said he.
"Take that or nothing," I answered; "it is all I have."
I thought he would strike me. But, accepting the money, he contented
himself with saying something about sportsmen going on shooting
expeditions, without having money to pay their expenses; and hinted
that such chaps might better lay aside their fowling-pieces, and assume
the buck and saw. He then passed on, and left every eye fastened upon
me.
I stood their gazing some time, but at last could stand it no more. I
pushed my seat right up before the most insolent gazer, a short fat man,
with a plethora of cravat round his neck, and fixing my gaze on his,
gave him more gazes than he sent. This somewhat embarrassed him,
and he looked round for some one to take hold of me; but no one
coming, he pretended to be very busy counting the gilded wooden
beams overhead. I then turned to the next gazer, and clicking my
gun-lock, deliberately presented the piece at him.
Upon this, he overset his seat in his eagerness to get beyond my range,
for I had him point blank, full in the left eye; and several persons
starting to their feet, exclaimed that I must be crazy. So I was at that
time; for otherwise I know not how to account for my demoniac
feelings, of which I was afterward heartily ashamed, as I ought to have
been, indeed; and much more than that.
I then turned on my heel, and shouldering my fowling-piece and bundle,
marched on deck, and walked there through the dreary storm, till I was
wet through, and the boat touched the wharf at New York.
Such is boyhood.

III. HE ARRIVES IN TOWN
From the boat's bow, I jumped ashore, before she was secured, and
following my brother's directions, proceeded across the town toward St.
John's Park, to the house of a college friend of his, for whom I had a
letter.
It was a long walk; and I stepped in at a sort of grocery to get a drink of
water, where some six or eight rough looking fellows were playing
dominoes upon the counter, seated upon cheese boxes. They winked,
and asked what sort of sport I had had gunning on such a rainy day, but
I only gulped down my