Red Saunders | Page 7

would ruin their morals or something, and I kind of wondered if she was that sort.
"'That's a bargain,' says she prompt. 'But how you're going to light a cigar in this wind I don't see.'
"'Cigarette,' says I. 'And if you would kindly hold my hat until I get one rolled I'll take it kind of you.'
"'But what about the horses?' says she.
"'Put your foot on the lines and they'll make. That's the main and only art of driving on the prairie--not to let the lines get under the horses' feet--all the rest is just sit still and look at the scenery.'
"She held my hat for a wind-break, and I got my paper pipe together. And then--not a match. I searched every pocket. Not a lucifer. That is more of what I got for being funny and changing my clothes. And then she happened to think of a box she had for travelling, and fished it out of her grip.
"'Young lady,' I says, 'until it comes to be your bad luck--which I hope won't ever happen--to be very much in love with a man who won't play back, you'll never properly know the pangs of a man that's got all the materials to smoke with except the fire. Now, if I have a chance to do as much for you sometime, I'm there.'
"She laughed and crinkled up her eyes at me. 'All right, Mr. Saunders. When that obdurate man disdains me, I'll call for your help.'
"'The place for the man that would disdain you is an asylum,' says I. 'And the only help I'd give you would be to put him there.' She blushed real nice. I like to see a woman blush. It's a trick they can't learn.
"But I see she was put out by my easy talk, so I gave her a pat on the back and says, 'Don't mind me, little girl. We fellers see an eighteen-carat woman so seldom that it goes to our heads. There wasn't no offence meant, and you'll be foolish if you put it there. Let's shake hands.'
"So she laughed again and shook. I mean shook. It wasn't like handing you so much cold fish--the way some women shake hands. And Loys and me, we were full pards from date.
"I made one more bad break on the home trip.
"'Jonesy will be powerful glad to see you,' says I.
"'Jonesy!' says she, surprised. 'Jonesy! Oh, is that what you call Uncle Albert?'
"'Well, it does sometimes happen that way," says I. And then my anti-George Washington blood rose again. 'You see, he was kind of lonesome out there at first, and we took to calling him Jonesy to cheer him up and make him feel at home,' I says.
"'Oh!' says she. And I reckon she didn't feel so horribly awful about it, for after looking straight towards the Gulf of Mexico for a minute, suddenly she bust right out and hollered. It seems that Jones cut a great deal of grass to a swipe when he was back home in his own street. It's astonishing how little of a man it takes to do that in the East. We had an argument once on the subject. 'It's intellect does it,' says Silver Tompkins. 'Oh, that's it, eh?' says Wind-River Smith. 'Well, I'm glad I'm not troubled that way. I'd rather have a forty-four chest than a number eight head any day you can find in the almanac.' And I'm with Smithy. This knowing so much it makes you sick ain't any better than being so healthy you don't know nothing, besides being square miles less fun. Another thing about the Eastern folks is they're so sot in their views, and it don't matter to them whether the facts bear out their idees or not.
"'Here, take a cigar,' says one of the Board of Directors to me--a little fat old man, who had to draw in his breath before he could cross his legs--'them cigarettes'll ruin your health,' says he. Mind you, he was always kicking and roaring about his liver or stummick, or some of his works. I'm a little over six-foot-three in my boots when I stand up straight, and I stood up straight as the Lord would let me and gazed down at that little man. 'Pardner,' says I, 'I was raised on cigarettes. When I was two years old I used to have a pull at the bottle, and then my cigarette to aid digestion. It may be conceit on my part,' I says, 'but I'd rather be a wreck like me than a prize-fighter like you.' They're queer; you'd think that that little fat man would have noticed the difference without my pointing it out to him.
"Well, I don't have to mention that Loys stirred things up considerable around the Chanta Seechee