Red Saunders | Page 7

if we were travelling 100
per cent. better than a Dutch clock would show.
"'Goodness gracious!' says the girl, 'do you always go like this in this
country? And aren't there any roads?'
"'Why, no,' says I. 'Hike!' and I snapped the blacksnake over the ponies'
ears, and they strung themselves out like a brace of coyotes, nearly
pulling the buckboard out from under us. 'Sometimes we travel like
_this_,' I says. 'And as for roads, I despise 'em. You're not afraid, are
you?'
"'Indeed I'm not. I think it's glorious. Might I drive?'
"'If I can smoke,' says I, 'then you can drive.' I'd heard about young
women who'd been brought up so tender that tobacker smoke would

ruin their morals or something, and I kind of wondered if she was that
sort.
"'That's a bargain,' says she prompt. 'But how you're going to light a
cigar in this wind I don't see.'
"'Cigarette,' says I. 'And if you would kindly hold my hat until I get one
rolled I'll take it kind of you.'
"'But what about the horses?' says she.
"'Put your foot on the lines and they'll make. That's the main and only
art of driving on the prairie--not to let the lines get under the horses'
feet--all the rest is just sit still and look at the scenery.'
"She held my hat for a wind-break, and I got my paper pipe together.
And then--not a match. I searched every pocket. Not a lucifer. That is
more of what I got for being funny and changing my clothes. And then
she happened to think of a box she had for travelling, and fished it out
of her grip.
"'Young lady,' I says, 'until it comes to be your bad luck--which I hope
won't ever happen--to be very much in love with a man who won't play
back, you'll never properly know the pangs of a man that's got all the
materials to smoke with except the fire. Now, if I have a chance to do
as much for you sometime, I'm there.'
"She laughed and crinkled up her eyes at me. 'All right, Mr. Saunders.
When that obdurate man disdains me, I'll call for your help.'
"'The place for the man that would disdain you is an asylum,' says I.
'And the only help I'd give you would be to put him there.' She blushed
real nice. I like to see a woman blush. It's a trick they can't learn.
"But I see she was put out by my easy talk, so I gave her a pat on the
back and says, 'Don't mind me, little girl. We fellers see an
eighteen-carat woman so seldom that it goes to our heads. There wasn't
no offence meant, and you'll be foolish if you put it there. Let's shake
hands.'
"So she laughed again and shook. I mean shook. It wasn't like handing
you so much cold fish--the way some women shake hands. And Loys
and me, we were full pards from date.
"I made one more bad break on the home trip.
"'Jonesy will be powerful glad to see you,' says I.
"'Jonesy!' says she, surprised. 'Jonesy! Oh, is that what you call Uncle
Albert?'

"'Well, it does sometimes happen that way," says I. And then my
anti-George Washington blood rose again. 'You see, he was kind of
lonesome out there at first, and we took to calling him Jonesy to cheer
him up and make him feel at home,' I says.
"'Oh!' says she. And I reckon she didn't feel so horribly awful about it,
for after looking straight towards the Gulf of Mexico for a minute,
suddenly she bust right out and hollered. It seems that Jones cut a great
deal of grass to a swipe when he was back home in his own street. It's
astonishing how little of a man it takes to do that in the East. We had an
argument once on the subject. 'It's intellect does it,' says Silver
Tompkins. 'Oh, that's it, eh?' says Wind-River Smith. 'Well, I'm glad
I'm not troubled that way. I'd rather have a forty-four chest than a
number eight head any day you can find in the almanac.' And I'm with
Smithy. This knowing so much it makes you sick ain't any better than
being so healthy you don't know nothing, besides being square miles
less fun. Another thing about the Eastern folks is they're so sot in their
views, and it don't matter to them whether the facts bear out their idees
or not.
"'Here, take a cigar,' says one of the Board of Directors to me--a little
fat old man, who had to draw in his breath before he could cross his
legs--'them cigarettes'll ruin your health,' says he. Mind you, he was
always