Quaint Epitaphs | Page 6

had cremated four wives, and the ashes, kept in four urns, being overturned and fallen together, were buried at last and had this droll inscription:
Stranger pause and shed a tear,?For Mary Jane lies buried here.?Mingled in a most surprising manner?With Susan, Marie and portions of Hannah.
Sacred to the memory?Of Miss Martha Grimm.?She was so very spare within,?She burst the outward shell of sin?And hatched herself a cherubim.
No doctor ever physicked me,?Was never near my side.?But when fever came I thought of the name,?And that was enough--I died.
This is to the memory of Ellen Hill,?A woman who would always have her will.?She snubbed her husband but she made good bread?Yet on the whole he's rather glad she's dead.?She whipped her children and she drank her gin,?Whipped virtue out and whipped the devil in.?May all such women go to some great fold?Where they through all eternity may scold.
Sacred to the memory of William Skaradon who came to his death by being shot with a Colts revolver, one of the old kind brass mounted and of such is the kingdom of heaven.
Timothy Egan
He heard the angels calling him,?From the celestial shore.?He flopped his wings and away he flew?To make one angel more.
Here lies the body of Mary Ford?We hope her soul is with the Lord.?But if for tophet she's changed this life,?Better be there than J. Ford's wife.
A zealous locksmith died of late,?And did not enter Heaven's gate.?But stood without and would not knock?Because he meant to pick the lock.
Ashes to ashes dust to dust,?Here lies George Emery I trust.?And when the trump blows louder and louder?He'll rise a box of Emery powder.
There was a man who died of late,?Whom angels did impatient wait?With outstretched arms and smiles of love?To take him up to the realms above.?While hovering 'round the lower skies?Still disputing for the prize,?The devil slipped in like a weasil?And down to Hell he took old Kezle.
Here lies interred Priscilla Bird?Who sang on earth till sixty two.?Now up on high above the sky?No doubt she sings like sixty--too.
Here lies Jane Smith,?Wife of Thomas Smith, Marble Cutter.
This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work.
Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.
A Cricket Player's Epitaph.
In the pride of his manhood he heard the last call,?Though first in the field where his feet pressed the sod. He hath gained his last wicket and thrown his last ball, To join in the choir 'round the throne of his God.
Here lies the body of Susan Lowder?Who burst while drinking a _Sedlit_ powder.?Called from this world to her heavenly rest?She should have waited till it effervesced.
A man of letters it seems was he;?The college made him L.L. D.?The Order a P. G. W. C.?Grim death has given him the G. B.?And may his ashes R. I. P.
After cremation.
And this is all that's left of thee?Thou fairest of earth's daughters.?Only four pounds of ashes white?Out of two hundred and three quarters.
James Payn, the novelist, speaks of this epitaph as "pathetic and expressive."
Here lies an old woman who always was tired,?For she lived in a house where help was not hired;?And her last words on earth were,?Dear friends I am going?Where no washing is done nor sweeping or sewing.?Where all things will be exact to my wishes,?For where there's no eating there's no washing of dishes. I'll be where loud anthems are constantly ringing?But having no voice I shall get clear of singing.?She folded her hands with her latest endeavor?And sighing she whispered sweet nothing forever.
Alpha White?Weight 309 lbs.
Open wide ye golden gates?That lead to the heavenly shore.?Our father suffered in passing through?And mother weighs much more.
The winter snow congealed his form?But now we know our Uncle's warm.
Our papa dear has gone to Heaven?To make arrangements for eleven.
Epitaph on a dentist.
View this gravestone with gravity?He is filling his last cavity.
Here lies Dodge, who dodged all good?And dodged a deal of evil.?But after dodging all he could?He could not dodge the devil.
On the tombstone of a disagreeable old man.
"Deeply regretted by all who never knew him."
Here lies Jim Shaw, attorney-at-law.?When he died the devil cried,?Give me your paw, Jim Shaw,?Attorney at law.
Here lies my wife a sad slatterned shrew?If I said I regretted her I should lie too.
Here lies Ann Mann.?She lived an old maid?But died an old Mann.
Here lies Ned Hyde because he died.?If it had been his sister?We should not have missed her.?But would rather it had been his father?Or for the good of the nation?The whole generation.
On a well-known pill doctor.
His virtues and his pills are so well known?That envy can't confine them under stone.
Throughout his life he kneaded bread?And deemed it quite a bore.?But now six feet beneath earth's crust?He needeth bread no more.
Listen, Mother, Aunt and me?Were killed, here we be.?We