Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Page 6

excellent and unselfish healer of youthful wounds, Mr. BUMSTEAD."
More is said after this; but the speakers have strolled to the other side of the Gospeler's house, and their words cannot be distinguished Mr. BUMSTEAD closes his umbrella with such suddenness and violence as to nearly pull off the head of MCLAUGHLIN; drives his own hat further upon his nose with a sounding blow; takes several wild swallows from his antique flask; eats two cloves, and chuckles hoarsely to himself for some minutes. "Here, 'JOHN MCLAUGHLIN," he says, at last "try a little more West Indian Restorative, and then we'll go and do a few skeletons."
(To be Continued.)
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What is Likely to be Raised some day, regarding the Pneumatic Tunnel.
TUBAL. CAIN.
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[Illustration. PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE.]
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
In order to make this department of PUNCHINELLO as complete as possible, we have secured the services of the most competent authorities in literature, art, the sciences in general, history, biography, and the vast vague unknown. The answers furnished by us to our correspondents may therefore be relied upon as being strictly accurate.
Scales.--How old was DANIEL LAMBERT at the time of his death?
Answer.--736 lbs.
Ignoramus.--Why were the Roman Saturnalia so called?
Answer.--The proper spelling of the word is Sauternalia. They were wine feasts; and the vintage most in favor at them was Haut Sauterne.
Chasseur. Is the antelope to be classed among the goat family?
Answer.--No. MOORE calls it a "deer gazelle."
Armiger.--Is "arm's length" a recognized measure?
Answer.--Yes. It is a Standard measure, as may be seen in the way that journal is getting ahead of the Sun, which it keeps at arm's length.
Molar.--Yes; burnt Cork is an excellent dentifrice. It should not be applied to the teeth of children, however, as it is apt to impart an Irish accent, or, in extreme cases, even a negro dialect.
Bookworm.--Do two negatives always constitute an affirmative?
Answer.--That depends upon the price charged by the photographer.
_Sunswick_--Is it true that JAMES FISK, Jr., has purchased Baden and another German Duchy?
Answer.--No: but he could have both if he wanted two.
Rockland.--Who are the suffering persons represented in DORE'S remarkable picture of DANTE and VIRGIL visiting the frozen ward of the _Inferno_?
Answer.--The Knickerbocker Ice Company.
Solitaire.--On what day did the Fourth of July fall in the year 1788?
Answer.--On the Fourth.
James Lobbs.--How long ago is it since desiccated soup first came into use?
Answer.--At least as long ago as the days of CROMWELL, whose advice to his troops was "Put your trust in Providence, and keep your chowder dry."
Bach.--Is the practice of divorce a mark of civilization?
_Answer_--It is. In the Gorilla family, (the nearest approach to the human,) divorce is not practiced, but it is in Indiana, which is usually considered to be a State of Civilization.
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PAT TO THE QUESTION.
Our law-makers in Congress--or rather law-cobblers, for few of them have risen to the dignity of makers--are asked to repeal the per cap. duty imposed by California on all Chinamen imported there.
The Californians have the authority of Congress itself, for this duty. By reference to "HEYL'S Rates of Duties on Imports," page 36, art. 691, under head of "Act of June 30, 1864, chap. 171," "An act to increase Duties on Imports," etc., we find "on paddy one cent and a half per pound." Now if a good-sized Irishman pays $2.25, why shouldn't a "Celestial" pay as much in proportion to the weight of his _corpus_?
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Contradictory.
It appears that, by a joint resolution of Congress, the use of "that first-class humbug and fraud, the whiskey meter," has been abolished. Now there are dozens of members of Congress who are not only "first-class humbugs and frauds," but whiskey meters, to whom whiskey is both meat and drink, and yet who ever heard of their proposing to abolish themselves?
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[Illustration: STAY-AT-HOME PEOPLE
FOLKS MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GO TO NEWPORT OR LONG BRANCH, BUT THEY CAN ALWAYS CREATE A LOCAL SENSATION BY TAKING A FOOT-BATH IN THE BACK-YARD.]
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MURPHY THE CONQUEROR
BY CORPORAL QUINN.
Come tip us your fist, then, yer sowl you; Since iver I come from the wars The like wasn't heerd. Fill the bowl you Bowld sons of MILESIUS and MARS; And dhrink to ould Ireland the turfy That's shmilin' out there in the say, Wid three cheers for the conqueror MURPHY. Whoo! America's ours from to-day.
Och! SAYZAK he walloped the Briton, The Tarthars leap't China's big wall, ALEXANDTHUR did half the wurld sit on, But niver touched Ireland at all. At Clontarf ould BOBU in the surf he Sint tumblin' the murdtherin' Danes-- But, yer sowl, the brave conqueror MURPHY Takes the shine out of all of their panes.
ULYSSES has made him Collecthor, (Sich choppin' o' heads ne'er was seen;) Sure the hayro will make me Inspecthor Whin there's so many "wigs on the