Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 8

thought that even you would have interfered now that matters have reached such a state. Your attitude is intolerable.
I am well able to protect the Government's secrets, and my movements could be of little interest even to you, but I do not think the society of your maids desirable for a young man like George. I strongly suspect that they are having a bad influence over him. He is becoming careless in his work.
I accidentally overheard him say, in conversation with the grocer's man, that he was--to use his own expression--walking out with a Miss Parsons. Is this either your parlour-maid or housemaid? or is it some third person?
Yours faithfully, FREDERICK PETHERTON.
DEAR OLD CHAP (I replied),--Thank you for your cheering letter. I hope neither of us will say or do anything that would terminate this exchange of letters, which is keeping me from dwelling too much on the War.
Miss Parsons is our cook, as worthy a young woman as ever riveted an apple-dumpling or tossed a custard. She would make George an excellent wife. Don't worry about the parlour-maid or housemaid. They would, I am sure, be delighted to be at the wedding.
Yours, HARRY.
Petherton's reply was prompt, personal and to the point:--
SIR,--Confound you and your entire staff! You ought all to be interned. If George ever thinks of leaving me I trust it will not be to marry one of your household. In the name of decency I must insist on your taking strong action to end what is a positive scandal.
Faithfully yours, FREDERICK PETHERTON.
It was Monday before I replied, then I wrote:--
DEAR FREDDY,--Let us mingle our tears. The worst is about to happen If you were as good a churchgoer as one could wish, you would have been in your pew yesterday morning, when the banns were read out (for the first time of asking) "between George Goodman, bachelor, and Emily Parsons, spinster, both of this parish," though this would not have conveyed to you the appalling fact that your man is marrying my entire staff all at once. I doubt, however, if you will be able to find cause or just impediment, etc.
Yours, H.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "DIDN'T KNOW WOT 'APPINESS WAS TILL I GOT MARRIED."
"AND NOW YOU'VE 'AD TO LEAVE IT, EH?"
"WOTCHER MEAN, LEAVE IT? I'VE COME BACK TO IT."]
* * * * *
THE TEMPERANCE MOVEMENT IN INDIA.
"In the Punjab and Sind it has been possible to colonise uninhabited wastes, and flourishing communities, aggregating nearly two million inhabitants, are supported entirely by canal water."
_Prof. STANLEY JEVONS, in "To-day."_
* * * * *
"Girl wanted, just leaving school, for Ruling Department."--Provincial Paper.
Does this mean that we are to have a flapper in the Cabinet?
* * * * *
THE FOLLOW-UP METHOD.
When you respond to an advertisement offering a booklet or a sample free, you are pestered by the proprietor of the commodity advertised with numerous communications importuning your custom, until in sheer self-defence you make a purchase. Now I had occasion to answer an announcement advertising for the services of a person with attainments approximating to my own, decided that, in the event of my application attracting no response, I would adopt the methods indicated above. For the benefit of others I give below a record of my procedure and the result.
My first letter detailed my qualifications, which were very exceptional; explained that my intelligence and industry were far above the average; that I was morbidly conscientious, and willing to sacrifice all my own interests for the needs of the firm; that the reason for leaving my last position was solely a matter of circumstances over which I had no control, and that at an interview, which I craved, I would explain everything to everybody's satisfaction and prove my perfect eligibility for the post. And so forth.
I waited a fortnight. There was no reply. I therefore despatched a follow-up letter. I explained my regret at receiving no response to letter No. 1, and suggested that perhaps it had been inadvertently overlooked, or had gone astray in transit. Alternatively I hinted that perhaps the firm regarded the list of my qualifications as incredibly pretentious, and I assured them that it in no way exaggerated my good points. I had indeed become, if possible, even more conscientious and industrious since I had last written, and having recovered from a cold in the head from which I was then suffering I was actually in better physical condition than before. I reminded the firm that in granting me a preliminary interview they incurred no liability whatsoever.
Another two weeks went by, and still no answer. So I despatched Follow-up Letter No. 2.
This briefly referred to my two previous communications, and asked whether it was not clear to them that, by securing my services while I was in possession of all my faculties and the