Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 6

praps they never did afore, I feels myself compelled to
state, that our good kind Lord MARE was so delighted to see sich
swarms of appy children all round him and looking up to him so appy
and so grateful, that, jest afore it was time to go, he acshally told 'em a
most wunderful story all about two great Giants as lived in the rain of
King LUD, on Ludgate Hill. I was that estonished when he begun, as to
amost think that GOG and MAGOG, as stood on both sides of him,
would begin to grin, but that was, of course, only a passing delushun.
But didn't all the children lissen with open mouths when the Lord
MARE told 'em that one of the Giants had too heads, and the other
three! and that a very good boy named JACK managed to kill 'em both!
And so all was ended but the cheering, and that the pore delited
children kept up till they all marched out, smiling and appy, and
wishing as such glorious heavenings was in store for them in grand old
Gildall for many, many years to come, and with sitch a Lord Mare to
see as everything was done as it had been done that jolly heavening.
ROBERT.
* * * * *
DWARFS.--Of course there are dwarfs. Lots of 'em all over the world.
At least no experienced traveller ever yet made a stay in any country
without becoming acquainted with plenty of people who were
"uncommonly 'short' just at that moment,"--"that moment" being when
the impecunious traveller wanted to obtain a slight loan. The author of
Borrow in Spain would have been an authority on such a subject.
* * * * *

TRANSFORMATION SCENE.--Dear Sir, I see by the paper that "Mr.
EDMUND YATES has been made a J. P." Odd! What does "J. P."
stand for? Oh, of course, "JOE PARKINSON." But does "E. Y." on
becoming "J. P." cease to be "MOI-MÊME"?--Yours, M. MUDDLE.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A TOO INQUIRING MIND.
"HOW WAS I MADE, MAMMIE DARLING? WAS I KNITTED?"]
* * * * *
THE LATEST TRADE OUTRAGE!
(Scene from the New and Unpopular Sensation Drama of "The
Monopoly-Monster and the Maid Forlorn.")
["A large number of complaints have reached the Board of Trade with
regard to increase in the new rates adopted by Railway Companies as
from January 1 ... among other complaints of increase of rates for the
conveyance of milk, grain, hay and other agricultural produce,
firewood, live stock, coal and coke, iron and hardware."--Sir
COURTENAY BOYLE to the Secretary of the Railway Companies
Association.]
Oh! who'll bring a rescue or two to the help of a much-injured Maid,
Thus cruelly bound hand and foot, and by miscreants ruthlessly laid On
the lines, in the Pathway of Peril? The Monster snorts nearer! Bohoo!
'Tis a Melodrame-crisis of danger!--and who'll bring a rescue or two?
The Maid (British Trade), has been harried and hunted by villains and
robbers, By bold, bad, black-masked foreign foes, and by home-bred
monopolist jobbers. In town or in country alike the poor dear has been
chevied and chased. By rivals deceitful and dark, and by kindred
deboshed and debased.
She once was a proud reigning beauty, who now is a maid all forlorn,

As hopeless and helpless, and tearful as RUTH midst the alien corn. Or
poor Proserpine snatched by dark Pluto afar from the day and the light;
Torn away--like this maiden--from Ceres, and wrapt--like this
maiden--in night.
Perchance she was just a bit haughty in virginal safety and pride; No
rival too near her high throne, Prince FORTUNIO aye at her side; But
now a poor PERDITA, prone at the feet of her foes she lies bound, And
that melodramatic thud-thud draweth near--a most menacing sound!
Ah! sure 'twas enough to deprive the Maid of Protection, her trust! But
this is the last straw of burden that bows her poor back to the dust. That
Monster should be her sworn henchman, and now she lies bound in his
path! Oh! where is the hero who'll rush to her rescue, in chivalrous
wrath?
Such champion always turns up--on the stage! CHAPLIN,
WINCHILSEA, BOYLE, HOWARD-VINCENT & Co., here's your
chance. Shall she be that big Monster's mere spoil? Ah! Surely the
Maid is too lovely to leave to the murderous crew Of the Monster
Monopoly's myrmidons! Who'll bring a rescue or two?
* * * * *
Her First Appearance.
"What! a new Magazine!" just so, First number, January, "Oh! So far?
yet farther sure will go The Mother."
* * * * *
"SCHOOL ATTENDANCE IN BAD WEATHER."--"SANDFORD"
writes of this to the Times. Why doesn't MERTON--our TOMMY
MERTON--speak? And what has the venerated Mr. BARLOW got to
say?
*