Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 7

the Cook; And, if they started in
to weep, A word would make them stow it:-- 'That's not effective,
merely cheap; And, what is more, you know it.'"
"You'd bring the Cook," says she, "to book By just a look?" "I should."
"By something terse you'd make the Nurse Feel even worse?" "I
would." "You'd say to weep was merely cheap And, what was more,
they knew it?" "I should," say I; and her reply Is: "Come along and do
it."
How doth the Barrister delight In any low resort, And hurry from the
losing fight To seek another Court.
* * * * *
"Mme. Tetrazzini had not been heard in London for five years and
some little ooooooo aaaaaaaay shd cf cwyyy might have been busy on
her voice. Well, it has scarcely."--South African Paper.
Her many admirers will be glad to know this.
* * * * *
[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
"HAND OVER YOUR MONEY!"
"CERTAINLY, MY GOOD MAN. NOW I DON'T WANT TO BE
PERSONAL, BUT YOU'VE GOT THE VERY FACE I WANT FOR
MY NEW FILM, 'THE BAD MAN OF CRIMSON CREEK.' I'LL
GIVE YOU FIFTY POUNDS A WEEK FOR AN EXCLUSIVE
CONTRACT. CAN I TEMPT YOU?"]
* * * * *

THE BOAT-RACE AGAIN.
In June, 1914, I took a house on the Thames, in order to make sure of a
good view of the Boat-Race; then a man threw a bomb at Serajevo and
ruined my plans. But now it is going to happen again. And instead of
fighting with a vast crowd at Hammersmith Bridge I shall simply walk
up into the bathroom and look out of the window. It is wonderful.
Yet meanwhile I have lost some of my illusions about this race. I have
a boat myself; I myself have rowed all over the course in my boat. It is
only ten feet long, but it is very, very heavy. Still, I have rowed in it all
over the course--with ease. Yet people talk as if it was a marvellous
thing for eight men to row a light boat over the same water. Why is that?
It is because the ignorant land-lubber regards the river Thames as a
pond; or else he regards it as a river flowing always to the sea. He
forgets about the tide. The Boat-Race is rowed with the tide; they
deliberately choose a moment when the tide is coming in, and hope
nobody will notice; and nobody does notice. The tide runs about three
miles an hour, sometimes more; if they just sat still in the boat they
would reach Mortlake eventually, and the crowd would get a good look
at them, instead of seeing them for ten seconds. The race ought to be
rowed against the tide. Then it really would be a feat of strength; then
it really would take ten years off their lives--perhaps more. Then
perhaps small boys would drop things on them from the bridges, as
they do on me. I wonder they don't try to do that now. There is a certain
quiet satisfaction in dropping things on people, especially if they are
labouring under Hammersmith Bridge against the tide, and I should
imagine that the temptation to drop things on a University crew would
be almost irresistible. It is not everyone who can look back and say, "In
1890 I hit the Oxford stroke in the stomach with a stone." As it is,
though, I suppose they go too fast for that kind of thing.
But apart from the small boys on the bridges, the present system is
most unsatisfactory for people who know "a man in the boat." Even in
a football match it is possible for an aunt occasionally to distinguish her
nephew and say, "Look, there is Edward." But if she says, "Look, there
is Edward," meaning No. 5 in the Cambridge boat, you know she is

imagining. All she sees is a vague splashing between two bowler-hats,
or possibly the Oxford rudder moving at high speed through a horse's
legs. If the race were rowed against the tide we should all get our
money's worth; and the oars-men could then put more realism into their
"After-the-Finish" attitudes. As it is, they roll about in the boat with a
praiseworthy suggestion of fatigue, but nobody really believes they are
tired--nobody at least who has rowed on the Thames with the tide.
No, I am afraid the actual race is a sad hypocrisy. But the training must
be terrible. Think of it. They started practising in the second week in
January: they row the race in the fourth week in March. For ten weeks
and more they have been "getting those hands away" and driving with
those legs and not washing-out. For ten weeks horrible