Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 3

piano a good deal?
I (brightly). If you mean the detachable steering-wheel, it is only fair to
remember that a part interchangeable between the motor-omnibus and
the steam-roller--
He. I don't understand.

I. Permit me to reassemble the mechanism.
He. You mean that when you put that armchair at the end of the sofa
and the music-stool in front of it--
I. I mean that the motor-omnibus driver, sitting as he does in front of
his vehicle and manipulating his steering-wheel like this, can do little
or no harm to the apparatus. On the other hand, the steam-roller
mechanic, standing inside the body of the vehicle, and having the
steering-wheel in this position--
He. On the sofa?
I. Naturally. Well, supposing he happens to have a slight difference of
opinion with his mate as to which of them ought to do the driving, the
wheel is quite likely to be pushed off on to the macadam, where it gets
a trifle frayed round the edges.
He. I see. How awfully stupid of me! And this pouffe, or whatever they
call it?
I. Week in and week out, boy and girl, I have seen that dromedary
ridden over more miles of desert than I can tell you, and never once
have I known it under-fed or under-watered, or struck with anything
harder than the human fist. Of course the hump does get a little floppy
with frequent use, but considering how barren your Sahara--
He. Quite, quite. I was just looking at that armchair. Aren't there a lot
of scratches on the legs?
I. Have you ever kept panthers? Do you realise how impatiently they
chafe at times against the bars of their cage? Of course, if you
haven't....
Finally, I imagine he will see how reasonable my attitude is and how
little he has to complain of. He will recognise that one cannot deal with
complicated properties of this sort without a certain amount of
inevitable dilapidation and loss.

As a matter of fact I have an even stronger line of argument if I choose
to take it. I can put in a counter-claim. One of the principal attractions
of old furniture, after all, is historic association. There is the armchair,
you know, that Dr. JOHNSON sat in, and the inkpot, or whatever it
was, that MARY, Queen of Scots, threw at JOHN BUNYAN or
somebody, and I have also seen garden-seats carved out of famous
battleships. And then again, if you go to Euston, or it may be
Darlington, you will find on the platform the original tea-kettle out of
which GEORGE WASHINGTON constructed the first steam-engine.
The drawing-room furniture that we are relinquishing combines the
interest of all these things. If I like I can put a placard on the sofa,
before I take its owner to see it, worded something like this:--
"Puffing Billy, the original steam-roller out of which this elegant piece
was carved, held the 1920 record for fourteen trips to Brighton and
back within half-an-hour." And after he has seen that I can lead him
gently on to Roaring Rupert, the arm-chair. Really, therefore, when one
comes to consider it, the man owes me a considerable sum of money
for the enhanced sentimental value that has been given to his
commonplace property.
Mind you, I have no wish to be too hard on him. I shall be content with
a quite moderate claim, or even with no claim at all. Possibly, now I
come to think of it; I shall simply say,
"You know what it is to have a couple of bally kids about the place.
What shall I give you to call it square?"
And he will name a sum and offer me a cigarette, and we shall talk a
little about putting or politics.
But it doesn't much matter. Whatever he asks he can only put it down
in the receipts' column of his account-book under the heading of
"Depreciation of Furniture," whereas in my expenses it will stand as
"Richard and Priscilla: for Adventures, Travel and Romance."
EVOE.

* * * * *
[Illustration: A ST. PATRICK'S DAY DREAM
(MARCH 17).
THE IDYLLIST OF DOWNING STREET (with four-leaved
shamrock). "SHE LOVES ME! SHE--BUT PERHAPS I'D BETTER
NOT GO ANY FURTHER."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: Visitor. "AND HOW IS YOUR NEWLY-MARRIED
DAUGHTER?"
Mrs. Brown. "OH, SHE'S NICELY THANK YOU. SHE FINDS HER
HUSBAND A BIT DULL; BUT AS I TELLS HER, THE GOOD 'UNS
ARE DULL."]
* * * * *
WINTER SPORT IN THE LOWER ALPS.
About two months ago, after a course of travel literature and some back
numbers of The Badminton Magazine, I became infected with a desire
to spend a winter in the Alps, skating, sliding, curling and yodelling in
the intervals of ski-ing, skijoring, skilacking and skihandlung.