Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 8

Pierre Vaast has been converted into a marsh in which half-frozen soldiers, wet to the skin and knee-deep in mud, absorb the shells."
_New Zealand Paper._
* * * * *
"The dispute, he claimed, was not started by the employees, but by the employer making sweeping reductions in the ages of the men."
_Daily Paper._
If he wants to do this sort of thing with impunity he should employ women.
* * * * *
A FOOD PROBLEM.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Please do tell me. Must I count sausages under the meat or the bread allowance? I do so want to help my country faithfully.
Yours, WORRIED HOUSEWIFE.
* * * * *
"REWARD 2s. 6d. Lost, a small Silver Toothpick, value sentimental."
_Nottingham Evening Post._
The latest thing in love-tokens.
* * * * *
"After a debate lasting three days, the Senate rejected the motion approving Mr. Wilson's Nose."--_The Bulletin (Lahore)._
The Senate has since shown its impartiality by registering its profound disapproval of the KAISER'S Cheek.
* * * * *
"A special constable has received the Silver Medal of the Society for Protection of Life from fire for his gallantry in mounting a ladder at a local fire last May and rescuing a cook."--_Daily Paper._
It is understood that members of the regular "force" consider that he showed some presumption in not leaving this particular task to them.
* * * * *
[Illustration: BLIGHTED PROSPECTS.
BERNSTORFF (_bitterly_). "PRETTY MESS YOU'VE MADE OF IT WITH YOUR NEW FRIGHTFULNESS. I'VE LOST MY JOB!"
HINDENBURG (_also bitterly_). "WELL, YOU'RE WELCOME TO MINE."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Dug-out_ (_who has been put off on the last three greens by his caddie sneezing, and has now foozled his putt again_). "CONFOUND YOU! WHY DIDN'T YOU SNEEZE? I WAS COUNTING ON IT."]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
_Wednesday, February 7th._--HIS MAJESTY opened Parliament to-day for what we all hope will be the Victory Session. But it will not be victory without effort. That was the burden of nearly all the speeches made to-day, from the KING'S downwards. HIS MAJESTY, who had left his crown and robes behind, wore the workmanlike uniform of an Admiral of the Fleet; and the Peers had forgone their scarlet and ermine in favour of khaki and sable. When Lord STANHOPE, who moved the Address, ventured, in the course of an oration otherwise sufficiently sedate, to remark that "the great crisis of the War had passed," Lord CURZON was swift to rebuke this deviation into cheerfulness. On the contrary, he declared, we were now approaching "the supreme and terrible climax of the War." He permitted himself, however, to impart one or two comforting items of information with regard to the arming of existing merchant-ships, the construction of new tonnage and the development of inventions for the discovery and deletion of submarines. For excellent reasons, no doubt, it was all a little vague, but in one respect his statement left nothing to be desired in the way of precision. "The present Government, in its seven weeks of office, had taken but two large and one small hotels," and is, I gather, marvelling at its own moderation.
I was a little disappointed with the speeches of the Mover and Seconder of the Address in the Commons, for of recent years there has been a great improvement in this difficult branch of oratory. Sir HEDWORTH MEUX must, I think, have been dazzled by the effulgence of his epaulettes, which were certainly more highly polished than his periods. When in mufti he is much briefer and brighter. As Mr. ASQUITH however found both speeches "admirable," no more need be said.
The LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, as one must for convenience style him--though in truth there is no Opposition, in the strict sense of the word--just said what he ought to have said. For one brief moment he seemed to be straying on to dangerous ground, when he put some questions regarding the scope of the coming Imperial Conference; but the rest of his speech was wholly in keeping with the peroration, in which he pleaded that in the prosecution of the Nation's aim there should be "no jarring voices, no party cross-currents, no personal or sectional distractions."
Unfortunately there is a section of the Commons over which he exercises no control. When Mr. BONAR LAW, as Leader of the House, rose to reply, the "jarring voices" of Mr. SNOWDEN and others of his kidney were heard in chorus, calling for the PRIME MINISTER. Mr. LAW paid no attention to the interruption. He cordially thanked Mr. ASQUITH for his speech, "the best possible testimony to the unity of this country," and assured him that the Imperial Conference would be primarily concerned with the successful prosecution of the War. The GERMAN EMPEROR had proved himself a great Empire-builder, but it was not his own empire that he was building.
Later on Mr. PRINGLE reverted to the absence of the PRIME