Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 9

full vigour and strength of my being, there were advantages they could not possibly acquire with me in, say, another thirty years, when I should probably be suffering from rheumatism, chronic dyspepsia, deafness, dim sight, loss of memory and certainly from approaching old age. I concluded by offering them three days' free trial (I always do best in the first three days); if I failed to give satisfaction by the end of that period they could return me without incurring any obligation whatsoever.
Again two weeks passed away, and there was still no answer. So I sent Follow-up Letter No. 3.
In this I announced a Special Offer, viz., a reduction of twenty pounds sterling (��20) on the salary originally asked if the firm engaged me within ten days from the date of the offer.
I gave them twelve days in which to respond, but still received no answer, so, after allowing a further two days' grace, I despatched Follow-up Letter No. 4, stating that as they had evidently been prevented from replying to my special offer I had decided to extend the period for acceptance by fourteen (14) days, reckoning from the date of the present communication. At the end of that period the salary demanded would be increased by ten pounds (��10) over and above that asked in my first application. Thus, by accepting the existing offer of twenty pounds (��20) reduction, they would really be securing me at thirty pounds (��30) less than my market price.
I waited patiently for a further fourteen days, and then sent Follow-up Letter No. 5.
This letter was quite brief. It made no attempt to disguise the fact that I was hurt at the firm's silence, and it hinted at enquiries from other employers of labour whose needs would have to be considered. It intimated also that I could not possibly hold myself at the firm's disposal indefinitely, and that unless a prompt reply was received I could not guarantee acceptance. By way of a crushing suggestion of niggardliness on their part I enclosed a stamped addressed envelope.
An answer came by return of post as follows:--
DEAR SIR,--In reply to your letter, we beg to say that the vacancy to which you refer was filled some ten (10) weeks ago.
Yours faithfully, etc.
Now I know where I am. Without this persistence, which is the essence of the following-up business, I should simply be where I am without knowing it.
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[Illustration: Lady Cynthia (_showing wounded Tommies the ancestral portraits_). "AND THIS IS THE FIRST EARL IN FULL FIGHTING KIT."
Tommy. "HE'S GOT HIS IDENTIFICATION DISC ALL RIGHT, MA'AM."]
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BACCHUS AT THE FRONT.
Extract from a speech by the KAISER as reported by The Sun (Vancouver, B.C.):--
"The campaign ... had been conducted according to the brilliant plans of Field-Marshal von Hindenburg.... The old god of bottles directed. We were his instruments and we are proud of it."
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"Among some of the best-informed bankers in the City the view taken in this respect is one which it may be well for the public at large to have repeated for their own guidance. The new War Loan, they say, will either be the last before the Allies impose on the enemy their own terms of peace, or it will not."--The Times.
We had already formed the same opinion, but we are glad to have it confirmed on such high authority.
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"Barrow magistrates decided that Ideas must not be sold after the closing hour."--Daily Sketch.
Unfortunately this will not prevent the bore from continuing to give you his gratis.
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Demand--
"Elderly English Girl wanted as companion to young lady for afternoon."--Egyptian Gazette.
and supply--
"The age limit for Girl Guides was formerly 18 years, but it has now been raised to 81 years by general request."--British Paper.
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[Illustration: Tommy. "SOMETHIN' TO DHRINK, IF YE PLAZE, MISS." Helper. "CERTAINLY. WILL YOU HAVE TEA OR COFFEE?"
Tommy. "NEITHER, THANK-YE." Helper. "COCOA, THEN, OR BOVRIL?"
Tommy. "NO, NO. NONE OF THEM FOR ME, MISS."
Helper (_with asperity_). "WELL, WE'VE NOTHING ELSE EXCEPT WATER."
Tommy (_earnestly_). "AN' I DAREN'T TOUCH THAT. D'YE SEE, MISS, WHEN ME FATHER LAY DYIN'--GOD REST HIS SOWL!--HE SEZ TO ME, 'I'VE GIVEN YE AN IRON CONSTITUTION, ANNYWAY, AN' LET YE SEE TO IT THAT YE NIVER TAKE ANNYTHING THAT 'UD RUST IT ON YE.'"]
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THE QUEST OF KNOWLEDGE.
MR. BLAIR, the L.C.C. Education Officer, is dissatisfied, according to _The Daily Chronicle_, with the questions put at school examinations, on the ground that they do not test the thoughtfulness and ingenuity of the pupil. The "Why" as well as the "What" should be developed, and to illustrate the value of the method proposed Mr. BLAIR suggests various sample questions, e.g.:--
"How do you account for the density of the population in Staffordshire?
"Find out from your