Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 3

of an insensate War Cabinet. I can only say that if this is to be our spirit we are indeed defeated. Where is our devotion to manly sports, so potent in the moulding of our National character? What has become of our immemorial Right to Look On? Where is our boasted liberty, deprived as we are now to be of a chance to find the winner? What did WELLINGTON say of Waterloo? and MARLBOROUGH of Blenheim? and BOTTOMLEY of the Battle of the Somme? By what perversity of reasoning are we thus to asphyxiate the best instincts of our race?
We are said to be fighting for all that we hold sacred. Yet there is nothing that is held more sacred in every cottage home throughout the land than the Preservation of our Bloodstock. Let us not deceive ourselves. It is our supremacy in Bloodstock alone that makes possible the governess car, the milk van, the brewer's dray, the very plough itself. These are fundamental facts.
It has been suggested that, in order to avoid the assembling of frivolous crowds in war-time, races might be run in private. But that is quite impracticable. Only on the public racecourse can the lofty virtues of our British Bloodstock be displayed. The exciting presence of the crowd is absolutely essential to tune up its nerve and temper. Already our Bloodstock has suffered cruelly from gaps in the Grand Stand.
Then again there are some who actually complain that petrol is consumed in large quantities by those attending race meetings. Are we to put new heart into our enemies by letting it be known that we are short of petrol?
And finally there are some who so little understand the qualities of the Thoroughbred as to suggest that gambling should be stopped in war-time. The horse, unlike the Cabinet, is intelligent. Can he be expected to exhibit his priceless qualities of speed and stamina if no one puts his money up?
I need say no more. Such flippant legislation is bad enough at any time; during the Armageddon period it is little short of treason. One wonders when our Government will begin to realise that we are at war.
I am, Yours helpfully, as usual, STATISTICIAN.
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THE DIARY OF A CO-ORDINATOR.
_June 17th._--Flew in an aeroplane to Los Angeles and correlated the industrial functions of the East and West. Returned to the White House for dinner, and co-ordinated grape juice with lemonade and Perrier.
_June 18th._--Breakfasted with HEARST and co-ordinated him for half-an-hour with the editor of New York Life, a task needing the highest diplomatic qualities. Flew to Harvard and delivered lecture on Mr. BALFOUR'S Theology as correlated with his style in golf. A great reception. Despatched report by wireless to London, Paris and Petrograd. Returned to New York in the afternoon and co-ordinated UPTON SINCLAIR, Colonel ROOSEVELT, TUMULTY and CHARLES DANA GIBSON.
_June 19th._--In the morning dictated articles for the Novoe Vremya, Matin and Corriere della Sera, emphasizing the need of co-operative cosmopolitan co-ordination. Flew to Chicago to deliver supplementary lecture to that given by ARTHUR BALFOUR on ARISTOTLE. Took for my subject "Aerial Trade Routes, as co-ordinated with Terra-firma Routes for Motor-lorries." Enthusiastic reception. Co-ordinative cold collation at 9 P.M. at Philadelphia with GOMPERS, ROCKEFELLER, Mrs. ATHERTON and BILLY SUNDAY.
_June 20th._--Dictated article on the New Diplomacy for The New York Journal. In the afternoon co-ordinated the tenets of Shin-Toism, Christian Science and Mormonism. A heavy day.
_June 21st._--Much annoyed by report of CURZON'S extraordinary speech in the House of Lords. Called at the White House and the British Embassy to put matters right, and sent wireless to CURZON: "Nothing 'succeeds' like success."
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"'Another medical certificate, Sir; you can't read them,' remarked a solicitor to the chairman at the Devon Appeal Tribunal (Exeter Panel), as he sought to decipher the hand- [Inverted: writing on one of those documents. Previously in the day a certificate had been handed to Lieutenant Stirling with the remark, 'You won't be able to read it.' The] resourceful military representative, however, thought he might succeed, and made the attempt."--_Exeter Express and Echo._
Standing on his head, we suppose.
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Extract from a report of a sermon by Father BERNARD VAUGHAN:--
"They might as well go on to one of the main lines and attempt to stop one of the engines gorging from Euston to Edinburgh."--Express and Echo (_Exeter_).
Perhaps it would be wiser to refer the matter to the FOOD-CONTROLLER.
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[Illustration: A GOOD RIDDANCE.
(The KING has done a popular act in abolishing the German titles held by members of His Majesty's family.) ]
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[Illustration: Bluejacket (_on torpedo-boat that has only just avoided collision with a neutral steamer_). "I KNOW YOU LOVE ME, ALFONSO, BUT THERE'S NO BLINKIN' NEED TO TRY AND KISS ME EVERY TIME WE MEET."]
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