Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 7

Paper.
Are we downhearted? No!
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Extract from Army Orders in the Field:--
"When Sections 3 and 4 have opened rapid fire, and the bullets have had time to reach the enemy, but not before, Sections 1 and 2 move up into line with No. 3 and 4."
Aren't the Staff wonderful? They think of everything.
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[Illustration: SNOWING HIM UNDER.
A FORECAST OF THE NEW BRITISH WAR LOAN.]
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[Illustration: Possible Purchaser. "WHAT SORT OF DOG IS HE?"
_Dog-Fancier_. "'IM, LIDY? 'E'S A LITTLE PEDIGREE DAWG, 'E IS. AN' THIS IS 'IS MOTHER ON THE LEAD--QUITE ANOTHER TYPE O' DAWG, BUT ALSO A PEDIGREE."]
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PETHERTON AND THE PLURALIST.
"Hello!" I said, "a note from Petherton. What can my charming neighbour want now?"
The letter ran as follows:--
SIR,--I find that George, the young man I employ as house-boy, has become friendly with one of your maids, and I shall he glad if you will co-operate with me so far as is possible in trying to prevent their meeting, as I do not think it desirable that there should be further communication between our households than is, unfortunately, necessary.
I should not have troubled to write to you had it not been that George strongly resented my interference with his private affairs when I remonstrated with him just now on the matter. Servants are so deplorably independent in these times, and men as useful as George are so difficult to obtain, that I do not care to open the subject with him again.
The maid of yours in question is the one who goes out on Wednesday evenings. As that is also George's evening out, perhaps you could arrange to let this particular maid go out on another evening instead.
Faithfully yours, FREDERICK PETHERTON.
"What confounded sauce!" I said, and replied formally as follows:--
DEAR MR. PETHERTON,--It must, I am sure, be most alarming to you to find that servants of ours are hobnobbing and perhaps discussing our affairs. Unfortunately to make the alteration you suggest would throw the whole of our domestic staff out. I know the maid to whom you refer; she is our parlour-maid, and you are right in describing her as "this particular maid." She is most particular. It is true that men are hard to obtain for domestic employment, even ineligibles (and I am sure yours is that), but maids are, if anything, more difficult to find. My wife had no end of trouble in procuring this parlour-maid, and she is a treasure whom we do not wish to lose.
I have been aware for some time that she is engaged in the pleasurable occupation of what is known as keeping company with your factotum, but thought it wise not to interfere.
It is still in the air, as one might say, that you are engaged in experimental chemical work for the Government, and I should have thought, and hoped, that this would occupy your mind to the exclusion of such trivial affairs as servants' love-making.
Yours sincerely, HENRY J. FORDYCE.
Petherton quickly countered with:--
SIR--I am sorry that I should have appealed to you in vain. It is not a pleasure to write to you, and it is positively distasteful to have to read your absurd letters in reply. I passed George in the village this evening with his arm round your parlour-maid's waist. I was absolutely disgusted, and must emphatically protest against such familiarity even among the minor members of our households.
Faithfully yours, FREDERICK PETHERTON.
Joyously I rushed to respond:--
DEAR PETHERTON,--Your letters, on the contrary, are a positive delight to me. One of the reasons why I should not like to interfere is the feeling that it might put an end to our correspondence.
Personally I cannot visualize the spectacle of similar familiarity between any of the major members of our respective households.
I myself passed your man this evening as I was on my way to the Vicarage, and at the moment he was in mild dalliance with our housemaid. I say mild because they were only arm-in-arm. On my return about an hour later I passed George again, and it is true that this time he was with our parlour-maid, and had his arm round her waist as you describe.
There is no doubt that the young man has a penchant for my staff, but so far no Government secrets have reached my ears, and no details of your personal doings, past, present or future.
"Carry on" is the motto of the day, so why not let well alone? Were you never a young man?
Ever yours, HARRY FORDYCE.
Petherton was getting very worked-up, to judge from his reply:--
SIR,--I disapprove of your levity. This is a serious matter to me. On your own showing George's behaviour is scandalous, and although I should scarcely expect you to look at the matter in its proper light I should have