Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 6

ought to be admitted to this kind of thing. One is always reading in the paper that the sound commonsense or the traditional sense of fair play of the great British public will support the miners in any just claim; but this claim is not just or just isn't, or something of that sort. But how do they know what the great British public will feel about it? They aren't there, are they? There ought to be representatives of the G.B.P. on all these conferences. They ought to be chosen from a rota, like jurymen. Very likely one of them would have found out what a datum line is, anyway. There's a man who comes up in the train with me in the morning who thinks he knows, but unfortunately he gets out at Croydon so we haven't found out yet.
By having a lot more conferences and having a lot of representatives from the public on them all, and paying them well for it, one could practically settle the unemployment problem for the winter. If the Government can only be brought to see that this is the only statesmanlike course, and the sole course consistent with the Anglo-Saxon sense of justice, and capable of leading to a satisfactory Exploration of Avenues, Finding of Bridges and Discovery of Ways Out, we may all achieve our life's ambition some day and open the morning paper to find that we are being read at last from left to right. "Mr. ROBERT WILLIAMS, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, Mr. J. H. THOMAS, Lord RIDDELL," and so on and so on, till you come at last to "J. Smith, Esq., R.B.P.," smiling the widest of all. R.B.P.'s, I think, should wear a distinguishing mark--a single spat perhaps. EVOE.
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MORE SECRET HISTORY.
[According to a report in a daily paper, at the recent Peace Conference held at Spa, where the delegates were royally entertained in the matter of hotel accommodation, meals, etc., the cigar bill (which has been sent in to the League of Nations and sent out again) amounted to three thousand two hundred pounds. What the delegates could not smoke they seem to have taken away with them.]
'TIS sweet in darkish times like these to see a Rent in the veil which keeps the public blind, And thus obtain a pretty shrewd idea Of what goes on behind;
To note how quite an innocent report'll Reveal apparent trifles which befall, Proving that men whom we supposed immortal Are human after all.
But here, while I can hardly call you blameful For smoking "free" cigars with so much zest, Frankly I feel 'twas little short of shameful To go and pinch the rest.
I can forgive your huge hotel expenses; Your beef was rightly of a super-cut; A modicum of wine does whet the senses; But those cigars--tut, tut!
For there's a finer aid to meditation, Much more appropriate, in my humble view, When Nation nestles cheek by jowl with Nation, And far, far cheaper too.
So, if you'd really slay Bellona's bow-wows, Might I suggest your vicious ways should cease, And that in future you conduct your pow-wows Over the pipe of peace.
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An Affectionate Diminutive.
"Lord Buxton, who retired this summer from the post of High Commissioner and Governor-General of South Africa, has been made an early."--Daily Paper.
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A correspondent, referring to Mr. Punch's quotation (from an Australian paper) of the title of a song, "It was a Lover and His Last," suggests "Ne suitor ultra crepidam."
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On the coal strike:--
"We look to the Government to keep all doors open. We look to the public to keep cool."--Westminster Gazette.
The public should have no difficulty in doing its part if the Government do theirs.
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[Illustration:
TRANSPORT: PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE.]
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[Illustration: Giles. "I DIDN'T 'ARDLY AGREE WI' THE VICAR IN WOT 'E SAID ABOUT THEM EARLY MARTYRS BEIN' THROWN TO THE LIONS AN' BURNT AT THE STAKE AN' LIVIN' ON FOR EVER."
Curate. "WHY NOT?"
Giles. "WELL, ZUR, NO CONSTITOOTION COULD STAND IT."]
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THE CONSPIRATORS.
V.
MY DEAR CHARLES,--Let me remind you that the Bolshevist conspirator has to stir up conflagrations in other countries without leaving his own. Passports and things are put in to make it more difficult when he comes to getting his inflammable material and directions for use over the frontier. So he has to invent a way over the obstacles.
The first prize is awarded to the following: Secret instructions are printed in Arabic and the pages containing them are bound up in a five hundred page book in that language. The courier, an Oriental, carries this book openly in his hand when he presents himself at the frontier. It is ten to one that an innocent-looking book, thus carried, will not be suspected;