Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 8

and the latter said he wasn't feeling at all well. The way Ross's Mr. Brown had licked his thumb and the lightning speed with which he had turned up exactly the right correspondence, office minute or Routine Order, had nearly given the Major heart disease. Besides, he'd lost the argument. "I was too heavily handicapped from the start," said he, "by not being in a position to lick my thumb or to stick my pencil behind my ear."
It was a good idea to introduce the Major and Mr. Brown, wasn't it, Charles? The Major says he was the first to suggest it, and Ross is careful to leave the credit with the Major, because he is sure that the idea really originated in the fertile and masterful brain of his Mr. Brown.
Yours ever,
HENRY.
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[Illustration: MISS DAISY DIMPLE, THE REVUE FAVOURITE, SELLS FLAGS.]
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ANOTHER IMPENDING APOLOGY.
From a South African Parish Magazine:--
"Many thanks to the Rev. ---- and the Rev. ---- for coming to St. ---- during the past month. The Rector went off to Clifton and Park Town, and enjoyed the change almost as much as the congregation."
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"A bird flew into Willesden Court yesterday and perched above the magistrate's head.
"Alderman Pinkham: 'It's not often we 'get the bird' on the bench.'"
But the "Beak" is there all the time.
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[Illustration: THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS: LATEST INVERSION.
{CONSERVATISM, LIBERALISM, LABOUR.} "DON'T FORGET, DEAR LADY, WHEN THE TIME COMES, THAT IT WAS I WHO GAVE YOU THE APPLE."]
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ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
_Monday, June 18th._--Arising out of the dethronement of TINO a cloud-burst of questions descended upon Lord ROBERT CECIL, who took refuge under a wide-spreading umbrella of official ignorance. Mr. LYNCH was annoyed because his question whether the Allies would oppose the foundation of a Greek Republic was dismissed as "hypothetical," but Lord ROBERT assured him that there was "nothing abusive" in the epithet. But is that so? Suppose he were to describe Mr. LYNCH as a "hypothetical statesman"?
A detailed history of a Canterbury lamb, from its purchase in New Zealand at 6-3/8_d._ a pound to its sale to the British butcher at 10-1/2_d._, was given by Mr. GEORGE ROBERTS. He threw no light, however, on the problem why it should double in price before reaching the consumer. This is engaging the anxious consideration of Lord RHONDDA, who declares that there is no adequate economic reason why Little Mary should have only a little lamb.
In the House of Commons as in a music-hall you can always get a laugh by referring to "the lodger." Whether the lodger, who is considered quite good enough to vote for a mere Member of Parliament, should also be allowed a voice in the election of really important people like town councillors was the theme of animated discussion. It ended ultimately in the lodger's favour, with the proviso that the apartments he occupies should be unfurnished. On such niceties does the British Constitution depend.
_Tuesday, June 19th._--Mr. BALFOUR received a warm welcome from all sections of the House on making his first appearance after his return from America. Even the ranks of Tuscany, on the Irish benches, could not forbear to cheer their old opponent. Besides securing American gold for his country, he has transferred some American bronze to his own complexion, and has, if anything, sharpened his faculty for skilful evasion and polite repartee by his encounters with Transatlantic journalists.
In the course of the daily catechism on the subject of air-raids Mr. MACMASTER inquired, "Why is it that Paris appears to be practically immune, while London is not?" The answer came, not from the Front Bench, but from the Chair, and was delivered in a tone so low that even the Official Reporter failed to catch it. That is a pity, because it furnishes a useful hint for Ministers. In future, when posed with futile or embarrassing questions about the War, let them follow the SPEAKER'S example, and simply say, "You must ask the KAISER!"
[Illustration: THE BETTER PART OF VALOUR.
_Sir Frederick Smith._ "WHAT'S THE GOOD OF STRUGGLING?"]
[Illustration: Literary Dame (_at bookstall_). "HAVE YOU ANY BOOKS BY THAT RISING YOUNG NOVELIST, LORD HUGH CECIL?".]
In a perfectly free division, in which Ministers and ex-Ministers were mixed up together in both Lobbies, woman's right to be registered as a Parliamentary elector was affirmed by 385 votes to 55. Some capital speeches were made on both sides, but if any of them turned a vote it was probably the cynical admission of the ATTORNEY-GENERAL that he was as much opposed to female suffrage as ever, but meant to vote for it because it was bound to come. This probably had an even greater effect upon the average Member, who is not an idealist, than the nutshell novelette in which