Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 6

about, as good as asking
for the instructions he most dreaded. And he got them, short and sharp,
as all good military instructions should be.
If I was called upon to move a busy community from one village to

another, and if the other village was discovered, upon inquiry, not to be
there, I should ask for ten to twelve months' time to do it in. The C.C.
asked for a fortnight, hoping to get ten days; he got a week. "It is now
the 31st. We should move to the new place about the 7th," said the
Highest Authority. "Let it be April 7th." Thus April 7th became
permanently and irrevocably fixed. For everybody except the C.C. and
his accomplices the thing was as good as done.
The ultimatum went forth at 10 A.M. at noon on the same day; the
period of unrest for the C.C. was well set in. Every department,
learning by instinct what was forward, forthwith discovered what it had
long suspected, its own immediate and paramount importance. Every
department appointed a representative to go round and see the C.C.
about it, another representative to write to him about it, and a third to
ring him up on the telephone, and go on ringing him up on the
telephone, about it. The only departments that kept modestly in the
background were those upon which the execution of the move fell. The
C.C., noting the queue of representatives at his front-door and the
agitation of his telephone, slipped out by the back-door, and went to
look for the workers, and, when he'd found them, he lived with them,
night and day, here, there and everywhere.
Humanity is not constituted for such close friendships. As time passed
the C.C. and his accomplices found relations becoming strained. They
said things to each other which afterwards they regretted. Meanwhile
also the departments with the paramount and immediate needs grew
bitter and restless. Only the Highest Authorities remained tranquil.
I'm told it was an A.D.C. who called attention to the difficulty of milk
supply. This was a popular suggestion; it was just the sort of difficulty
a soldier loves. In the bare and arid circumstances of the new camp
there was no milk supply. "Buy one," said the Highest Authority, and
again the thing was as good as done, except for the C.C., who had to
think out a cow, so to speak, with regard to its purchase, equipment,
transport, housing, maintenance and education. A man of infinite
variety, the arrival of the cow (in bulk) found the C.C. nonplussed. He
could not even begin to solve the food question. To him it seemed there

were only two alternatives for the beast: bully beef or ration allowance
at three francs a day in lieu of rations. The cow, he was told, was
entitled and likely to refuse both.
We all crowded round the C.C. to help. "As to a simple matter like
food," said A. and Q., "the Lord will provide. But as to the more
difficult and complicated matters of establishment we will issue your
orders." These ran: "Reference COW: (1) This unit should be shown on
your Weekly Strength Return, with a statement of all casualties
affecting same. Casualties include admission to or evacuation from
hospital; change of address; marriage, and leave to the United Kingdom.
(2) To be brought on the proper establishment of H.Q., it should be
shown as 'Officer's Charger, one,' and should be trained and employed
by you as such. (3) Please report action taken, and whether by you or
by the Cow."
Even as the C.C. was contemplating this communication and
hearkening to the cow grumbling away in his front-garden, his old
regiment took occasion to march through the village and, in so doing,
added insult to injury. The regiment had a mascot; the mascot was a
goat; the goat fell out on the march and went sick. It did this in that
portion of the C.C.'s front garden which was not already occupied by
the cow, and its orders from the Colonel, who was its C.O. and had
once been the Camp Commandant's C.O., were to remain with the C.C.
and upon his charge till called for. This is all a very true story, but it's
poor rations I'll be getting from the C.C. during what remains of this
War for divulging it.
Be anything in the military world you like, Charles, from a courtly
General to a thrusting Loot in charge of some overwhelmingly
important department or other, but do not be a Camp Commandant. As
there is no terrible complication which may not occur in the life of such,
so there is no bitter irony which may not follow all. The early afternoon
of April 6th found the C.C. on the site