Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 5

left me alone with my Master Builder, you did not foresee--perhaps wish--intend, even a little, that----H'm?
Dr. Herd. That you would talk the poor man into clambering up that tower? You want to drag Me into that business now!
Hilda (teasingly). Yes, I certainly think that then you went on exactly like a troll.
Dr. Herd. (with uncontrollable emotion). HILDA, there is not a corner of me safe from you! Yes, I see now that must have been the way of it. Then I was a troll in that, too! But isn't it terrible the price I have had to pay for it? To have a wife who----. No, I shall never roll a pill again--never, never!
Hilda (lays her head on the stove, and answers as if half asleep). No more pills? Poor Doctor HERDAL!
Dr. Herd. (bitterly). No--nothing but cosy commonplace grey powders for a whole troop of children.
Hilda (lively again). Not grey powders! (Quite seriously.) I will tell you what you shall make next. Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders that will give one a real grip on the world. Powders to make everyone free and buoyant, and ready to grasp at one's own happiness, to darewhat one would. I will have you make them. I will--I will!
Dr. Herd. H'm! I am not quite sure that I clearly understand. And then the ingredients--?
Hilda. What stupid people all of you pill-doctors are, to be sure! Why, they will be poisons, of course!
Dr. Herd. Poisons? Why in the world should they be that?
Hilda (without answering him). All the thrillingest, deadliest poisons--it is only such things that are wholesome, nowadays.
Dr. Herd. (as if caught by her enthusiasm). And I could colour them, too, by exposing them to rays cast through a prism. Oh, HILDA, how I have needed you all these years! For, you see, with her it was impossible to discuss such things. [Embraces her.
Mrs. Herd. (enters noiselessly through hall-door). I suppose, HAUSTUS, you are persuading Miss WANGEL to start by the afternoon steamer? I have bought her a pair of curling-tongs, and a packet of hair-pins. The larger parcels are coming on presently.
Dr. Herd. (uneasily). H'm! HILDA--Miss WANGEL I should say--is kindly going to stay on a little longer, to assist me in some scientific experiments. You wouldn't understand them if I told you.
Mrs. Herd. Shouldn't I, HAUSTUS? I daresay not.
[The New Book-keeper looks through the glass-door of Dispensary.
Hilda (starts violently and points--then in a whisper). Who is that?
Dr. Herd. Only the New Book-keeper and Assistant--a very intelligent person.
Hilda (looks straight in front of her with a far-away expression, and whispers to herself). I thought at first it was.... But no--thatwould be too frightfully thrilling!
Dr. Herd. (to himself). I'm turning into a regular old troll now--but I can't help myself. After all, I am only an elderly Norwegian. We are made like that.... Rainbow powders--real rainbow powders! With HILDA.... Oh, to have the joy of life once more!
[Takes his temperature again as Curtain falls.
* * * * *
PROFESSOR WHITEWASH'S GUIDE TO HISTORY.
Question. Who was WILLIAM the Conqueror? Answer. The Managing Director of an Exploration Company composed of the most respectable shareholders.
Q. WILLIAM RUFUS, HENRY THE FIRST and RICHARD THE FIRST?
A. RUFUS, a worthy son of a worthy father; HENRY, a scholar, who strongly objected to over-cramming; and RICHARD, a mild-mannered man, who modestly shrank from canonisation.
Q. And what do you know about King JOHN?
A. That he gave to a grateful country the Magna Charta.
Q. And all the intermediate monarchs' being equally good, what have you to say about King HENRY THE EIGHTH?
A. He was a model monarch, and worthy to be the father of MARY and ELIZABETH.
Q. How about the Royal ladies you have last mentioned?
A. The first had as large a mind as the other a heart.
Q. What do you think of the STUART Family?
A. It was famed for its fidelity, trustfulness, and gratitude.
Q. Were WILLIAM and MARY, and ANNE, pleasant Monarchs?
A. Most pleasant. As witty as they were beautiful.
Q. And how about the GEORGES?
A. All that could be desired--and more. Indeed, all our monarchs have been of the most exemplary character, against whom the most scandal-loving would utter no word of complaint.
[Illustration: The Professor.]
* * * * *
THE ENGLISH-FRENCH EMBASSADORE AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE.
[Illustration]
WELL, we've bin a going on much as usual at our grand old Manshun House under our trewly liberal LORD MARE, but I ain't had nothink werry new to tell about, till a few nites ago, when we had what I can truthfully call a reel staggerer, and no mistake. It seems as it's allers the custon, when a Embassadore, who has made hisself werry poplar, is gitting jest a leetle tired of us, and begins to si for Ome sweet Ome, for the principalest Gent in London to give him sitch a grand Bankwet as he ain't never seen afore,