Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 6

he is moving out_). Marvellous strides Science has made of late, Sir! Almost incredible. I declare to _you_, while I was sitting there, I positively felt inclined to ask myself the question--
_The Irr. P._ Allow me to say, Sir, that another time, if you will obey that inclination, and put the question to yourself instead of other people, you will be a more desirable neighbour in a Telephone Room than, I confess I found you!
[_He turns on his heel, indignantly._
_The Ch. O.G._ (_to himself_). 'Strordinary what unsociable people one does come across at times! Now I 'm always ready to talk to anybody, I am--don't care who they are. Well--well-- [_He walks on, musing._
* * * * *
[Illustration: QUITE NATURAL.
_Mamma._ "ETHEL DEAR, WHY WON'T YOU SAY GOOD-BYE TO THIS GENTLEMAN? HE IS VERY KIND!"
_Ethel._ "BECAUSE, MUMMY DEAR, YOU TOLD HIM JUST NOW HE IS 'THE LION OF THE SEASON,'--AND I AM SO FRIGHTENED!"]
* * * * *
"DE PROFUNDIS."
(_BY AN INDIGNANT "OUTSIDER."_)
A masterpiece, worthy of TURNER, Was mine, there my friends all agree, No work of a pot-boiling learner, My "View on the Dee."
A place on the line I expected, Associate shortly to be! Hang me, if it isn't rejected, And marked with a D!
I will not repeat what I uttered When this was reported to me; The mere monosyllable muttered Begins with a D.
* * * * *
ON THE (POST) CARDS.
["Sir JAMES FERGUSSON does not hesitate to declare his opinion that rudeness or incivility on the part of a Post-Office servant is, next to dishonesty, one of the worst offences he can commit. This notice is not addressed to men alone. Of the young women employed by the department, there are, he says, some, if not many, whom it is impossible to acquit of inattention and levity in the discharge of their official duties. It is Sir JAMES FERGUSSON's intention to ascertain, at short intervals, the effect of this notice on the behaviour of Post-Office officials generally."--Daily Paper.]
SCENE--_Interior of a Post Office. Female Employees engaged in congenial pursuits._
_First Emp._ (_ending story_). And so she never got the bouquet, after all, and he went to Margate, without even saying good-bye.
_Second Emp._ (_her Friend_). Well, that was hard upon her!
First Member of the Public (_entering briskly and putting coppers on the counter_). Now then, three penny stamps, please!
_First Emp._ (_to her Friend_). Yes, as you say, it was hard, as of course the matter of the pic-nic was no affair of hers.
_Second Emp._ (_sympathetically_). Of course not! They are all alike, my dear!--all alike!
_First Mem. of the Pub._ (_impatiently_). Now then, three penny stamps please!
_First Emp._ Well, you are in a hurry! (_To her Friend_). And from that day to this she has never heard from him.
_Second Emp._ And it would have been so easy to drop her a postcard from Herne Bay.
_First Mem. of the Pub._ Am I to be kept waiting all day? Three penny postage-stamps, please.
_First Emp._ (_leisurely_). What do you want?
_First Mem. of the Pub._ (_angrily_). Three penny postage-stamps, and look sharp about it!
_First Emp._ (_giving stamp_). Threepence.
_First Mem. of the Pub._ (_furious_). A threepenny stamp! I want three penny stamps. Three stamps costing a penny each. See?
_First Emp._ (_with calm unconcern_). Then why didn't you say so before? (_Supplies stamps and turns to Friend._) Then MARIA of course wanted to go to Birchington.
_Second Emp._ Why Birchington? Why did she want to go to Birchington?
_First Emp._ Well--he of course was at Herne Bay.
_Second Emp._ Ah, now I begin to understand her artfulness.
_First Emp._ Ah, there you are right, my dear! She was artful!
[_Enter Second Member of the Public, covered up in cloaks and only showing the tip of his nose._
_Second Mem. of the Pub._ (_in a feeble voice_). Can you tell me, please, when the Mail starts for India?
_First Emp._ Well, the sea air is the sea air. And that reminds me, what do you think of this tobacco-pouch for--
_Second Emp._ (_archly_). For I know who! Why, you have got his initials in forget-me-nots!
_First Emp._ I think them so pretty, and they are very easy to do.
_Second Mem. of the Pub._ (_in a rather louder voice_). Can you tell me, please, when the Mail starts for India?
_Second Emp._ I must say, dear, you have the most perfect taste. Well, he will be ungrateful if he isn't charmed with them! Absolutely charmed!
_Second Mem, of the Pub._ (_louder still_). Will you be so good as to say when the Mail starts for India?
_First Emp._ Oh, you are in a hurry! (_To Friend._) Yes, I took a lot of trouble in getting the gold beads. There is only one place where you can get them. They don't sell them at the Stores.
_Second Mem. of the Pub._ (_in a loud tone of voice_). Again I ask you when the Mail leaves for