Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 9

that are no good for walking.
* * * * *
[Illustration: Enthusiastic Lady (at Musical At Home). "DO YOU
REMEMBER WHAT THIS TUNE IS OUT OF, DOCTOR? USED TO
BE ALL THE RAGE WHEN WE WERE IN OUR 'TEENS.
TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM--TUM?"
Eminent Dyspepsia Specialist. "THE WORDS ARE FAMILIAR."]
* * * * *
THE SECOND TIME OF ASKING.
(The advancing price of rice has occupied much space in the papers of
late.)
Maud, when you turned me down (a year to-morrow), Bidding me rise
from off my suppliant knee, And, while regretful if you caused me

sorrow, Murmured, "Sebastian, it can never be," I did not lay aside my
fond ambition; I told myself, in spite of what occurred, "This is her
lunch or three o'clock edition, And not her final word."
I merely marvelled at your eccentricity, Feeling convinced amid my
blank amaze That, though you might "absent you from felicity
Awhile," 'twas but a temporary phase; Convinced the mood impelling
you to stifle The aspirations that I'd dared outline Was simply due to
some extraneous trifle, Not any flaw of mine.
A chill or toothache might have vexed you greatly; Perhaps you had a
corn inclined to shoot, Or possibly the sugar shortage lately Had proved
itself abnormally acute; In short, I felt that, though unkindly treated, A
happier time to me would surely come, When my request (impassioned)
would be greeted With no down-pointing thumb.
Maud, it occurs to me you shunned a marriage Because that function,
otherwise "quite nice," Involved the facing of a friendly "barrage"
Mainly composed of valedictory rice, Stinging the cheek and nestling
in the clothing; If that was so, I share the feeling, sweet; For rice in
puddings I've no special loathing, But I detest it neat.
If such your reason was, there 's no material Objection to our union
to-day; No risk remains of that offensive cereal Being employed in
such a reckless way; You can say "Yes" without one apprehensive
Thought that your brother is, a deadly shot; Rice as a missile now is too
expensive. Anything doing--what?
* * * * *
"According to a Paris report, an Anglo-British force of 50,000 are on
their way to occupy Constantinople."--Daily Paper.
It is, no doubt, the peculiar composition of this force that has aroused
the apprehensions of French chauvinists.
* * * * *

"Denikin's troops are fleeing partly in steamers, partly along the coast,
leaving a large booby." "Planters and Commercial Gazette"
(Mauritius).
"A Bolshevist wireless says the Reds captured Tagonrog, Denikin's
former headquarters, taking a huge booby."--Same Paper.
The booby prize has apparently been awarded to the Reds, but we feel
that our contemporary might have put in a claim.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FORGOTTEN CAUSE.
MAN IN THE STREET. "WELL, IF THE OTHER ALLIES SAY SO
TOO, THERE MUST BE SOMETHING IN IT. BUT I ALWAYS
UNDERSTOOD THE GOVERNMENT WAS TO BLAME FOR
EVERYTHING."]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
Monday, March 8th.--I should hesitate to call Sir HAMAR
GREENWOOD the Pooh-Bah of the Ministry, though he has
something of that worthy's sublime self-confidence and his capacity for
taking any number of posts. The House, which knows him both as
Under-Secretary for Foreign Affairs and Secretary to the Overseas
Trade Department of the Board of Trade, was surprised to hear him
answering questions relating to the nascent oil-wells in the United
Kingdom, and to learn that he had become "Minister for Petroleum
Affairs." But there the likeness ceases to be exact. Pooh Bah's interest
was in palm-oil.
[Illustration: CARRYING ON.
MR. NEAL CADDIES FOR SIR ERIC GEDDES.]
A few days ago the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER

facetiously compared the critics of the Government to the poet of
Rejected Addresses who declared that it was BUONAPARTE "who
makes the quartern loaf and Luddites rise." Out of the Government's
own mouth the critics are now, at any rate, partially justified, for the
PRIME MINISTER announced that the bread subsidy was to be halved,
and that on and after April 12th the quartern loaf would rise--he did not
quite know where.
In view of the occasional rumours of friction between Government
departments it is pleasant to record that the Ministry of Transport and
the War Office are on the friendliest terms. Invited to abolish, in the
interests of the taxpayer, the cheap railway tickets now issued to
soldiers, Mr. NEAL said it was primarily a question for the War Office,
as in this matter Sir ERIC GEDDES would wish to move in harmony
with Mr. CHURCHILL. As the WAR SECRETARY promptly
announced his intention of doing his best to maintain the soldiers'
privilege it is conjectured that he will return from the ride with Sir
ERIC inside.
The new Member for Paisley delivered his maiden speech to-night, and