Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 5

as all office-boys are William. Miss Pether arrives with her pad and pencil and glides swiftly and noiselessly to her seat and looks up with a face in which mingle eagerness, intelligence, loyalty and knowledge of her attainments.
"_To Messrs. Promises & Brake_, says the business man,--_Gentlemen comma the pipes at my house were not properly mended by your man yesterday comma and there is still a leakage comma which is causing both damage and inconvenience full stop Please let me have comma in reply to this comma an assurance that someone shall be sent round at once dash in a taxi comma if necessary full stop. If such an assurance cannot be given comma I shall call in another firm and refuse to pay your account full stop. Since the new trouble is due to your employee's own negligence comma I look to you to give this job priority over all others full stop. My messenger waits full stop. I am comma yours faithfully comma._ Let me have it at once and tell the boy to get a taxi."
II.
None of the plumbers sent any men.
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[Illustration: THE BROTHERS TINGO, WHO ARE EXEMPTED FROM MILITARY SERVICE, DO THEIR BIT BY HELPING TO TRAIN LADIES WHO ARE GOING ON THE LAND.]
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"In some courts the carrying of matches has been regarded as a light offence, but this will not be the case in future."--_Irish Times._
We note the implied rebuke to the jester on the Bench.
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SONGS OF FOOD-PRODUCTION.
II.
Mustard-and-Cress in Mayfair, Belgravia's Winter Greens; None so nicely as they fare Save Cox's Kidney Beans; Mustard-and-Cress in boxes, Greens in the jardini��re, And a trellis of Beans at Cox's, Facing Trafalgar Square.
Lady Biffington's daughters Are mulching the Greens with Clay; Lady Smiffington waters The Mustard-and-Cress all day; And Cox's cashiers (those oners!) Are feeling extremely rash, For they're pinching the tips of the Runners As they never would pinch your cash.
Mighty is Mayfair's Mustard, The Cress is hardy and hale; Belgravia's housemaids dust hard To keep the dust from the Kale; But Cox's cashiers look solemn, For their Beans (which sell by the sack) Would cover the Nelson Column If they didn't keep pinching them back.
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"WEATHER AT HEALTH RESORTS.
Temp. Sunshine. Max. Min. Weather. Felixstowe 0.0 22 29 Some snow."
_Morning Paper._
And some thermometer.
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PETHERTON'S DONKEY;
OR, PATRIOTISM AND PUBLICITY.
I hadn't had a letter-writing bout with Petherton for some time, and, feeling in need of a little relaxation, I seized the opportunity afforded by Petherton's installing a very noisy donkey in his paddock adjoining my garden, and wrote to him as follows:--
DEAR MR. PETHERTON,--I do not like making complaints against a neighbour, as you know, but the new tenant of your field does not seem to argue a good selection on your part, unless his braying has a more soothing effect on you than it has on me.
Yours sincerely, HARRY J. FORDYCE.
I was evidently in luck, as I drew Petherton's literary fire at once.
SIR (he wrote),--I should have thought that you would have been the last person in the world to object to this particular noise. Allow me to inform you that I purchased the donkey for several family and personal reasons which cannot possibly concern you.
Faithfully yours, FREDERICK PETHERTON.
I translated this letter rather freely for my own ends, and replied:--
DEAR PETHERTON,--I apologise. I had no idea that the animal was in any way connected with your family. If it is a poor relation I must say you are fortunate in being able to fob him (or should it be her?) off so easily, as he (or she) appears to live a life of comparative luxury, at little cost, I should imagine, to yourself. I shall be glad to know whether the animal, in exercising its extraordinary vocal powers, is calling for his (or her) mate, or merely showing off for the amusement of your fascinating poultry who share its pleasaunce.
Can't you possibly fit the brute with a silencer, as the noise it makes is disturbing, especially to me, my study window being very close to the hedge?
Yours sincerely, HARRY FORDYCE.
P.S.--I am thinking of laying down a bed of poisoned carrots for early use. Perhaps with your chemical knowledge you can suggest an effective top-dressing for them.
Petherton rose to the bait and wrote--the same night--as follows:--
SIR,--In your unfortunate correspondence with me you have always shown yourself better at rudeness than repartee. Did you not learn at school the weakness of the tu quoque line of argument? You speak of your study window being near my field. The name "study" suggests literary efforts. Is it in your case merely a room devoted to the penning of senseless and impertinent letters to unoffending neighbours, who have something better to do than waste their