Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 5

TREE sends the following message:--"Am busy rehearsing _He Stoops
to Cinema; or, The Mistakes of a Knight_."
* * * * *
[Illustration: UNPLEASANT NIGHTMARE OF HANS, THE
EX-CINEMA ATTENDANT, AFTER LEARNING OF THE
AMERICAN DECLARATION OF WAR.]
* * * * *
FOOD CONTROL.
There is no truth in the rumour that there is to be a "sauceless" day for
our Post-Office employees.

* * * * *
"The Craven Stakes of 500 sobs."--Evening News (_Portsmouth_).
Horse-racing in war-time is rather a sorry business.
* * * * *
"A lady giving up her electromobile, on account of the war, which is in
good running order...."--_Pall Mall Gazette._
We are glad to have this confirmation of reports from General
Headquarters.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Skinner._ "WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THE
RATIONING?"
_Podmore._ "OH, WHEN MEALTIME COMES I TIGHTEN MY
BELT."
_Skinner._ "FROM THE OUTSIDE OR THE INSIDE?"]
* * * * *
FROM A FULL HEART.
In days of peace my fellow-men Rightly regarded me as more like A
Bishop than a Major-Gen., And nothing since has made me warlike;
But when this age-long struggle ends And I have seen the Allies dish
up The goose of HINDENBURG--oh, friends! I shall out-bish the
mildest Bishop.
_When the War is over and the KAISER's out of print,_ _I'm going to
buy some tortoises and watch the beggars sprint;_ _When the War is
over and the sword at last we sheathe,_ _I'm going to keep a jelly-fish
and listen to it breathe._

I never really longed for gore, And any taste for red corpuscles That
lingered with me left before The German troops had entered Brussels.
In early days the Colonel's "'Shun!" Froze me; and, as the War grew
older, The noise of someone else's gun Left me considerably colder.
_When the War is over and the battle has been won,_ _I'm going to buy
a barnacle and take it for a run;_ _When the War is over and the
German Fleet we sink,_ _I'm going to keep a silk-worm's egg and listen
to it think._
The Captains and the Kings depart-- It may be so, but not lieutenants;
Dawn after weary dawn I start The never-ending round of penance;
One rock amid the welter stands On which my gaze is fixed intently--
An after-life in quiet lands Lived very lazily and gently.
_When the War is over and we've done the Belgians proud,_ _I'm
going to keep a chrysalis and read to it aloud;_ _When the War is over
and we've finished up the show,_ _I'm going to plant a lemon-pip and
listen to it grow._
Oh, I'm tired of the noise and the turmoil of battle, And I'm even upset
by the lowing of cattle, And the clang of the bluebells is death to my
liver, And the roar of the dandelion gives me a shiver, And a glacier, in
movement, is much too exciting, And I'm nervous, when standing on
one, of alighting-- Give me Peace; that is all, that is all that I seek ...
Say, starting on Saturday week.
A.A.M.
* * * * *
THINGS THAT MATTER IN WAR-TIME.
"Among the audience the Duchess of ----'s slim height and long neck,
swathed in sables, stood out."--_Evening Standard._
"Mrs. ---- was looking beautiful in a bottle-green suiting, collared with
skunk, but a little thin, I thought."--_Daily Sketch._

* * * * *
"King Albert of Belgium made a long aeroplane flight, under fire, over
the fighting front.... German anti-aircraft guns kept up a sustained fire,
but no German airman ventured in the way of the King's aeog
rogartb-habtheb habtheb habtha aeroplane."--_Vancouver Daily
Province._
It is rumoured that the Air Board has already ordered a number of
machines of the new type.
* * * * *
THE WATCH DOGS.
LX.
My dear CHARLES,--Those who insist that between the Higher
Commands on either side there is a tacit understanding not to disregard
each other's personal comfort and welfare must now modify their views.
Recent movements show that there is no such bargain, or else that the
lawless Hun has broken it. He has attained little else by his
destructiveness save the discomfort of H.Q. Otherwise the War
progresses as merrily as ever; more merrily, perhaps, owing to the
difficulties to be overcome. Soldiers love difficulties to overcome. That
is their business in life.
It was open to the Camp Commandant, when it became likely that H.Q.
would move, to go sick, to retire from business, or else, locking, his
front- door, shutting his shutters, disconnecting his telephone and
confining to their billets all potential bearers of urgent messages, to
isolate himself from the throbbing world around him. Being a soldier
himself, however, he was undone by his own innate lust for
overcoming difficulties. He was seen hovering