Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 2

***
We also learn that he is once more on speaking terms with Count
REVENTLOW. He told the COUNT, the other day, "to mind his own
business."
***

There were 1,084,289 visitors to the London Zoological Gardens last
year. It is worthy of note that not one of them was accepted.
***
A wood-pigeon shot at Heytesbury was found to have in its crop
sixty-five grains of corn--enough to produce half a sack of wheat. In
fairness to the bird it is only right to say that it was not aware of this.
***
Mr. BRACE has lately introduced a Bill in the House to reduce the
number of jurors at inquests. A further improvement would be to repeal
the old technicality which makes it illegal for a man to give evidence at
his own inquest.
***
"I met the prisoner twenty years ago," said a witness in a Northern
police court last week, "and I well remember his face." It is better to
have that sort of memory than that sort of face.
***
At a rally of five hundred boy scouts of London, Wolf Cubs greeted
Cardinal BOURNE with the "Great Howl." It is not known in what way
the CARDINAL had offended the young Cubs.
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Under the new order the police will not have power to enter the
premises of persons suspected of food hoarding. Cooks who in the past
have been in the habit of hoarding cold rabbit pie will have to be dealt
with in other ways.
***
According to a Billingsgate fish merchant kippers are daily increasing
in price. It is, of course, too much to hope that they will ever become so

dear as to prohibit their use among comedians on the music-hall stage.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "WHAT MAKES YOUR HUSBAND SO CROSS
THESE TIMES?"
"HE KEEPS FRETTING DREADFUL BECAUSE HE'S OVER THE
AGE AND SO HE CAN'T BE A CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTOR."]
* * * * *
THE POTSDAM ALTRUIST.
[The Frankfurter Zeitung protests against the idea that "the KAISER in
Germany's gravest times allows anxiety about himself or his dynasty to
have access to his thoughts."]
Among the penalties imposed on Kings Who govern absolutely by
divine right, I am no more affected by the things That Socialists and
other dirty swine write Than when a pin is thrust Into a pachyderm's
indifferent crust.
But now I deign to answer, even I, The vilest yet of these revolting
sallies, Where they allege that when our German sky Rocks to the air of
"_Deutschland über alles_," "_Und Ich,_" I add (aside), "_Ich über
Deutschland!_" There the blighters lied.
I'm not like that. I never use the first Personal pronoun, like the
Monarch LOUIS, Who said (in French--a tongue I deem accurst),
"_L'etat, c'est moi._" My conscience, clear and dewy, Tells me that, as
a Kaiser, I am a very poor self-advertiser.
This is a feature of our dynasty; And no historian who has ever studied
The traits peculiar to the family tree On which the Hohenzollern genus
budded In all that noble list Has come across a single egoist.
They loved their people better than their throne; Lightly they sat on it,
dispensing Freedom; They never said, "Your souls are not your own,

But simply there in case your King should need 'em;" They would have
thought it odd To want to be regarded as a god.
Thus have I served my land; and if a wave Of lurid revolution
overswept her, And I, her loyal and obedient slave, Were called upon to
down my orb and sceptre, That grace I'd freely do, And so, I'm sure,
would LITTLE WILLIE too.
O.S.
* * * * *
GEMS FROM THE JUNIORS.
The following articles have been written by a little band of patriots who,
without any hope of gain or self-aggrandisement, have poured forth of
their store of wisdom and experience for the instruction, comfort and
encouragement of their fellow-countrymen:--
THE BRITISH NAVY.
We are all very proud of the Navy. It is the largest in the world and all
the men in it are very brave, and kind too I expeck. ALFRED THE
GREAT invented it hundreds of years ago so it has had a long time to
practis in. When a sailer wants to say yes he says Ay, ay, sir, not offen
mum because the captain is always a man. Perhaps some day he wont
be. I have got an uncle who is a captain in the Navy. He says that in the
olden days sailers had such bad food that it walked about and if it was
up the other end of the table you ony had to whissel and it came down
your end dubble quick. But I don't know if that is true. Anyhow
everything is