Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 9

Lord HUGH CECIL lightly outlined the possible future of the female politician.
_Wednesday, June 20th._--Military metaphors come naturally to the Duke of MARLBOROUGH. Yet I cannot think he was happily inspired when, in reminding the farmers of their duty to put more land under the plough, he compared the compulsory powers of the Board of Agriculture to a sword in its scabbard, and hoped there would be no necessity to rattle it. Everybody knows that the sword in question is a converted ploughshare, and that it rests with the War Office to turn it back again.
Last night fifty-five Members resisted Votes for Women. By this afternoon twenty-five of them had so far changed their minds as to protest against the limitation of the privilege to women over thirty. Major ROWLAND HUNT, convinced that women would soon vote themselves into the House, expressed a na?ve preference for "young 'uns."
_Thursday, June 21st._--During Sir EDWARD GREY'S long tenure of the Foreign Secretaryship he rarely visited the House of Commons more than twice a week. Until his voyage to the United States, Mr. BALFOUR was even less attentive to his Parliamentary duties and left most of the "donkey-work"-- if one may so describe the business of answering the questions of curious Members--to Lord ROBERT CECIL. Since his return Mr. BALFOUR has developed a new zest for this pastime, and to-day for the third time in succession appeared in his place. Everybody is pleased to see him there, except perhaps the curious Members aforesaid, who find him even more chary of information than his deputy. Had not the PRESIDENT of the United States said something about Alsace-Lorraine? ventured Corporal LEES-SMITH. Mr. BALFOUR, fresh from the White House, blandly replied, "I do not propose to discuss President WILSON'S Notes."
The notion, prevalent at the beginning of the War, that every German waiter was an emissary of the KAISER, only awaiting "The Day" when he should return to take a full revenge for meagre gratuities, still subsists in certain minds. Mr. BROOKES was manifestly disappointed when Dr. MACNAMARA assured him that the aeronaut captured in the recent raid was not, as he supposed, one of these returned Ganymedes, but was making his first appearance on English soil.
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"A small fire at a variety theatre burnt some dresses all up, but the revue went on as usual."--_Berrow's Worcester Journal._
No need to worry over little things like that.
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[Illustration: _Long-suffering Sergeant._ "WE GOT ANOTHER ARF-HOUR TO GO YET. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YER."
Rookie (_suggestively_). "THERE'S SOME TREES OVER THERE, SERGEANT."
_Sergeant._ "YES, I KNOW. BUT THERE AIN'T ANY ROPES."]
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TO FIELD-MARSHAL SIR DOUGLAS HAIG.
JUNE 19TH, 1917.
Sir, though in dealing with the strong and straight Of sentiment one cannot be too thrifty, Still, after reading your despatch--the date Chimes with your birthday, _?tat_ six-and-fifty-- A humble rhymer, though denied by fate Possession of the high poetic "giftie," May yet express the hope it won't displease you To see yourself as one plain person sees you.
Some call you cold, because you are not prone To bursts of eloquence or flights of feeling; You do not emulate the fretful tone Of those who turn from boastfulness to squealing; Your temperament, I am obliged to own, Is not expansive, Celtic, self-revealing; But some of us admire you none the less For your laconic simple truthfulness.
No doubt you would provide far better "copy" To the industrious drivers of the quill If you were more emotional and sloppy, More richly dowered with journalistic skill; To make despatches blossom like the poppy You never have essayed and never will; In short, you couldn't earn a pound a week As a reporter on The Daily Shriek.
Frugal in speech, yet more than once impelled To utter words of confidence and cheer, Whereat some dismal publicists rebelled As premature, ill-founded, insincere-- Words none the less triumphantly upheld By Victory's verdict, resonantly clear, Words that inspired misgiving in the foe Because you do not prophesy--you _know_;
Steadfast and calm, unmoved by blame or praise, By local checks or Fortune's strange caprices, You dedicate laborious nights and days To shattering the Hun machine to pieces; And howsoe'er at times the battle sways The Army's trust in your command increases; Patient in preparation, swift in deed, We find in you the leader that we need.
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"The temperature in Berlin yesterday was 131 degrees Centigrade, which is the highest temperature since 1848."--_Daily Dispatch._
Equal to about 268 degrees Fahr. and quite hot enough to keep the Imperial Potsdam boiling.
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"A correspondent who knows a great deal about the coat trade says there is going to be great difficulty in obtaining coal during the coming winter."--_Torquay Times._
This will confirm the belief that the shortage of fuel is not unassociated with the