Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 5

the very end Mr. --er was a tiger and I was a little small boy, and he jumped on me out of the bushes and knocked me down in the mud" [O Betty! O unjust sailor!], "and Miss Watt came in as I was changing my things. It was splendid, wasn't it--Reggie?"
_Per ardua ad astra._ I had won my promotion to the commissioned ranks of the Christian names.
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WIMMIN.
Behind wi' the sowin', An' rent-day to meet, For first time o' knowin' John Buckham was beat; Torpedoed an' swimmin' An' fairly done in, When someone said, "Wimmin Would suit ye at Lynn."
Dal Midwood, at Mutcham, Who runs by old rules, Said, "John, don't 'ee touch em-- A pa'sel o' fules Aye dabbin' an' trimmin' Wi' powder an' pin; No, don't 'ee have wimmin, John Buckham, at Lynn."
Well, back wi' the sowin', An' rent-day to meet, I had to get goin' Or own I were beat. The banks needed trimmin'; The roots wasn't in; 'Twas either take wimmin Or walk out o' Lynn.
They came. They was pretty An' white o' the hand, But good-heart an' gritty An' chockful o' sand; Wi' energy brimmin' Right up to the chin-- An' that sort o' wimmin Was welcome at Lynn.
At ploughin' they're able, Or drainin' a fen, They'll muck out a stable As well as the men. Their praises I'm hymnin', For where would ha' bin, If it weren't for the wimmin, John Buckham, at Lynn?
W.H.O.
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[Illustration: _Mrs Green. to Mrs. Jones_ (_who is gazing at an aeroplane_). "MY WORD! I SHOULDN'T CARE FOR ONE OF THEM FLYING THINGS TO SETTLE ON ME."]
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"The Cairo Governorate has engaged white-washers to whiten plate-forms of points from which streets branch which will be compelled by the end of next week, before the commencement of the gaz lanterns decrease take place."--_Egyptian Gazette._
The Sphinx has been requested to furnish an explanation.
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OUR INDOMITABLES.
"THE ENGLISH GIRL.
"STANDING IN WITNESS-BOX WITHOUT A QUIVER.
"Rose ----, sixty-seven, ---- road, South Tottenham, a young girl, was a witness in a London county court when the boom of guns and detonation of bombs were heard."--_Daily Paper._
Our English girls to-day are only as old as they feel.
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"Mrs. A. Thomson writes a vigorous protest against the carelessness with which the W.F.L. resolution urging the Prime Minister to make Woman Suffrage an integral part of the Bill, was acknowledged on his behalf. The acknowledgment was as follows:--
"'I am directed by the Prime Minister to acknowledge the receipt of the resolution which you have forwarded on the subject of the formation of a Maternity Department in the new Ministry of Health.'"--_The Vote._
But was it carelessness, or humour?
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HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
(_Herr Schultze and Herr Müller, privates in a Prussian regiment of Infantry._)
_Schultze._ Leave will soon be over now and we shall have to go back to the fighting.
_Müller._ Yes; it is not a very cheerful prospect.
_Schultze._ No; that is a very true saying. And, what is more, there seems no possible end to this War, though (_dropping his voice and looking round_) we all hate it from the bottom of our hearts.
_Müller._ Yes, we all hate it. Indeed the hatred between me and the War gets worse and worse every day. I don't care who hears me.
_Schultze._ Don't be too bold; one never knows who may be listening.
_Müller._ It is to become mad. Why did we ever let the ALL-HIGHEST MAJESTY begin such a war? We were all so comfortable, and then suddenly the Austrian ARCHDUKE gets himself murdered and, piff-paff, we Germans must go to war against Russia and France and England. I am very sorry for the ARCHDUKE, but there were other Archdukes to supply his place, and even if there had not been I do not think he himself was worth the four millions of killed, wounded and prisoners whom we have lost since the guns began to go off.
_Schultze._ It is terrible to think of. And the sausages get worse and worse, and the beer costs more and more and is not like beer at all.
_Müller._ And the English have good guns and plenty of them, and know colossally well how to use them; and they have millions of men--more than we have; and their soldiers are brave--almost as brave as our own soldiers. They have certainly won some victories, it seems.
_Schultze._ So it seems; but our Generals have not told us much about it.
_Müller._ And we all thought they had only a contemptible little army.
_Schultze._ Yes, that was what the ALL-HIGHEST said.
_Müller._ The ALL-HIGHEST has also said several times that our soldiers would be back in their homes before the leaves fell from the trees, and here are you and I doomed to go away from our homes