Punch, or the London Charivari | Page 2

those who tell us that he is always behind The Times.
* * *
We cull the following from a speech of Senator Harding: "As I note the cornfields I am reminded that we still plough the land and plant and cultivate the fields in order to grow crops." We would remind the Senator that, with the Elections drawing daily nearer, the habit of making such sweeping and unguarded statements as the above is extremely dangerous.
* * *
We advise all readers to stick to their own particular newspaper, as a sudden change might upset the "net sales" which are being so carefully compiled at the present moment.
* * *
The up-to-date song-writer, says a musical journal, must strike a sad and soulful note this season. We are already engaged in writing "The Scotsman's Farewell to his Corkscrew."
* * *
A theatrical writer informs us that The Laughing Husband will be revived this year. Not in our suburb, unless the cost of living drops considerably.
* * * * *
[Illustration: Betty. "Grandma, I Know My Twelve Times."
Grandma. "Do You, Dear? Well, What Are Twelve Times Thirteen?"
Betty. "Don't Be Silly, Grandma. There Isn't Such A Thing."]
* * * * *
"The modern Hydra, embracing innumerable adverse factors, would appear at least as many headed as the ancient, for as fast as one is more or less effectively decapitated up comes another to upset the applecart."
Financial Paper.
Classical students will, of course, remember how cleverly Hercules made use of this habit of the Hydra to secure the apples of the Hesperides.
* * * * *
THE DINING GLADIATOR;
OR, WAR TO THE KNIFE (AND FORK).
(Being further Extracts from a certain Diary.)
II.
WROTE an even better article than ever, on indigestion as a determining factor in national moral. Pointed out how important it is, if we are to think coolly, that we should eat discreetly. Sufficiently, of course, but with thought.
At the Tribunal all the afternoon, busily combing out.
To the Hippodrome in the evening. A most diverting show.
* * *
NORTHCLIFFE is becoming impossible and I must find another paper. Several of my best commas cut out of to-day's article. All reference to the necessity for immediately beheading ASQUITH omitted yesterday. Was comforted by lunch at the Carlton with DORIS KEANE, GERTIE MILLAR and SCATTERS. We had some good jokes.
* * *
The news of my resignation from The Times has set my telephone ringing all the morning with congratulations, requests for interviews and offers of employment. Also some attractive invitations to dinner and week-ends. The War for the moment seems to be forgotten. Wonderful, the power of the printed word!
* * *
My first article in The Morning Post, distributing blame and praise with my usual deadly accuracy. Wonder what poor NORTHCLIFFE is doing without me.
* * *
Received long letter from HAIG asking for instructions, which I sent by return.
Lunched at the Carlton with some charming musical-comedy actresses. To the Tribunal after. Dined at the National Sporting Club and saw a good fight.
* * *
A visit from an Italian personage of consequence, who told me that my articles are the talk of Italy. If writing could win wars, he said, my pen would have done it.
* * *
L. G. came up to Carryon Hall heavily masked. I gave him an excellent dinner and some equally good advice, and he left much heartened.
* * *
Dined at Lady RANDOLPH'S. A merry crowd there. Every one very gay and amusing; but we forgot that WINSTON was our hostess's son and castigated him badly. Lady JULIET said that with some people, no matter what they begin to talk about, even with Cabinet Ministers, it all comes back to food.
* * *
Wrote a careful article pointing out that we must have at least one hundred more divisions in the West before next Friday.
* * *
I was gratified to learn to-day that in consequence of my articles The Morning Post has doubled its circulation, while The Times hardly sells a copy.
* * *
Lunched with MASSINGHAM of The Nation, who eats more sensibly than he writes.
In Paris. Saw CLEMENCEAU at the War Ministry. His table was littered with papers and reports, amongst which he pointed out laughingly one of my articles. I can't think why he laughed. Lunched at Voisin's.
* * *
Left for rapid tour of inspection to British H.Q. Found much to put right. Issued an Order of the Day to soldiers of all ranks. The Germans, hearing of my presence, made desperate attempts to bomb me, but failed. Food at the Front not very alluring.
Yesterday's article, I learn, put the wind up the War Cabinet, and great things may result. All my pleasure spoilt, however, by breaking a tooth on a pellet in a Ritz grouse.
* * *
Visited the French H.Q. and was pleased with FOCH, whom I asked to run over to Carryon when he was ever in any doubt.