Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 4

in quite as good Inglish as ewen I coud use, as got him more applorse from the distinguisht hordiens than all the speaches maid by Her Madjesty's Ministers put together. Always xceptin the Lawyers, for they seems to have sitch a jolly good time of it, that they are allers as reddy to cause a larf as to enjoy one. We all seemed sumhow to miss the werry PRIME MINISTER--we are all so acustomd to see the werry top of the tree, that we don't quite like being put off with a mere bow, however big and himportant it may be; besides, I must confess as I do like to hear his luvly woice, ewen when I don't quite unnerstand all as he says. So I don't suppose as any one of my numerus readers will quarrel with me when I says, better luck nex time.
ROBERT.
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[Illustration: CANDID CRITICISM.
"LIKE MY NEW FROCK, AUNT JANE?"
"WELL, I SHOULD SAY YOU'D GOT SKIRTS FOR YOUR SLEEVES, AND A SLEEVE FOR YOUR SKIRT!"]
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PROOFS BEFORE LETTERS.
Humbugs will always ape their betters, Fools fancy the alphabet brings them fame; But you don't become a man of letters By tacking the letters after your name. One suffix only the fact expresses, And that's an A and a couple of S's!
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ANOTHER MEANING.--I Rantzau is the title of MASCAGNI'S new Opera. The title, anglicised, would be suitable for an old-fashioned transpontine melodramatic tragedian, who could certainly say of himself, "_I rant so!_"
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SHAKSPEARIAN CONUNDRUM.
At what time would SHAKSPEARE'S heroine of The Taming of the Shrew have been eminently fitted to be a modern Sunday-School teacher?
_Answer._ When Petruchio kissed her; because then she was _a Kattie Kiss'd_. (Hem! A Cate-chist.)
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ALL ROUND THE FAIR.
NO. I.
SCENE--_A street of Gingerbread, Sweetstuff, and Toy-stalls, "Cocoa-nut Shies," "Box-pitching Saloons," &c., forming the approach to the more festive portion of the Fair, from which proceeds a cheerful cacophony of orchestrions, barrel-organs, steam-whistles, gongs, big drums, rattles, and speaking-trumpets._
_Proprietors of Cocoa-nut Shies._ Now, then, play up all o' you--ar-har! There goes another on 'em! _That's_ the way to 'it 'em--win all yer like, &c.
A Rival Proprietor (_pointing to his target, through the centre of which his partner's head is protruded_). Look at that! Ain't that better nor any coker-nut? Every time you 'it my mate's 'ed, you git a good cigar! (_As the by-standers hang back, from motives of humanity._) 'Ere, _'ave_ a go at 'im, some o' you--give 'im a little encouragement!
The Head (_plaintively_). Don't neglect a man as is doing his best to please yer, gen'l'men! (_A soft-hearted Bystander takes a shot at him, out of sheer compassion, and misses._) Try agen, Sir. I ain't 'ere to be idle!
A Sharp Little Girl (_presiding over a sloping Chinese Billiard-board_). Now, my dears--(_To a group of boys, of about her own age_)--'ave what yer like. A penny a pull, and a prize every time! Wherever the marble rolls, you 'ave any one article on the board!
[Illustration: "Now then, play up, all o' yea--ar-har!"]
[_One of the boys pays a penny, and pulls a handle, propelling a marble, which, after striking a bell at the top of the slope, wobbles down into a compartment._
The Boy (_indicating a gorgeous china ornament on the board_). I'll 'ave one o' them--to take 'ome to mother.
_The S.L.G._ (_with pitying superiority_). No, my boy, you can go to a shop and buy one o' them for sixpence if you like--but 'ere you must 'ave what you git!
[_She awards him a very dingy lead-pencil, with which he departs, abashed, and evidently revolving her dark saying in his perplexed mind._
_Proprietor of a Box-pitching Saloon._ One penny a ball! For hevery ball that goes in the boxes, you choose any prize you like! (_With sorrow and sympathy, to a female Competitor._) Too 'ard, Lady, too _'ard_! (_To a male Comp., whose ball has struck the edge of the box, and bounced off._) Very near, Sir!
[_Several Competitors expend penny after penny unsuccessfully, and walk away, with a grin of entire satisfaction._
Joe (_landing a ball in one of the boxes, after four failures_). I told 'ee I'd get waun in! (_To his Young Woman._) What are ye goin' to 'ave, MELIA?
Melia (_hovering undecidedly over a glittering array of shell-boxes, cheap photograph-albums and crockery_). I'll take one o'--no, I won't neither.... I really don't know what to 'ave!
Joe (_with masculine impatience_). Well, go on--take summat, can't ye! (_MELIA selects a cup and saucer, as the simplest solution of the problem._) I doan't carl that mooch of a show for fippence, I doan't. Theer, gi' us 'old on it. [_He stows the china away in his side-pockets._
_Melia._ You took an' 'urried me so--else I don't know as I fancied a cup and sarcer