Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 3

some say, a-prowl Like that Stymphalian flock, With iron claws
and brazen beak, Intent to clutch and collar, Fired with devotion strong,
yet weak, To the Almighty Dollar.
Pooh! Plunder's not his only joy. He hovered till he saw "A
something-pottle-bodied boy," Who spurned MCKINLEY'S Law. He
stooped and clutched him, fair and good, Flew nigh o'er roof and
casement, Whilst the Republicans all stood Agape in sheer amazement.
He soars with proudly swelling crest And followed with acclaims, A
cause of wonder in the West, And crowing by the Thames. For England,
glorying in the sight, Greets Boy and Bird together; Whilst watching
with serene delight That big, black, falling feather!
* * * * *
ROBERT ON LORD MARE'S DAY.

The most ewentfoollest day of the hole year broke, as the poets says,
without almost not no fog, on Wensday larst, to my grate serprise and
joy; but noing, from long xperiens, how unsertain is whether at this
orful seasun of the year, I took jest one leetel glass of hold brandy
before setting out on my arjus dootys. I was encurraged to do so also by
the horful rumers as was spread about, weeks afore, as to threttend
atacks on the sacred Show by some disapinted prottestens, I think they
called theirselves, as hadn't bin inwited to the Bankwet, and so meant to
prottest accordingly.
But I needn't a bin alarmd, for the most respekful mob as filled the
streets was as quiet as mice, havin heard, I'm told, as how as the
Copperashun had had the lectric light turned on at Gildhall, by which
means, of course, they coud comunicate with any-wheres, and so know
where to send an hole army of Waiters to, well fortyfide, and armed to
the teeth with a splendid Lunch, to help the pore Perlice in their arjus
dootys.
From wot I seed of the butifool Sho, I shood give the cake to the
Frute-Makers' splendid Car, all covered with the most butifool Frute,
all made, too, in England, as it trewthfoolly said on both sides of the
high-backed Car. The second plaice I shood give to the numerus
butifool young Ladys, with most butifool flaxin air, all most bisily
ingaged in a twistlin and a twiddlin of luvly gold and silver wire, on a
Car belongin to the Makers of Gold and Silver Wire Drorers, wich I
heard a most respectfool carpenter declare, must, he thort, be most
uncomferal to wear. With that good fortun as allers atends the Hed
Waiter, I seem to have atracted the notis of one of the most butifool of
the young Ladys afoursaid, for she acshally tossed me a luvly littel bit
of reel golden wire, which I shall trezure nex my art for years, if so be
as how it don't skratch.
The grand Bankwet, with its nine hunderd Gestes, was as ushal, about
the grandest thing of the kind as the world has ever seen, but sumhows
it struck me as the gents was much more impashent for their wittles
than they ushally is. At my pertickler tabel, the two gents at the top was
that trubblesum about the reel Turtel-soup as I ain't a tall accumstumed
to, and I amost poured a hole ladel-full down the fine shirt-front of one
of em; and then, trying at the next help to awoid him, I sent my helbow
full into the face of the other, and a pretty fuss he made, you bet, and

acshally torked of sending for the souperintendent, ewidently not
knowing who I was.
The same himpashent Gent amost worried my life out arterwards, and
all about a glass of plane water as he called it, and when I told him as I
didn't think as we hadn't not none in the plaice, but I coud get him a
bottel of amost any kind of Shampane as he liked to name; he again
said as he wood call for the souperintendent. So in course I had to go
for some, and a preshus long time it took me to get it; the wine-steward
naterally sayin as he never before herd of sich a order on sich a ocasion,
and he had only one bottel with him, and when I took it to the
himpashent Gent, and told him so, he fairly roared with larfter, and told
it all round as a capital joke! I wunders where the joke was.
When the dinner was over and the speaches began, I got permishun to
stand unner the gallery for to hear them; but strange to tell, not a word
coud I hear, and them as I did hear I coudn't unnerstand. So I began for
to fear as crewel age was a tarnishing of my 'earrings, so I moved to the
other end of