Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 5

another peephole._) Girl looking at skeleton. Any other
domestic subjects on view? (_He suddenly sees Miss TROTTER and
CULCHARD with their backs to him._) Hal--lo, this is luck! I must go
to the rescue, or that beggar CULCHARD will bore her to death in no
time. (_To Guide._) Here, hold on a minute. (_Crosses to CULCHARD,
followed by Guide._) How d'ye do, Miss TROTTER? Doing the Wild
Wiertz Show, I see. Ah, CULCHARD, why didn't you tell me you were
going--might have gone together. I say, I've got a guide here.
_Culch._ (_drily_). So we perceive--a very sensible plan, no doubt, in
some cases, my dear fellow.
_Podb._ (_to Miss T._). Do come and listen to him, most intelligent
chap--great fun. Mr. CULCHARD is above that sort of thing, I dare

say.
_Guide._ Your vriendts laike to choin, yais? Same for tree as for von. I
exblain all de beecture.
_Miss T._ You're vurry obliging, Mr. PODBURY, but your friend is
explaining it all just splendidly.
_Podb._ (_piqued_). Perhaps I had better dismiss my chap, and take on
CULCHARD, too?
_Miss T._ No, I'd just hate to have you do that. Keep on going round.
You mustn't mind us, indeed!
_Podb._ Oh, if you'd rather! (_Gloomily, to Guide._) They can do
without us. Just show me something more in the blood-and-thunder
line--no, at the other end of the room. [_They withdraw._
_Guide._ Hier is von dat is vary amusant. You know de schtory of de
Tree Vishes, eh?
_Podb._ _Macbeth_, eh? oh, I see--_Wishes!_ No, what was that?
Guide. I dell it you. (_He tells it; PODBURY falls into gloomy
abstraction._) ... And inschdantly she vind a grade pig soasage at de
end of her noâse. So de ole voman--
_Podb._ (_wearily_). Oh, I've heard all that. What's this one about?
Guide. Dis is galled "De lasht Gannon." You see de vigure of
Ceevilization flodderin op viz de vings, vile Brogress preaks asonder
de lasht gon, and in a gorner a Genius purns de vrontier bost.
_Podb._ (_captiously_). What's he doing that for?
Guide. I tont know. I subbose begause dey are bosts, or (_dubiously_)
begause he is a Genius.
_Culch._ (_touching PODBURY's arm as he goes out_).

Oh--er--PODBURY, I'm off. Going to lunch somewhere with
the--ah--TROTTERS. See you at _table d'hôte_ this evening, I suppose?
Good-bye.
_Podb._ (_savagely_). Oh, ta-ta! (To himself.). And that's the fellow
who said he wanted to keep out of making friends! How the dickens am
I going to get through the time by myself? (To Guide.) Here, that's
enough for one day. When I want you again, I'll let you know.
[_He dismisses him, and stands forlornly in the Gallery, while the
Imperfectly Educated Daughter goes on spelling out the Catalogue for
her Parents' edification._
* * * * *
A STORY--OUT OF SEASON.
[Illustration]
So she's married to _him_! Whilst I travelled and wandered Far away,
for the lack of aught better to do; Whilst my time and my money I
recklessly squandered In a hunt for big game--she was doing it too!
And I am not surprised he has fallen a prey to The graces and wiles of a
maiden so fair; I must take a back seat as I humbly give way to The
Earl and the Countess of Hanover Square.
What a stroke of good luck! For, like little Jack Horner, She put in her
finger and pulled out a plum; Yet there once was a time when we sat in
a corner-- AMARYLLIS and I--though her mother looked glum. If I do
not forget, it took place in December, But I recollect better one evening
in June, And, for all that has happened, I like to remember What we
whispered and said by the light of the moon.
But a truce to such thoughts, she has married another, I must tidy away
all the memories of yore. There's a smile on the face of her
match-making mother, And her family rejoice as they ne'er have before.
It has happened. Her mother, I know, always said it Would prove to be
so with her beautiful girl, And the fair AMARYLLIS has done herself

credit Now she's married the catch of the season--an Earl.
What she did, after all, was perhaps for the best meant. She may even
be fond of her Earl--who can tell? In the business of Life she has made
her investment, Which I trust most sincerely she will find pay her well.
And as for myself my ambition just nil is, With my pipe and my dog I
shall stay on the shelf, Though allow me to tell you, my dear
AMARYLLIS, I'd have made you an excellent husband myself.
* * * * *
[Illustration: What will he do with it?]
A PUZZLER, FOR EVEN SIR ANDR-W CL-RK, BART.