Punch, or The London Charivari

Punch, or The London Charivari,
Vol. 103, November 19, 1892

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Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 103, November 19, 1892
Author: Various
Editor: Francis Burnand
Release Date: May 31, 2005 [EBook #15957]
Language: English
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PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 103.

November 19, 1892.

THE MAN WHO WOULD.
II.--THE MAN WHO WOULD PLAY GOLF.
BULGER was no cricketer, no tennis-player, no sportsman, in fact. But
his Doctor recommended exercise and fresh air. "And I'm thinking,
Sir," he added, "that you cannot do better than just take yourself down
to St. Andrews, and put yourself under TOM MORRIS." "Is he a great
Scotch physician?" asked BULGER; "I don't seem to have heard of
him." "The Head of the Faculty, Sir," said the medical man--"the Head
of the Faculty in those parts."
BULGER packed his effects, and, in process of time, he arrived at
Leuchars. Here he observed some venerable towers within a short walk,
and fancied that he would presently arrive at St. Andrews. In this he
was reckoning without the railway system--he was compelled to wait at
Leuchars for no inconsiderable time, which he occupied in extracting
statistics about the consumption of whiskey from the young lady who
ministered to travellers. The revelations now communicated, convinced
BULGER that either Dr. MORRIS was not on the lines of Sir
ANDREW CLARK, or, as an alternative, that his counsels were not
listened to by travellers on that line.
[Illustration]
Arriving in the dusk, BULGER went to his inn, and next morning
inquired as to the address of the Head of the Faculty. "I dinna ken,"
said an elderly person, to whom he appealed, "that the Professors had
made TOM a Doctor, though it's a sair and sad oversicht, and a
disgrace to the country, that they hae'na done sae lang syne. But I
jalouse that your Doctor was jist making a gowk o' ye." "What!" said
BULGER. "Jist playin' a plisky on ye, and he meant that TOM wad pit
ye in the way o' becoming a player. Mon, ye're a bull-neckit,
bow-leggit chiel', and ye'd shape fine for a Gowfer! Here's TOM." And,
with this brief introduction, the old man strolled away.
BULGER now found himself in the presence of Mr. MORRIS, whose
courtesy soon put him on a footing of friendliness and confidence. He
purchased, by his Mentor's advice, a driver, a cleek, a putter, a brassey,
an iron, a niblick, and a mashy. Armed with these implements, which
were "carried by an orphan boy," and, under the guidance of the Head

of the Faculty himself, BULGER set forth on his first round. His first
two strokes were dealt on the yielding air; his third carried no
inconsiderable parcel of real property to some distance; but his fourth
hit the ball, and drove it across the road. "As gude as a better," quoth
the orphan boy, and bade BULGER propel the tiny sphere in the
direction of a neighbouring rivulet. Into this affluent of the main,
BULGER finally hit the ball; but an adroit lad of nine stamped it into
the mud, while pretending to look for it, and BULGER had to put down
another. When he got within putting range, he hit his ball careering
back and forward over the hole, and, "Eh, man," quoth the orphan boy,
"if ye could only drive as you put!"
In some fifteen strokes he accomplished his task of holing out; and now,
weary and desponding (for he had fancied Golf to be an easy game), he
would have desisted for the day. But the Head of the Faculty pressed on
him the necessity of "The daily round, the common task." So his ball
was tee'd, and he lammed it into the Scholar's Bunker, at a distance of
nearly thirty yards. A niblick was now placed in his grasp, and he was
exhorted to "Take plenty sand." Presently a kind of simoom was
observed to rage in the Scholars' Bunker, out of which emerged the
head of the niblick, the ball, and, finally, BULGER himself. His next
hit, however, was a fine one, over the wall, where, as the ball was lost,
BULGER deposited a new one. This he, somehow, drove within a few
feet of the hole, when he at once conceived an