Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 9

story finishes!
_Cour. Gent._ I am at your disposal.
_Spokesman._ Well, look here, Mister. There's a lot of us here who want to catch the 11.40 train, so can't you cut the performance?
_Cour. Man._ Although your proposal, Sir, may cause some trouble and complications, I will honestly do my best. [_Bows and exit._
_Curtain._
* * * * *
TO THE ROLLER-SKATING FIEND.
[Illustration]
O Boy!--O injudicious boy!-- Who, swayed by dark and secret reasons, Dost love thine elders to annoy At sundry times and frequent seasons, Why hast thou left thy tempting top-- Thy penny-dreadful's gory garble-- Thy blue-and-crimson lollipop-- Thy aimlessly meandering marble?
Thy catapult, so sure of aim, In cold neglect, alas! reposes, And even "tip-cat's" cherished game No longer threatens eyes and noses; Thy tube of tin (projecting peas) At length has ceased from irritating; But how much worse than all of these Thy latest craze--for roller-skating!
For, mounted on twin engines dread, Thou rushest (with adventures graphic) Where even angels fear to tread, Because there's such a lot of traffic. At lightning-speed we see thee glide, (With malice every narrow shave meant), And charge thine elders far and wide, Or stretch them prone upon the pavement.
Round corners sharp thou lov'st to dart, (Thou skating imp! Thou rolling joker!) And hit in some projecting part The lawyer staid, or solemn broker. Does pity never mar thy glee, When upright men with torture double? Oh, let our one petition be That thou may'st come to grievous trouble!
* * * * *
[Illustration: A FATAL OBJECTION.
"MOTHER, ARE THE WONDERGILTS VERY RICH?"
"YES, SILVIA, VERY."
"MOTHER, I HOPE WE SHALL NEVER BE RICH?"
"WHY, DARLING?"
"IT MUST BE SO VERY EXPENSIVE!"]
* * * * *
ADVERTISING IN EXCELSIS.
SCENE--_Interior of the Universal Advertisement Stations Company's Offices. Managing Director discovered presiding over a large staff of Clerks. Enter Possible Customer._
_Possible Customer._ I see from the papers that it is proposed to turn the Suez Canal to account by erecting hoardings--have you anything to do with it?
_Managing Director._ No, Sir; but we do a very large cosmopolitan business of the same sort. Have you anything to advertise?
_Pos. Cus._ Well, yes--several things. For instance, I am bringing out a new sort of Beer. Can you recommend me good stations for that?
_Man. Dir._ Certainly, Sir. We have contracted for the whole of the best positions in the Desert of Sahara. If you get out a good poster in Arabic, it should be the means of furthering the trade amongst the Arabs.
_Pos. Cus._ Thanks. Then I have a fresh Pill. What about that?
_Man. Dir._ Well, Sir, pills (excuse the pleasantry) are rather a drug in the market; but I think we might try it amongst the Esquimaux. We have some capital crossroads in the Arctic Regions, and a really commanding position at the North Pole.
_Pos. Cus._ What can I do with a newly-patented Disinfectant?
_Man. Dir._ We have the Spire of Cologne Cathedral, and both sides of the Bridge of Sighs; in fact, if you like to push the sale in Venice, we would offer you the front of the Doge's Palace on the most advantageous terms.
_Pos. Cus._ Then I have an Everlasting Boot.
_Man. Dir._ I must confess, Sir, that boots (you will excuse the pleasantry) are rather worn out; but perhaps the Himalayas (where we have all the summits vacant) might suit your purpose.
_Pos. Cus._ Well, I will give your suggestions my best consideration.
_Man. Dir._ (_anxious to trade_). Can't I tempt you, Sir, with a million bills or so? We have all the best Royal Palaces in Europe, and the most frequented of the Indian Temples. There is scarcely a spot of any historical interest that we have not secured for our hoardings. Just added the Field of Waterloo, the Temple Gardens, and site of ancient Carthage to our list. We can do it very cheaply for you, Sir, if your order is a large one.
_Pos. Cus._ How about the papers?
_Man. Dir._ Well, we insert advertisements in them, too. Shall we begin with three columns in all the leading journals of the world?
_Pos. Cus._ No, thank you. I think I will commence on a somewhat smaller scale. (_Gives document._) Here is an order for three inches for one insertion on the leader-page of the Pimlico Pump.
[_Exit._
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
_House of Lords, Monday, August 15th._--Lords met to-day in charmingly casual way. Since they were last here, Government been defeated; the MARKISS out, Mr. G. in, and all that means or portends. Not many present, but the MARKISS in his place smiling in unaffected joyousness, just as Prince ARTHUR did in Commons when the end came.
[Illustration: "Very odd!"]
"Very odd," said PICKERSGILL, pressing his hat to his bosom; "it seems nothing amuses the CECILS and their family belongings so much as a reverse at the Poll."
The MARKISS in such exuberant good humour at seeing