Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 5

script.]
* * * * *
QUEER QUERIES.--AUTHORSHIP.--I should be glad to know the name of a Publisher of repute who would be likely to purchase for ￡1000 a first-rate Sensational Novel? I have only written one chapter so far, but I have the plot in my head, and I think a really able and energetic Publisher would be able to judge of the work from a small specimen. Which was the Firm that gave GEORGE ELIOT ￡5000 for _Middlemarch?_ I should like to go to them.--NO JUGGINS.
* * * * *
LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.
_Billsbury, Tuesday, 3rd June._--We had an immense meeting here last night, just to keep the enthusiasm going. We had done our best to got a Cabinet Minister to come down, but they all had some excuse or other, and we had to content ourselves with CARDEW, who, being an Undersecretary, is the next best thing to the genuine Cabinet rose. VULLIAMY came too. A most extraordinary chap that. Instead of being offended at what I did with reference to his proposals for wholesale illegality, he merely delivered his soul of what he called "a gentle protest," and declared himself ready to do all he could to help me to counteract the effects of my own obstinacy. There was considerable difficulty, as there always is, in apportioning the various speeches, so as not to leave any of the important local chiefs out of the proceedings. First of all TOLLAND, as Chairman, opened the proceedings. Then came a vote of confidence in Her Majesty's Government, proposed by Colonel CHORKLE, and seconded by VULLIAMY. To this CARDEW responded.
[Illustration: Free and Independent Elector.]
Then MOFFAT proposed, and JERRAM seconded, a vote of confidence in me, to which, of course, I responded. Old DICKY DIKES proposed a vote of thanks to the Chairman. This was seconded by BLISSOP, and after a few cordial words from TOLLAND, the gathering broke up. On the whole, everything went off extremely well. VULLIAMY'S speech was a masterpiece. He said:--
"I turn from the larger questions of public policy to the private concerns of the borough of Billsbury. On previous occasions I have had an opportunity of saying what I think of your Candidate, Mr. PATTLE. I have known him for years. Ever since I first met him, I have been more and more struck by the extraordinary intelligent interest he takes in political matters. His views are enlightened, his judgment is sound, and his eloquence is of so high an order as to ensure to him a brilliant success in the House he is destined to adorn. But what chiefly commends him to my regard and to yours, is the honourable uprightness of his character. The contest here will be a fierce and determined one; but, thank heaven, with such a Candidate as yours, it will be kept free from all personal bitterness, and will be conducted in such a way that no breath of suspicion will rest on the absolute and scrupulous legality of everything that may be done. The conscience of the people demands this of the candidates who may appeal to its suffrages, and, speaking as an old man, I can only say that I rejoice to see those who are yet young bearing themselves so honourably, and maintaining the great traditions which have made of England the greatest and proudest nation in the world, and have advanced Billsbury to a position of glorious prosperity which other towns strive in vain to approach."
This from VULLIAMY was splendid, considering that if I had followed his advice, I should have steeped myself in illegality. But the cheers that greeted the speech were deafening, the most enthusiastic coming from MOFFAT, BLISSOP, and JERRAM, who had urged my compliance with VULLIAMY'S suggestions.
_Wednesday, June 4th._--The Meteor is furious about our meeting yesterday. It says, in a leader:--"Do these gentlemen suppose that the froth blown by them over the addle-pates who cheered their speeches is likely to shake sir THOMAS CHUBSON from the secure position in which the affection of the Billsbury public has enthroned him? We have nothing to say against Mr. PATTLE except this, that his youth, combined with the ridiculous immaturity of his views, absolutely disqualifies him for the responsible post to which his foolish ambition aspires. Let him go back to the briefs, which the vivid imagination of his supporters pictures as crowding his table in the Temple. Let him join debating societies, and learn how to speak in public; let him eat, drink, and be merry in London; let him, in fact, do anything except run the head which flattery has turned against the sturdy stone of Billsbury Liberalism. We give him this advice in no unfriendly spirit. Let him be wise in time, and take it."
The Guardian is of course jubilant. "Never," it says, "has