Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 9

before._
_Very Stout Person in the Amphitheatre Stalls._ I say, look here--I paid
two shillings for this seat, and the back's coming off.
_Cour. Gen._ Perhaps, Sir, you have been leaning with a weight it is
unable to bear.

_Very S.P._ Never mind about that. As I pay two shillings for my seat,
I expect you to stop the show until it's mended.
_Cour. Gen._ As the show (as you call it, Sir) costs about two pounds a
minute, I fear that would be rather an extravagant proceeding. If I may
suggest, I would counsel you to change your seat to a more perfect one.
_Very S.P._ I like that! and get turned out by someone who had
reserved it. No, thankee! But there, after all, I am rather heavy, so let's
say no more about it.
_Cour. Gen._ I am infinitely obliged to you.
[_Exit. The Opera continues until the commencement of the last Act,
when there is a frantic cry for the Manager. The Courteous Gentleman
again appears before the Curtain._
_Voices from the Cheaper Parts of the House._ Here, cut it short! Let's
get to the end. Let's see how the story finishes!
_Cour. Gent._ I am at your disposal.
_Spokesman._ Well, look here, Mister. There's a lot of us here who
want to catch the 11.40 train, so can't you cut the performance?
_Cour. Man._ Although your proposal, Sir, may cause some trouble
and complications, I will honestly do my best. [_Bows and exit._
_Curtain._
* * * * *
TO THE ROLLER-SKATING FIEND.
[Illustration]
O Boy!--O injudicious boy!-- Who, swayed by dark and secret reasons,
Dost love thine elders to annoy At sundry times and frequent seasons,
Why hast thou left thy tempting top-- Thy penny-dreadful's gory

garble-- Thy blue-and-crimson lollipop-- Thy aimlessly meandering
marble?
Thy catapult, so sure of aim, In cold neglect, alas! reposes, And even
"tip-cat's" cherished game No longer threatens eyes and noses; Thy
tube of tin (projecting peas) At length has ceased from irritating; But
how much worse than all of these Thy latest craze--for roller-skating!
For, mounted on twin engines dread, Thou rushest (with adventures
graphic) Where even angels fear to tread, Because there's such a lot of
traffic. At lightning-speed we see thee glide, (With malice every
narrow shave meant), And charge thine elders far and wide, Or stretch
them prone upon the pavement.
Round corners sharp thou lov'st to dart, (Thou skating imp! Thou
rolling joker!) And hit in some projecting part The lawyer staid, or
solemn broker. Does pity never mar thy glee, When upright men with
torture double? Oh, let our one petition be That thou may'st come to
grievous trouble!
* * * * *
[Illustration: A FATAL OBJECTION.
"MOTHER, ARE THE WONDERGILTS VERY RICH?"
"YES, SILVIA, VERY."
"MOTHER, I HOPE WE SHALL NEVER BE RICH?"
"WHY, DARLING?"
"IT MUST BE SO VERY EXPENSIVE!"]
* * * * *
ADVERTISING IN EXCELSIS.
SCENE--_Interior of the Universal Advertisement Stations Company's

Offices. Managing Director discovered presiding over a large staff of
Clerks. Enter Possible Customer._
_Possible Customer._ I see from the papers that it is proposed to turn
the Suez Canal to account by erecting hoardings--have you anything to
do with it?
_Managing Director._ No, Sir; but we do a very large cosmopolitan
business of the same sort. Have you anything to advertise?
_Pos. Cus._ Well, yes--several things. For instance, I am bringing out a
new sort of Beer. Can you recommend me good stations for that?
_Man. Dir._ Certainly, Sir. We have contracted for the whole of the
best positions in the Desert of Sahara. If you get out a good poster in
Arabic, it should be the means of furthering the trade amongst the
Arabs.
_Pos. Cus._ Thanks. Then I have a fresh Pill. What about that?
_Man. Dir._ Well, Sir, pills (excuse the pleasantry) are rather a drug in
the market; but I think we might try it amongst the Esquimaux. We
have some capital crossroads in the Arctic Regions, and a really
commanding position at the North Pole.
_Pos. Cus._ What can I do with a newly-patented Disinfectant?
_Man. Dir._ We have the Spire of Cologne Cathedral, and both sides of
the Bridge of Sighs; in fact, if you like to push the sale in Venice, we
would offer you the front of the Doge's Palace on the most
advantageous terms.
_Pos. Cus._ Then I have an Everlasting Boot.
_Man. Dir._ I must confess, Sir, that boots (you will excuse the
pleasantry) are rather worn out; but perhaps the Himalayas (where we
have all the summits vacant) might suit your purpose.
_Pos. Cus._ Well, I will give your suggestions my best consideration.

_Man. Dir._ (_anxious to trade_). Can't I tempt you, Sir, with a million
bills or so? We have all the best Royal Palaces in