Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 5

with me to Nuremberg, and I shall be very happy to be your banker. Otherwise, you must stay here alone.
[_He compresses his lips and crosses his legs._
_Podb._ Oh, _that_'s it, is it? But look here, why not tit up whether we go on or stay?
_Culch._ Why should I "tit up," as you call it, when I've already made up my mind to go. When I once decide on anything, it's final.
The Bride (_to Bridegroom, without enthusiasm_). Would you like me to roll you a cigarette?
Bridegroom (_with the frankness of an open nature_). Not if I know it. I can do it better myself.
Bride (_coldly_). I see.
[_Another silence, at the end of which she rises and walks slowly away, pausing at the gate to see whether he intends to follow. As he does not appear to have remarked her absence, she walks on._
Podbury (_to Culch., in an undertone_). I say, those two don't seem to hit it off exactly, eh? Seem sorry they came! You'll be glad to hear, old fellow, that we needn't separate after all. Just found my purse in my trouser-pocket!
_Culch._ Better luck than you deserve. Didn't I tell you you should have a special pocket for your money and coupons? Like this--see. (_He opens, his coat._) With a buttoned flap, it stands to reason they must be safe!
_Podb._ So long as you keep it buttoned, old chap,--which you don't seem to do!
_Culch._ (_annoyed_). Pshaw! The button is a trifle too--(_feels pocket, and turns pale_). Good Heavens, it--it's _gone_!
_Podb._ The button?
_Culch._ (_patting himself all over with shaking hands_). Everything!--money, coupons, circular notes! They--they must have fallen out going up that infernal Niederwald. (_Angrily._) You would insist on going!
Podb. Phew! The whole bag of tricks gone! You're lucky if you get them again. Any number of tramps and beggars all the way up. Shouldn't have taken off your coat--very careless of you! (_He grins._)
_Culch._ It was so hot. I must go and inform the Police here--I may recover it yet. Anyway, we--we must push on to Nuremberg, and I'll telegraph home for money to be sent there. You can let me have enough to get on with?
_Podb._ With all the pleasure in life, dear boy--on your own conditions, you know. I mean, if I pay the piper, I call the tune. Now, I don't cotton to Nuremberg somehow; I'd rather go straight on to Constance; we could get some rowing there.
_Culch._ (_pettishly_). Rowing be ---- (_recollecting his helplessness_). No; but just consider, my dear PODBURY. I assure you you'll find Nuremberg a most delightful old place. You must see how bent I am on going there!
_Podb._ Oh, yes, I see that. But then I'm _not_, don't you know--so there we are!
_Culch._ (_desperately_). Well, I'll--I'll meet you half-way. I've no objection to--er--titting up with you--Nuremberg or Constance. Come?
_Podb._ You weren't so anxious to tit up just now--but never mind. (Producing a mark.) Now then, Emperor--Constance. Eagle--Nuremberg. Is it sudden death, or best out of three? [_He tosses._
_Culch._ Sud--(_The coin falls with the Emperor uppermost._) Best out of three.
[_He takes coin from PODBURY and tosses._
_Podb._ Eagle! we're even so far. (_He receives coin._) This settles it. [_He tosses._
_Culch._ Eagle again! Now mind, PODBURY, no going back after _this._ It must be Nuremberg now.
_Podb._ All right! And now allow me to have the pleasure of restoring your pocket-book and note-case. They did fall out on the Niederwald, and it was a good job for you I was behind and saw them drop. You must really be more careful, dear boy. Ain't you going to say "ta" for them?
_Culch._ (_relieved_). I'm--er--tremendously obliged. I really can't say how.--(Recollecting himself.) But you need not have taken advantage of it to try to do me out of going to Nuremberg--it was a shabby trick!
_Podb._ Oh, it was only to get a rise out of you. I never meant to keep you to it, of course. And I say, weren't you sold, though? Didn't I lead up to it beautifully? (_He chuckles._) Score to me, eh!
_Culch._ (_with amiable sententiousness_). Ah, well, I don't grudge you your little joke if it amuses you. Those laugh best who laugh last. And it's settled now that we're going to Nuremberg.
[_Miss TROTTER and her father have come out from the Speisesaal doors, and overhear the last speech._
_Mr. Trotter_ (_to Culchard_). Your friend been gettin' off a joke on you, Sir?
_Culch._ Only in his own estimation, Mr. TROTTER. I have nailed him down to going to Nuremberg, which, for many reasons, I was extremely anxious to visit. (_Carelessly._) Are we likely to be there when you are?
_Miss T._ I guess not. We've just got our mail, and my cousin, CHARLEY VAN BOODELER, writes he's having a real lovely time in the Engadine--says it's the most elegant locality he's struck yet, and just