Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 5

say, I've got a guide here.
_Culch._ (_drily_). So we perceive--a very sensible plan, no doubt, in some cases, my dear fellow.
_Podb._ (_to Miss T._). Do come and listen to him, most intelligent chap--great fun. Mr. CULCHARD is above that sort of thing, I dare say.
_Guide._ Your vriendts laike to choin, yais? Same for tree as for von. I exblain all de beecture.
_Miss T._ You're vurry obliging, Mr. PODBURY, but your friend is explaining it all just splendidly.
_Podb._ (_piqued_). Perhaps I had better dismiss my chap, and take on CULCHARD, too?
_Miss T._ No, I'd just hate to have you do that. Keep on going round. You mustn't mind us, indeed!
_Podb._ Oh, if you'd rather! (_Gloomily, to Guide._) They can do without us. Just show me something more in the blood-and-thunder line--no, at the other end of the room. [_They withdraw._
_Guide._ Hier is von dat is vary amusant. You know de schtory of de Tree Vishes, eh?
_Podb._ _Macbeth_, eh? oh, I see--_Wishes!_ No, what was that?
Guide. I dell it you. (_He tells it; PODBURY falls into gloomy abstraction._) ... And inschdantly she vind a grade pig soasage at de end of her noase. So de ole voman--
_Podb._ (_wearily_). Oh, I've heard all that. What's this one about?
Guide. Dis is galled "De lasht Gannon." You see de vigure of Ceevilization flodderin op viz de vings, vile Brogress preaks asonder de lasht gon, and in a gorner a Genius purns de vrontier bost.
_Podb._ (_captiously_). What's he doing that for?
Guide. I tont know. I subbose begause dey are bosts, or (_dubiously_) begause he is a Genius.
_Culch._ (_touching PODBURY's arm as he goes out_). Oh--er--PODBURY, I'm off. Going to lunch somewhere with the--ah--TROTTERS. See you at _table d'h?te_ this evening, I suppose? Good-bye.
_Podb._ (_savagely_). Oh, ta-ta! (To himself.). And that's the fellow who said he wanted to keep out of making friends! How the dickens am I going to get through the time by myself? (To Guide.) Here, that's enough for one day. When I want you again, I'll let you know.
[_He dismisses him, and stands forlornly in the Gallery, while the Imperfectly Educated Daughter goes on spelling out the Catalogue for her Parents' edification._
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A STORY--OUT OF SEASON.
[Illustration]
So she's married to _him_! Whilst I travelled and wandered Far away, for the lack of aught better to do; Whilst my time and my money I recklessly squandered In a hunt for big game--she was doing it too! And I am not surprised he has fallen a prey to The graces and wiles of a maiden so fair; I must take a back seat as I humbly give way to The Earl and the Countess of Hanover Square.
What a stroke of good luck! For, like little Jack Horner, She put in her finger and pulled out a plum; Yet there once was a time when we sat in a corner-- AMARYLLIS and I--though her mother looked glum. If I do not forget, it took place in December, But I recollect better one evening in June, And, for all that has happened, I like to remember What we whispered and said by the light of the moon.
But a truce to such thoughts, she has married another, I must tidy away all the memories of yore. There's a smile on the face of her match-making mother, And her family rejoice as they ne'er have before. It has happened. Her mother, I know, always said it Would prove to be so with her beautiful girl, And the fair AMARYLLIS has done herself credit Now she's married the catch of the season--an Earl.
What she did, after all, was perhaps for the best meant. She may even be fond of her Earl--who can tell? In the business of Life she has made her investment, Which I trust most sincerely she will find pay her well. And as for myself my ambition just nil is, With my pipe and my dog I shall stay on the shelf, Though allow me to tell you, my dear AMARYLLIS, I'd have made you an excellent husband myself.
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[Illustration: What will he do with it?]
A PUZZLER, FOR EVEN SIR ANDR-W CL-RK, BART. M.D.--Case of dyspepsia. What ought to be prescribed for a patient suffering from severe indigestion, caused _by having eaten his own words?_ Perhaps one of the most distinguished members of the Medical Congress, possessing a great experience among Cabinet Ministers and other Parliamentary celebrities, will oblige with "a solution"? And this is a perfectly serious question, although it certainly sounds as if it were only intended for a Roose.
* * * * *
MR. CLIP'S APPEAL.
[The Hairdressers' Early Closing Association of London (whose Central Office is at 6, Swallow Street, Piccadilly, W., and whose President is Mr. W.J. REED, and Hon. Sec., Mr. A.M. SUTTON), has for object "to secure