Punch, or The London Charivari | Page 3

they fail in their duty--as, for example, in the matter of removing house-refuse, or keeping the streets clean--they are liable to a fine. It is pleasant to think that, in future, any ratepayer may bring Mr. Bumble to book."--The Times.]
[Illustration: President of the Local Government Board. "THERE'S MR. BUMBLE'S WORK, MADAM, AND IT'LL BE YOUR OWN FAULT IF YOU DON'T KEEP HIM UP TO IT!"]
Bumble. Wot, more dooties piled upon me? It's a beastly black shame and a bore. Which Ritchie beats Oliver Twist in a canter at "asking for more." Didn't grasp his dashed Hact, not at fust, though of course I opposed it like fun; But this 'ere Memyrandum's a startler. I want to know what's to be done. Me keep the streets clean, me go poking my dalicot nose into 'oles As ain't fit for 'ogs, but is kep' for them Sweaters' pale wictims--pore soles? Me see that the dust-pails is emptied, and underground bedrooms made sweet? Me nail the Court Notices hup upon Butchers as deals in bad meat? Great Scissors, it's somethink houtrageous. I knew Ritchie's Act meant 'ard lines, And it's wus than I could 'ave emagined. But wot I funk most is them FINES!!! Fine _Me_--if I make a mistake, as, perhaps, even BUMBLE may do! That is turning the tables a twister! More powers? Ah, well, that might do, But increase my great "Responsibilities," give them Ratepayers a chance Of a calling me hover the coals! Won't this make my hold henemies dance? I never did like that HYGEIA, a pompous and nose-poking minx-- A sort of a female _Poll Pry_, with a heye like an 'ork or a lynx; But the making me "Sanit'ry," too--oh, I know wot that means to a T. She's cock--or say, hen--of the walk, and her sanit'ry slave'll be Me! Oh, I fancy I see myself sweeping the snow from the streets with a broom, Or explorin'--with fingers to nose--some effluvious hunderground room! Or a-trotting around with the dust-pails when scavengers chance to run short! Oh, just _won't_ the street-boys chyike me and 'ousemaids of BUMBLE make sport? Disgustin'! But there RITCHIE stands with his dashed Memyrandum. A look In his heye seems to tell me that he too enjoys bringing BUMBLE to book, As the _Times_--I'm serprised at that paper!--most pleasantly puts it to-day. My friend BONES the Butcher too! Moses! wot would my old parlour-chum say If he saw me a nailing a Notice--but no, that's too horrid a dream. I must be a 'aving a Nightmare, and things cannot be wot they seem. I could do with mere Laws--bye or hother-wise--Hacts, jest like Honours, is easy, But this Memyrandum of RITCHIE's queers BUMBLE, and makes him feel queasy, Can't pertend as I don't hunderstand it, it's plain as my nose, clear as mud. _I'm_ responsible for--say Snow-clearing! It stirs up a Beadle's best blood! And when they can Fine me for negligence, jest like some rate-paying scrub-- Oh! Porochial dignity's bust! I must seek a pick-up at my Pub!
[_Does so._
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[Illustration: A MODEST REQUEST.
"I HEAR YOU'RE SO CLEVER ABOUT ZENANA WORK. WILL YOU SHOW ME THE STITCH?"]
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"FIRST-CLASS" TRAVELLING
_MADE EASY, BY PAYING A "THIRD-CLASS" FARE AND A SMALL ADDITIONAL TIP._
(BY ONE WHO HAS DONE IT.)
1. Arrive at station in four-wheeler, accompanied by lots of superfluous rugs, wraps, air-cushions, and pillows, &c., and if your domestic arrangements permit of it, two young ladies and one middle-aged one, who should assume an anxious and sympathetic mien.
2. On your cab drawing up, stay with a gentle forbearance the rush of the ordinary attentive porter, and request him, as if you had something important to communicate, to send you "the guard of the train" by which you propose to travel. On the appearance of this official, who will not fail to turn up, you will now appeal to one of your three female assistants, the middle-aged one for choice. Placing your case, as it were, in her hands, she will, in a half-sympathetic, half-commanding tone, address the official somewhat as follows:--"This gentleman, who is travelling to Barminster, and is going third-class (she makes a point of this), is, as you see, a great invalid, and he will require (this with a certain sense of being understood to mean a handsome tip) a carriage to himself." If said with a certain self-assurance, involving a species of lofty wink, this will probably be understood in the right sense by the official in question, and will be probably met by some such assurance as--"The train is very full, Madam, but I will do my best for the gentleman, and can ensure him, I think, a compartment to himself, at least, as far as Bolchester, where I leave the train. But I will explain the