Punch, Or The London Charivari | Page 2

SOULT 'e say, "Ah, Sire, you do not know dose dairible grey 'orses!" NAPOLEON 'e not know dem. SOULT 'e meet dem at de Peninsulaire--'e know dem. In dat Shirsh, dventy, dirty dablets to Inglis officers. NAPOLEON 'e coaled op 'is laift vink, zey deploy in line, vair you see my shdeek--ha, ze shentelman is gone avay vonce more!
Miss Trotter (_to CULCHARD, who has found himself unable to keep away_). You don't seem to find that old gentleman vurry good company?
_Culch._ The fact is that I much prefer to receive my impressions of a scene like this in solitude.
_Miss T._ I should have thought you'd be too polite to tell me so; but I was moving on, anyway.
[_She goes on. Before CULCHARD can follow and explain, he finds himself accosted by Mr. TROTTER._
_Mr. T._ I don't know as I'm as much struck by this Waterloo field as I expected, Sir. As an Amurrcan, I find it doesn't come up to some of our battlefields in the War. We don't blow about those battlefields, Sir, but for style and general picturesqueness, I ain't seen nothing this side to equal them. You ever been over? You want to come over and see our country--that's what you want to do. You mustn't mind me a-running on, but when I meet someone as I can converse with in my own language--well, I just about talk myself dry.
[_He talks himself dry, until rejoined by the Guide with PODBURY and Miss TROTTER._
Guide (_to PODBURY_). Leesten, I dell you. My vader--eighteen, no in ze Airmi, laboreur man--he see NAPOL��ON standt in a saircle; officers roundt 'im. Boots, op to hier; green cott; vite vaiscott; vite laigs--
Podbury. Your father's legs?
Guide. No, Sare; my vader see NAPOL��ON's laigs; leedle 'at, qvite plain; no faither--nossing.
Podbury. But you just said you had a faither!
Guide. I say, NAPOL��ON 'ad no faither--vat you call it?--_plume_--in 'is 'at, at ze bataille.
Podbury. Are you sure? I thought the history books said he "stuck a feather in his hat, and called it Macaroni."
_Miss T._ I presume you're thinking of our National Amurrcan character, Yankee Doodle?
Guide. My vader, 'e no see NAPOL��ON viz a Yankedoodle in 'is 'at; 'e vear nossing.
Podbury. Nothing? What became of the green coat and white waistcoat, then, eh?
Guide. Ah, you unnerstan' nossing at all! Leesten, I dell you vonce more. My vader--
Podbury. No, look here, my friend; you go and tell that gentleman all about it (_indicating CULCHARD_); he's very interested in hearing what NAPOLEON wore or didn't wear.
[_The Guide takes possession of CULCHARD once more, who submits, under the impression that Miss TROTTER is a fellow-sufferer._
Guide (_concluding a vivid account of the fight at Houguymont_). Bot ven zey com qvite nearer, zey vind ze rade line no ze Inglis soldiers--nossing bot a breek vall, viz ze moskets--'Prown Pesses,' you coal dem--shdeekin out of ze 'oles! Ze 'oles schdill dere. Dat vas Houguymont, in the orshairde. Now you com viz me and see ze lion. Ze dail, two piece; ze bodi, von piece; ze ball, von piece. I sank you, Sare. 'Ope you com again soon.
[_CULCHARD discovers that the TROTTERS and PODBURY have gone down some time ago. At the foot of the steps he finds his friend waiting for him, alone._
Culch. (_with stiff politeness_). Sorry you considered it necessary to stay behind on my account. I see your American friends have already started for the station.
Podbury (_gloomily_). There were only two seats on that coach, and they wouldn't wait for the next. I don't know why, unless it was that they saw you coming down the steps. She can't stand you at any price.
_Culch._ (_with some heat_). Just as likely she had had enough of your buffoonery!
_Podb._ (_with provoking good humour_). Come, old chap, don't get your shirt out with me. Not my fault if she's found out you think yourself too big a swell for her, is it?
_Culch._ (_hotly_). When did I say so--or think so? It's what you've told her about me, and I must say I call it--
_Podb._ Don't talk bosh! Who said she was forward and bad form and all the rest of it in the courtyard that first evening? She was close by, and heard every word of it, I shouldn't wonder.
_Culch._ (_colouring_). It's not of vital importance if she did. (_Whistling._) Few-fee-fee-foo-foodle-di-fee-di-fa-foo.
_Podb._ Not a bit--to her. Better step out if we mean to catch that train. (_Humming._) La-di-loodle-lumpty-leedle-um-ti-loo!
[_They step out, PODBURY humming pleasantly and CULCHARD whistling viciously, without further conversation, until they arrive at Braine l'Alleud Station--and discover that they have just missed their train._
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[Illustration: THE TWO EMPERORS; OR, THE CHRISTIAN CZAR AND THE HEATHEN CHINEE.]
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TWO EMPERORS;
_OR, THE CHRISTIAN CZAR AND THE HEATHEN CHINEE._
[A decree issued by the Emperor of CHINA (in connection with the recent anti-foreign