Punch, Or The London Charivari | Page 9

cross things In every Family Party. Your mother's heart has felt such stings! (She'll think of JOE and HARTY!)
Friendly Visitor. Well, well, with my advice, my dear, And lots of Liberal Tonic, Your child we possibly may rear. (That's one for Old Sardonic!)
Fond Mother. Oh! really you are quite too kind! Your own "Home-Rule Elixir" Unfailing for your babes you find? (Fancy that dart will fix her!)
Friendly Visitor. You see we breed, and nurse, our own; We do not steal or borrow. However, dear, I must be gone. (To call again to-morrow!)
Fond Mother. What! must you go? Next, time no doubt. You'll give more Liberal measure. Nurse G. shall see you safely out, (With most particular pleasure!)
Friendly Visitor. Don't trouble, dear! The bell I'll pull, And, bid them call my cabby! Good bye! The Babe's be-you-ti-ful! (_A Flabby, Dabby, Babby!!!_)
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ABOUT THE LAST OF IT.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Would you kindly suggest to Mr. CALDERON, in the interest of Historical and religious Art, that he should give us for next year's Academy, as companion-picture to his "_St. Elizabeth," "Cardinal Wolsey, in his old age, left naked to his enemies._"--Yours, _artfully_, A SHAKSPEARIAN READER, BUT NO LATIN SCHOLAR.
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[Illustration: A PARLIAMENTARY ASIDE.
FRIENDLY VISITOR (_effusively_). "IT IS INDEED A BE-UTIFUL CHE-ILD! (_Aside._) _FLABBY, DABBY BABBY!!_"]
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"KNOWLEDGE IS INVALUABLE!"
SCENE--_Royal Commission of the Future. Commissioners present. Last Witness under examination._
Chairman. And now, my lad, you have learned everything.
Witness (_modestly_). Yes, my Lord and Gentlemen, up to a certain point.
Chairman. Quite so--you have, generally speaking, an education rather better than an average City Clerk?
Witness (_in the same modest tone_). So I am given to understand.
Chairman. What is your father?
Witness. An artisan. But pardon me, I think I can anticipate and answer the next question. I am entirely unfit to follow my parent's calling--physically and morally. My frame has been weakened by study, and my education prevents--.
Chairman (_interrupting_). Just so. We can hardly expect a lad of fourteen who is good enough to floor the London matriculation taking to bricklaying? (Murmurs of general assent.) Well, my boy, have you tried to get a clerkship?
Witness. Alas! yes, indeed I have, my Lord and Gentlemen. I have tried everywhere to obtain employment, but without success.
Chairman (_sympathetically_). Dear me! Very sad! But come, my lad, we have given you something more than an ordinary commercial education--you have acquired accomplishments.
Witness. Yes, my Lord and Gentlemen; but, believe me, they are valueless. I am an excellent violinist, but there is no room for me at the theatres. It is true I might, by paying my footing, secure a place in a strolling band, consisting of a harp and a cornet, but I have conscientious scruples against earnings gained at the doors of a public-house.
Chairman. Certainly. Besides, I fancy you make too light of the difficulties of securing such a position. A Witness, who gave very much the same evidence as yourself, declared it was impossible to gain admission even to a German Band. But you have learned drawing?
Witness. Yes; but I find the accomplishment valueless as a bread-winner. I would do pastels on the flag-stones were not the supply of artists in this particular line greatly in excess of the demand. Besides, the police move them on.
Chairman. Well, my lad, what can you do for yourself?
Witness. Nothing; and consequently, my Lord and Gentlemen, I hope you will do something for me.
Chairman (_after consultation with his colleagues_). As you have been educated up to a point rendering you valueless at fourteen, we shall have much pleasure in recommending that your studies be continued until your education will be equally valueless at nineteen. If this scheme does nothing else, it will keep you employed for the next five years! [_Scene closes in upon the Report._
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[Illustration: A SCIENTIFIC CENTENARY.]
Faraday (_returned_). "WELL, MISS SCIENCE, I HEARTILY CONGRATULATE YOU; YOU HAVE MADE MARVELLOUS PROGRESS SINCE MY TIME!"]
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ORATORIO, AS HANDLED AT THE C.P.
The Tenth Triennial Handel Festival. Programme extends over three days, Monday, to-day the 24th, and Friday the 26th. The singers are Madame ALBANI, Miss MARIAN MCKENZIE, Messrs. SANTLEY, EDWARD LLOYD, BARTON MCGUCKIN, BRIDSON, and BRERETON--the last pair seeming to come in like the "two pretty men" of nursery history, 'yclept "ROBIN and RICHARD." The great organ cannot be played without EYRE and bellows. The Conductor to the musical omnibus is AUGUST MANNS, or more appropriately, JUNE MANNS. Motto.--"MANNS wants but little here below, but he wants that uncommonly good"--and more than good it is safe to be in the hands of the Conductor whose name is indicative of quantity and quality. _Salvete, Homines!_
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OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
The Baron is getting along with GEORGE MEREDITH's One of Our Conquerors. Within the last three weeks he has already reached p. 94